IUI #1

So, we've been TTC for over a year. This means that we are actually classified as having fertility issues. I never in a million years thought I would be in this boat. I got pregnant with my son when I was on the pill for goodness sake! Anyways, I went for my first IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination) today. The clinic has suggested going this route first (before using drugs or even thinking about IVF) as it is the most non-invasive method but gets the sperm closer to the egg and therefore, increases your chances. It's not overly expensive either. $300 per cycle. Yeah, that seems expensive but compared to $12,000 for one round of IVF, it's just pennies! I'm surprised that the clinic isn't giving me Clomid or using a trigger shot before the IUI to better time it. They aren't even doing ultrasound monitoring (which is another $100 and I could choose to do but they said it doesn't really increase my odds). Most other women I've talked to are using one or more of these methods in addition to the IUI. The IUI was nothing. No pain or discomfort. After having one baby and having people poke around down there so much, you get immune to it and the embarrassment factor goes away, lol.

Fertility Clinic

I went for a first consultation at a Fertility Clinic. We have been TTC since April 2012 with no success. The clinic ordered bloodwork and an HSG test (eek!) They weren't too concerned since I'm young (28) and have had a child before. Well, we will see!

Unsure about Kids

The more time that elapses, the more I wonder whether I really want kids or not. It is just so much work. So tiring. Getting an uninterrupted night’s sleep becomes a luxury and your entire life gets consumed with baby. I did it alone last time since my ex and I broke up when my son was 4 months. Luckily I had the help of my parents or I would have never been able to finish university. I have always been ambitious and career oriented. I have never wanted to be a stay at home mom – it would drive me stir crazy! I cannot see myself giving up my education and being solely devoted to my kids. I admire those who do it, but I get too much fulfilment from working. My husband wants kids so badly. He said that having kids is more important than his career at this point. When we first got together he was vague and undecided about wanting kids. I always thought after I had my son, that I wouldn’t have any more kids. It was like I’d checked that off my list. Have a kid. CHECK! And I didn’t have a huge desire to do it again. I feel so torn. I want to please him and to have a child out of curiosity for what our genes combined will create and as a representation of our love – but I am almost phobic of losing myself into the void of motherhood that I see so many women go down. I don’t want to be defined by being a mother and only a mother. I don’t want to lose myself – the self that I’ve fought so hard to find through the years and layers of ED. I do NOT want the majority of the responsibility to fall on me. I need an equal partner and I’m just so scared that by virtue of being a woman, it will end up falling on me sooner or later.

Thoughts on having another child

We have been trying to conceive since April 2012. To tell the truth, the main reason we started ttc was not exactly for the right reason. I contemplated having another kid but was not dead set on it (my son from a prev relationship will be 6 in Feb/13). We only really started trying and I went off birth control because our lawyer suggested that it would help our relocation case/ custody case if I got pregnant. But the longer we tried, the more sure my husband has become that he really really really wants kids. Me being obsessive by nature, I began charting my basal body temperature on fertilityfriend.com right away. 9 months later, we are STILL NOT PREGNANT! I am shocked because with my son, I got pregnant by accident, while taking birth control. I was 21 when I got pregnant. I know a lot of eating disorder stuff has happened in the last 5 years, but could that really be enough to make conceiving this difficult? I didn’t have my period for 3+ years and just got it back within the last year. I’ve been told by so many people that the moment we stop trying, that is when it will happen, but I don’t know how to “stop trying” or to forget about trying.

Crazy feelings

I’m feeling out of control and crazy. I wonder if I will ever be free from the abandonment issues that have plagued me for so long. I have such a good thing right now that I’m terrified to ruin it. I fear that my fears will become self-fulfilling prophecies. I hate this monster inside me that twists everything in my head and leaves me completely confused and lost and empty. I have no good reason to feel abandoned. I get so many emails and texts every day telling me how much he loves and cherishes me. We had a great first Christmas together, but not without a lot of family drama on my side. I’m sad to admit that I have gone back to the old reassurance of self-injury (wrist banging in an effort to ward off the urges to cut). On Christmas Eve I contemplated taking a bottle of sleeping pills to get away from the tension regarding where I would spend Christmas. I don’t want to commit suicide. I want to live, I just want to prove how much distress I am in because words without action are not powerful enough to be noticed. BB managed to talk me out of it by saying, “Please, for me, don’t do this”. My mom was upset that I wanted to spend part of the day with C’s family. She felt betrayed and kept saying, “you’re not even engaged, you’re not married, WE are your family so you should be with us”. I wanted to scream at her, “But I AM married! WE are a family now!” but of course I couldn’t say a thing. It never seems to matter what *I* want. The only time it ever mattered was when I was so skeletal and emaciated that people could visibly see my pain. Or when I was covered in cuts that screamed the truth to people who wouldn’t listen to me otherwise. The fact that he is so reassuring and understanding only makes me feel more guilty. I don’t want to put him through this hell. This is MY hell and nobody else should be subjected to it. I have dealt with it for so many years. I don’t know if it has become a part of me and if I can ever be rid of it. I finally found someone who loves me. I wish I could explain the empty feeling and that it is not HIM. It is Me. Everyone thinks that since I’m not teetering on the edge of death, that things are OK. Instead, with the weight has come a flood of emotions that I simply could not feel before due to starvation. So many times before I have reached this point and then thrown it all away to run back down the ED road. This time is a little different. I have things that I WANT to live for, but the problem is, I don’t know if I know how to fight. It’s never worked before – why would it work now? I’m afraid of all the empty, hollow time after work. There is an old ED part that is starting to get excited about the freedom and time that I would have to b/p. I’m trying to not think about all the places I can stop and get food on the way home. If nothing else, bingeing and purging is a way to fill the time and blank out my thinking for a few hours. At this point I don’t know what I’m going to do, but the voice is telling me – go for it. The biggest difference between this time and all other times is that if I do slip up and lose the one I love, it will be a much harder blow because I have now had the opportunity to taste true HAPPINESS.

