Unsure about Kids

The more time that elapses, the more I wonder whether I really want kids or not. It is just so much work. So tiring. Getting an uninterrupted night’s sleep becomes a luxury and your entire life gets consumed with baby. I did it alone last time since my ex and I broke up when my son was 4 months. Luckily I had the help of my parents or I would have never been able to finish university. I have always been ambitious and career oriented. I have never wanted to be a stay at home mom – it would drive me stir crazy! I cannot see myself giving up my education and being solely devoted to my kids. I admire those who do it, but I get too much fulfilment from working. My husband wants kids so badly. He said that having kids is more important than his career at this point. When we first got together he was vague and undecided about wanting kids. I always thought after I had my son, that I wouldn’t have any more kids. It was like I’d checked that off my list. Have a kid. CHECK! And I didn’t have a huge desire to do it again. I feel so torn. I want to please him and to have a child out of curiosity for what our genes combined will create and as a representation of our love – but I am almost phobic of losing myself into the void of motherhood that I see so many women go down. I don’t want to be defined by being a mother and only a mother. I don’t want to lose myself – the self that I’ve fought so hard to find through the years and layers of ED. I do NOT want the majority of the responsibility to fall on me. I need an equal partner and I’m just so scared that by virtue of being a woman, it will end up falling on me sooner or later.