Edema, Death of a Bulimic Acquaintance

I am actually falling asleep at my desk. Literally. The AC is way too cold as usual so I've got my space heater on underneath my desk. The gentle heat is slulling me to sleep. I guess it doesn't help that I only slept 2 hours last night. Totally my own fault for not going to bed earlier. The temperature at work is unbearable. I don't know why everyone finds it necessary to turn the air conditioning on full blast. The damn thing is right above my desk. I have a woolly scarf, a winter jacket and a fleece blanket that I use to wrap myself with in a futile attempt to stay warm. It's also a huge waste of energy for me to use a heater while the AC is on. What I need is my own office rather than a cubicle. Hmm... if only I could get my supervisor to go for that! lol

Therapy appointment. I am so embarrassed. I drew way too much attention to myself without good reason and I feel like running away just thinking about yesterday. All day I had been having a bit of tightness and discomfort on my left side (chest/back/down my arm) and it got a bit worse near the end of my appointment. My hand also started cramping and feeling tingly. My T noticed my discomfort and wanted me to see a doctor before I left the premises (or she would call the ambulance). I tried to convince her I was OK but NOOO.... I had to sit there for 1/2 hour and wait for the ADOLESCENT EDU program physician. The doc for the adult program wasn't working. She did a whole bunch of tests, checked my last lab results, etc... and of course everything was fine. I hate that I wasted their time when everything was fine. I would feel so much better if things had not been fine. I would have felt validated. Now I just feel like an attention-seeking fat cow.

Oh yeah, I have pitting edema due to low protein levels in the blood from malnutrition. Apparently the proteins in the blood help hold salt and water inside the blood vessels so fluid does not leak out into the tissues. If albumin (the most abundant blood protein) gets too low, edema occurs especially in the feet, ankles and lower legs. I've got it bad. It's so uncomfortable and my lower limbs look huge. Totally detrimental to my body image. Ironic, eh? Apparently the only cure is to eat protein.

Today I also found out that a girl from our treatment centre just passed away from her ED. She has a son. She was very well liked and is described by everyone as "a beautiful person inside and out". This shows how fucked my head is: When I heard the news my first reaction wasn't sadness, it was competitiveness.

Look at HER. Look how much better she is than you. She did this eating disorder properly, she showed willpower, she *succeeded*. You are so weak, you call attention to yourself with your 'fake' chest pains and tingling in the hands. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not thin enough to have any medical issues, you can't even do an ED properly!

I feel like a little girl when I say this, but I have a terrible fear of abandonment and what will happen to me if/when I go IP and gain weight. I asked Kristina how it's possible that she can see so many people of varying degrees of sickness yet care about the biggest person as much as the skinniest. She told me that each and every person is deserving of care, regardless of shape/weight/size etc. Why can I not wrap my head around this!? Why can't I believe that I don't need to keep proving that I'm worth caring for? I think therein lies the key to recovery for me. I need to believe I deserve to be cared for, without being on a death bed.