I had a chat with my supervisor at work today. My next hospital appointment is Sept. 10th. Thank God the Doc is on vacation otherwise my appointment would be sooner! I am absolutely dreading it. I don't want to face the truth that I
This quote on normal eating is one that we discussed in ED group a few weeks ago and it's also one that was posted in an online blog today. It is from the book "How to Get Your Kid to Eat ... But Not Too Much" by Ellyn Satter.
“Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”
Sometimes in public places like Starbucks or the food court at the mall, I find myself intrigued by the way other people eat. They do it so mindlessly and freely. They reach over to their friend's plate to steal a french fry. They drink frappuccinos with whipped cream. They indulge in a Cinnabon even when they are full, just because they feel like eating one. These actions are so alien to me. I watch in awe and a bit of envy too. Then it quickly hits me that if I were to eat like that I would balloon into a blimp. Especially since my metabolism is definitely slower than other people's from years of abuse and malnutrition. The question, "What should we eat?" is a loaded on and often ends in fighting between family members when it is asked. We have pretty much stopped going out to eat as a family because
I do hope that you'll go to IP and be able to come out of there and be just like the people you see eating in food courts. I used to be just like you -- I never could figure out how they were able to eat and never think twice. I remember in group meeting one time we all sat around trying to figure the last we had eaten a doughnut (or for the people who binged, the last time they ate one and didn't purge). I'm pretty sure that none of us could remember until the end of the meeting when one woman told us she had figured it out. She was from another state and moved around a lot and only remembered because she thought of the city where she ate it -- she was eight or something. At the time, I was happy to think that I didn't have an eating disorder when I was eight, and my last doughnut was probably more recent than her last doughnut. But the thought of eating something like that was so repulsive, and yet you sort of wish you could, just so that you could have that ability there in case you wanted it. Since I would assume that the main reason you wouldn't eat a doughnut is because it would make you fat or you'd have to purge (not really, but that is how I would have thought), I'd like to tell you now that I eat stuff like that a lot now and I'm not fat. In fact, I could stand to gain some weight. I pretty much maintain a weight within a five pound range and I don't try to do so, it's just natural for me I guess. I'm telling you this because once upon a time I was scared to death that recovery meant being fat or big. Some of the time when I had my ED I was actually bigger than I am now. Imagine that, I was working so hard to lose weight, and yet now that I eat whatever I want, I am smaller. My ED always had the sort of yo-yo type thing where I would drop really low, scare myself and gain a bunch, scare myself the other way, and so on, over and over again. But you say your metabolism has turned off, it probably has, mine did too, but it will come back. When mine first came back I lost a ton of weight that I had worked really hard to gain. I kind of think that we may be the same, I get the impression that you are naturally thin, so that even without an ED you wouldn't be very big. I think I'm telling you this because the idea of becoming fat or fatter or bigger is an awful one to face when you have a recovery ahead. It's awful to have to wrap your mind around that. I guess I never once believed that I'd eat a doughnut or cinnabun or whatever without thinking twice (and if I was all alone I might still think "maybe I should only eat half") but incredibly, I can eat those things and it doesn't bother me. If I'm with other people eating them, I don't even notice anymore. I think you'll get there someday too: you'll still be thin, but you'll be able to eat things just like other people and you'll not even think about what you're doing. It's crazy, but I used to think exactly what you wrote, and when I read it, it brought back memories.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and praying that you'll find happiness where this ED doesn't control you or get in the way of any part of your life. Keep fighting it even with baby steps. ((hugs)) xoxo