Medical Priority List

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday at the hospital. My bloodwork shows potassium levels dropping. I will have to go in for magnesium infusions i think... wtf... where do you get magnesium from? I do not want to go on an IV... it will probably make me swell up with 15lbs. of water! My poor mind will not be able to handle that. I love female doctors and feel so much more comfortable with them than with male docs. She looked me deep in the eyes and said, "Tia, you're really struggling aren't you. You don't need to say anything, your body shows that what you're doing is not okay." There was somethign in her tone of voice. Maybe it was the genuine caring and concern that got to me. I felt like for once someone could see what I'm going through and really feel like they wanted to be there to help me. So many people in my life are just angry at me for doing this to myself. I feel like an outcast much of the time. . Even though it was a question, there wasn't a questioning tone in her voice. It sounded more like a statement. For once I felt validated.

The Bottom Line: I'm on the high alert medical priority list for IP. The doctor (and I'm in agreement with this) cannot see a feasible way of me stopping the b/p and restriction on my own. Believe me, I've been fighting constantly against b/p-ing. I wish more than anything that I never learned how to throw up. Ideally I want to just stop b/p but not stop the restriction but apparently they go hand in hand. You can't really stop purging without sopping restrictiong because it's the restricting that drives your mind to go on these binges which lead to the inevitable purging. My heart is showing irregular beats and I'm hypoglycemic. I never thought hypoglycemia was deadly but apparently in can be as bad if not worse than electrolyte imbalances...

This morning I screwed up (again). I slept until 10:30am and I start work at 8:30. I was 2.5 hours late! My supervisor was awesome as usual. Thank God I'm a good worker when i'm at work and I get everything done despite having to take time off so frequently for appointmetns! This allows her to be more lenient and flexible with me when shit like this happens - and it's been happening more often. I used to be able to keep everything together and I let NOTHING interfere with my work. Therefore, the fact that my work-life is slipping is extremely alarming to me. In the past even when everything was crashing I managed to keep my work unscathed. This time, it's tougher.

In light of today, I chose to open up to my supervisor about the ED and possible upcoming hospitalization. I know she'll keep everything confidential and I feel much better about getting all that off my chest. It also makes it easier when I have to book off time for appointments. I just can't believe she never showed any hints of nosiness or curiosity before when I asked for time off. She didn't ask a single question. She just listened and empathized but I could tell she was grateful that I had told her what was going on.

On the positive side: Here's the adorable new netbook I bought. It's an 8.9" Acer Aspire One in baby pink. OMG I love it! It's so portable, it's no bigger having a hard cover book in your purse.