The IP coordinator called at around 4pm yesterday. She told me that based on my last bloodwork from Friday, the doctor wants to speed up my IP admission. They have set the date as Thursday, September 17th. Wow, that is not a lot of notice at all. That's just over a week! I can't do this... I know I have to but I can't.
How can I get my 'things' in order before I go? Arrange childcare, find coverage at work, not leave them hanging, etc. How do I get to my goal weight before I go in? I need to achieve that 88lbs so I can feel like at least I was sick enough, at least the number was low enough to warrant me going IP in the first place. I don't want to feel like an imposter in there. Everyone will think I'm faking it, they'll wonder wtf i'm doing in there compared to the other skinnier stick-girls. I see the doctor tomorrow and I'm hoping I can talk to her and get the date pushed back a little bit. The good part is that the coordinator said if my bloodwork is any better this week there might be a bit of leeway with admission dates, but as it stands, those are doctor's orders.
I'm feeling all crazy and pulled in 2 directions... I need to feel that achievement of 88lbs before I can let myself go in. At least that way I can say to myself "I did it, I made it to 88". If I go IP right now, all that will be shot and it will be back to square 1. The other part of me wants to scream at the doctor and tell her to please certify me. Please take away my free will because this free will is going to kill me. Please deem me a medical danger to myself and put me in, regardless of what I say. I need that kind of intravening force right now because the ED is so strong. Oh God, where did everything get so fucked up? How did I go from 'normal' to 'absolutely insane' in a year and a half.
It's not fair. This lady at work was talking about how she lost 15 lbs over the past month by cutting out sugar. Everyone was so happy for her, congratulated her, oohed and ahhed over how great she looked. Then everyone started talking about their own diets. I felt so awkward and this anger started welling up inside me. Why is it okay for everyone else to talk about wanting to lose weight and get thin and then when I do precisely that, I end up with an IP admission looming ahead? It's so completely unfair and such a double standard.
Tianne... please don't push back the IP date too much!! I think it would be completely understandable to say you want to be home with Zach over the weekend before you go or something like that, but don't wait too long. Reading your entry makes me think back to my lowest weight. I kept thinking and even writing (don't know if you read back then, but you were one of the first people who did... so maybe) that I just HAD to get to X weight and then it would all be over. I wound up five pounds short of that weight, but I can't say that it feels like some failure now. I don't look back and go "Oh wow I F-ed that up by not getting all the way down to X." Trust me, you won't either. When you look back on it, it's more of a disbelief. You'll actually start to question things and think "no, that couldn't have happened," except you wrote it all down... well, some of it. You're an inch taller than me, and when I was that low things stopped functioning properly with my body. Pretty sure that you're experiencing some of that, but eventually things will stop functioning to the point that it would be really really hard to make it through the work day. Actually, what I'm talking about is more embarrassing than it is "severe", but trust me, you don't want to get too low into the 80's regardless of how thin it sounds.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I read your earlier posts... don't be ashamed of the purging so much. You gave your body three whole days of rest -- and that IS something. I know it all seems black and white, I would think the exact same thing (so this might make me a hypocrite), but you need to look at the good in order to stay strong and positive about your recovery. Do you ever find yourself thinking that you know you can recover, but that it just isn't time yet because you have to be thin first? That was one of my biggest problems, and I think that putting off IP might mean you think that way too. I know it might be hard to realize this, but you do look thin. I'm not some fat person telling you that you look thin, and I'm pretty sure the others aren't either. We're people who can see you getting thinner in pictures and maybe even relate to it, so you have to trust us. You're competitive, so maybe when you're IP you can try to be the best at recovering??
Please take care and stay strong Tianne!! xoxo
No more pushing back dates love. You said September, and unfortunately September is here! You know you need to do this. Your job will be there when you get back and so will Zach and your family.
ReplyDeleteAnd like Kris said, you are thin. Really, really thin. You are sick enough, there are no more validations.
Please don't put this off again.
Take care love!