I'm Back

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. The circular logic here is that the longer I go without blogging, the more daunting it seems to get back into it because there is so much to catch up on and I don’t know where to begin. So I procrastinate and don’t write for even longer. And so it goes. I used to blog at Diaryland, then at Blogger and now my home is here at WordPress. I have locked up my old blogs because I wasn’t anonymous enough there and people from my “real life” were starting to read and I got a little freaked out. Life has been really crazy. I’ve had more ups and downs in the past year than I have ever had before. BB and I had our wedding ceremony a couple of weekends ago. It was actually our 1 year anniversary since we signed the court marriage papers in 2011 so that we could apply for my Green Card sooner, but only a few people knew that. His parents didn’t even know. The wedding was beautiful and everything I hoped for, but it’s also a relief to have it over and done with. Now that we are officially married, our secret is safe forever (hopefully). We were supposed to have a custody hearing right after the wedding to determine whether or not I could move to the USA with my son to live with my husband, but on the day of the trial it ended up being postponed to June. Another 6 whole months of living like this – living in limbo – not even knowing what country I will be living in. I was expecting this all to be resoved by the end of the year, but now I have to wait another 1/2 year to find out. On the bright side, the judge seemed to side with us since we are only asking to move 1 1/4 hours away, so maybe my ex will be shaken up enough by it to want to settle and agree to let us move. Who knows… I’ve been trying to get his consent to move for the past year with no success, so that is why we’ve finally had to resort to going to court over it. The stress of the relocation case has been wearing at me. I have lost 10 lbs in the past month. Not even ED related, just that I literally have not had an appetite. But I would be lying if I said that I am not pleased with the weight loss and the old anorexic part of my brain jumped with joy.

Wedding and Reception

WE ARE MARRIED!!! Well, for the second time, but this time in front of all our family and friends. We chose this date exactly 1 year from the day we signed the papers at the court house (to get immigration application rolling). It was a perfect day! For a December wedding, the weather was wonderful. Really crisp and cool but the sun shone all day. We had family from BC, Whidbey Island, Port Angeles, and all over Washington. 80 guests - mostly all family. Kids were invited of course, and my son was our ring bearer. Most people don't know that we actually were married 1 year ago. I think that is a secret we will end up taking to the grave with us. It would hurt them more if they knew we eloped, so we don't need to tell them. When enough years have passed, nobody will remember the year anyway except for us.

US Consulate Immigration Interview

We are in Montréal! Believe it or not, the only place in Canada that they do these Spousal visa interviews is at the US Consulate in Montréal, Québec. We made a vacation out of it since we have all never been here before. It is a beautiful city! On the day of the interview, C went super early and stood outside at 7:30am. Even this early he was the second person in line. I showed up closer to 9am with my son when the doors were about to open. It was scary taking the train alone and rushing to the most important appointment of our lives. I almost got lost, but figured it out just in time. OUR VISAS WERE APPROVED!!! The interview was so easy. They were really nice and the only question they asked was how we met. We are now Greencard Holders!!! It took 9 months from initial application to approval. That is pretty fast, from what I'm told. A few other couples also waiting that day told us that it took them over a year. I'm pretty pleased, since we did it ourselves - no lawyers - and I was really diligent with the paperwork and making sure everything was completed fully to cut down on the back and forth and processing time for incomplete applications. Now we just need to wait for our hearing to see if we are allowed to move down here.

Going off the Pill

My husband and I have decided to start trying to conceive!!! I stopped taking my BCP. Let the journey begin!

One bite

One bite too many leads to the next 3-4 hours in a cycle of b/p. One bite too many is like the straw that breaks the camel's back. feel like I have no control. No self-regulation. Disgusting.