I received the most terrifying news today. I was deciding about whether or not to take an IP admission date of September 17th but that decision has been made for me. Like it or not, I'm going. I had my regular doctor's appointment today, expecting things to go as they usually do, but that didn't happen. When I arrived they had already set up a tour of the ward and a Precare appointment... i had no idea!
My doc told me that under the mental health act she has certified me, so my admission is no longer elective. it's mandatory. she even went as far as saying that if i don't show up, there will be cops at my house to bring me to the hospital because they deem me incapable of making treatment decisions for myself right now. "Unfortunately, you cannot make that decision for yourself right now so I have to make it for you."
Part of me thinks she's bull-shitting me. I'm not sick enough to be certified! I work full time, I wake up every morning, carry on with my day, I do normal things like other people, I'm not an invalid... etc. How can she say that? It flies in the face of everything I see in myself. I feel like a capable person and she's saying the opposite! A huge part of me thinks she won't actually follow through on the part about the cops but the other side of me says not to chance it because it would be a huge, ugly scene if that actually did happen and i had to be handcuffed, etc.
does anyone have any experience with being forced into treatment? don't you have to be like literally almost dead for them to do that to you? (which i'm not...) they only gave me 1 week notice... how do you get your life in order in 1 week!? my mind is EVERYWHERE right now. This next week is going to be hell... then more hell when i'm in IP... Does anyone know how much weight you'd have to gain in a week to 'prove' that i don't need to be IP?
Don't fight this. You said recently that you were waiting for someone to force you, to prove to yourself that you NEED this. Well, they are forcing you and YOU DO NEED THIS. If you don't go, you will die. You will die and you will be leaving your son behind. It's worth it to scramble for a week, to be gone for awhile, in order to ensure that someday you will see Zach grow, go to school, graduate, get married, etc. Please just stop fighting the people who are trying to help you and just let them help you!
ReplyDeleteTia, Jenn is perfectly right. This is the validation you wanted, your proof that people care and are intervening because you ARE SICK ENOUGH! Just because you're functioning and living your life doesn't mean that you're okay because you know that you aren't!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad they're forcing you! You'll see, in the long run you'll be thankful because you'll get to see Zack grow up.
Loves.
Things will all get sorted out this week, don't you worry. You ARE sick enough to go and you have had someone make the decision for you, so all that is left is for you to go and make the decision to live. You CAN do this tianne and I know you will. For yourself, for Zach, for your family.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry i haven't been around to read you. i haven't been around much to read anyone's blogs but I seen your photos and i just had to see. I didn't know you were this ill. I'm worried about you. worried for zachary. you said in one of your enteries that you were waiting for someone to make you go get help. Now they are and now you're upset. When will you be thin enough to see that YOU need help? I don't know if you will ever be 'thin' enough in your eyes. I saw your photos and your too thin and I THINK you know that already you're just looking at it by the number. I'm sad for zachary. You say that you are functioning correctly, Theres no way you can be. I'm not going to sit here and lecture you because I'm sure a million people have said all of this before. I wish you the best. It saddens me to see you like this. It saddens me that zachary may lose his mother to this disease and it seems like you're allowing it to get the best of you just so you can feel better at seeing how low of a number you can get on the scale. Please when you go TRY and get better. YOU can do this. please!
ReplyDeleteTianne, I wish you the best with your recovery IP and up until IP. I don't know too much about the being "forced" into IP, except that once you're over the age of 18 they deem you a risk to your own health. Pretty sure that here in the US you can't "prove" or get out of going -- you can simply leave early once you get there (like you fight it and it takes them the better part of a day to get you back out). I know that can be done for alcoholics, but I don't know how it works for people with eating disorders. Either way, don't fight going to IP. I'm sure that with your mother to help you with Zach and your supportive boss seems to be understanding as well. It seems like a lot all at once, but in the long run it will be a good thing. I'm looking forward so much to the day when I come read your blog to hear you excited about how far you've come or how much better you feel -- and I know that day will come (whether you write about it here or not). Please try to focus on spending some time with Zach or doing something you enjoy and try to be easy on yourself. No one doubts your ability to function, you're a very hard worker, it's just that there is a difference between functioning and living. We want you to be able to enjoy life to its fullest and really live without anything getting in the way -- I'm sure that's what your doctor means too. ((hugs))
ReplyDelete