This morning I think I'm being punished... I'm paying for my purging slip yesterday.Everything in my body aches and I feel so cold, like I am freezing from the inside out. I've got a fleece blanket, a wool scarf, a space heater and gloves on at my desk while everyone else is wearing t-shirts and cute knee-length skirts. I feel like the chill is coming from inside me and I can't do anything to warm up. I want to go back to bed. My doctor said last week that she was amazed that I'm still working full time. I hope I can keep this up. I love my job and I don't want to be stuck in a bed at home, although right now that is the only place I want to be.
My weight is at an all time low for me, but the number still doesn't sound low to me. My goal is 88lbs and I am 5'6". 88 is perfect because it's under 90 with enough of a margin to feel safe. Also, when you're in the 80's it sounds so much thinner than in the 90's. All I know is that right now, I cannot even imagine being in the triple digits. It's weird how people get hung up on numbers. Maybe I should start weighing myself in kilograms or stones or some obscure measure that takes away the stigma of the double/triple digit thing.
I know I need help, I am just waiting for someone to MAKE me go because it's too hard to say, "I'm going to take care of myself" and make the decision. I want someone else to decide for me and I know that's harder as an adult because of personal rights, etc. I think that If I were thin enough/sick enough that they would commit me or make me go "sgainst my will" then it would be easier for me to accept the help and truly believe that I am "sick enough". Thank you everyone for your caring and concern and even comments to say hello or that you're thinking of me - they mean the world when you feel so terribly alone.
I hate the fall and winter - back to school, thanksgiving, christmas, changing weather, cold and wetness, everything starts winding up and moving quickly. I always feel this ache inside around this time of year. A longing for something that I don't even understand and something I have never managed to obtain. I just want to find some peace.
I am so worried about you. Please get yourself to the hospital. It's so difficult to watch you do this to yourself and not be able to help. Starving yourself for three days, then stuffing yourself full and forcefully ridding yourself of it...I'm afraid you're sending your body into shock and that's why you're so cold now. You ARE sick...not only do we see it in your writing, but we can see it clearly in your photos. Again, think about your son. He needs you.
ReplyDeleteI doctor is losing her composure because you are dying, because of your disease you will never see it...want me to dig for your info and send an ambulance? Do you want them to send the cops and have you committed? what do you mean "make you" im so pissed at you I could shake you and I dont even f-ing know you! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Your baby is about to lose his mother you fool! GODDAMN it! You wonder why you friends are leaving? Because you are going to die and it hurts to much! Get up call an ambulance and go to the hospital! You cant help your self anymore, your mind is gone! There is a point of no return you know, a point where refeeding is not going to save you even at the hospital. Maybe you are already gone....someone else died on TF today, and she wasnt near as ill as you are now. RIP I feel sorry for your kid.
ReplyDeletewhy do people feel lit's ok to make rude comments?
ReplyDeletedoes that help? when someone like me already feels so crappy about everything, stuff like that does NOT help. it's not constructive in the least, just judgemental and harsh. and it also bugs me that the comment above was posted under "anonymous". at least have the guts to put your name to your comment especially if you're gonna be as opinionated as that.