I find that the days leading up to IP are always the most chaotic ones. I get into this "fuck it" mentality and then it's no holds barred, barrelling straight down the path to self-destruction. I have been doing nothing but binging and purging the entire weekend. Interspersed with handfuls of laxatives and diuretics.
I know I'm doing some dangerous shit... but in a way I'm toeing the line, seeing just how far I can push it because no matter what, I know that in 2 days I will be in the hospital which is a 100% controlled environment. Game over. They'll make me stop all the behaviors and they'll make me eat. Why should I even TRY right now. In 2 days it won't be a choice anymore. It is really like watching someone who is not me in a horror movie. I see them running around like a hamster on a crazy wheel, doing all this stuff and not giving a shit about living or dying.
part of me also thinks, why do all this ED stuff when you will have to get fat in a couple days anyway? Why not just TRY to eat normally for the next couple days. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I'm still sooo scared that I won't be "sick enough" to be there. It's so fucked up that THIS is my main concern. They'll think I'm an imposter. I'm so filled with guilt that I will be taking one of the only 7 beds in the province. ME? I don't get it... (I know I sound like a broken record, but the same thing keeps playing over and over in my brain).
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Preparing for IP in 4 days
I'm trying to make peace with going into the hospital in 4 days. This weekend I have lists and lists of stuff to do, loose ends to tie up, etc. I'm reminding myself to trust the people who supposedly know what they are doing, to make decisions for me and to follow without putting up too much of a fight.
This time around I'm going to try not to let the little things bug me, like the power struggles between patients and staff over whether or not you can doodle in your notebook during group, blah blah blah.
The dietician phoned yesterday to pick my menus. I amazed myself at how much of the menu I can remember from the last time (5 months ago). My meal plan will be small to start - 1 item from each group at each meal + 3 snacks/day. For my protein food I picked cottage cheese each and every meal. Oh, and also for evening snack which can't be a fruit/veggie. I guess I will be eating a LOT of cottage cheese, since nothing else on the menu sounds doable right now.
Last time I didn't complete any of my meals - I replaced with Boost at every single meal :( - so that is one of my goals this time around - to finish at least one meal. The mental barrier for me is seeing the empty plate and feeling like a pig for having finished everything on the plate. Boost also feels safer because it's not like a chunk of food sitting like a brick inside you. At least it's a liquid and seems easier to digest. My mind is warped - I know that by drinking the Boost you end up consuming more calories than if you just ate the food - but yet I still opt for the Boost because it seems safer.
My workplace is incredibly supportive this time as they were the past 2 times. My supervisor is an amazing lady. I love her. She toes the line between asking questions and being supportive but yet not prying and invading my privacy. I'm pretty open with everyone since it's kinda obvious anyway. I used to hide and pretend but I'm past that point. Nobody has judged me (that I know of anyway) and the overwhelming reaction is caring and concern. A pleasant surprise!
This time around I'm going to try not to let the little things bug me, like the power struggles between patients and staff over whether or not you can doodle in your notebook during group, blah blah blah.
The dietician phoned yesterday to pick my menus. I amazed myself at how much of the menu I can remember from the last time (5 months ago). My meal plan will be small to start - 1 item from each group at each meal + 3 snacks/day. For my protein food I picked cottage cheese each and every meal. Oh, and also for evening snack which can't be a fruit/veggie. I guess I will be eating a LOT of cottage cheese, since nothing else on the menu sounds doable right now.
Last time I didn't complete any of my meals - I replaced with Boost at every single meal :( - so that is one of my goals this time around - to finish at least one meal. The mental barrier for me is seeing the empty plate and feeling like a pig for having finished everything on the plate. Boost also feels safer because it's not like a chunk of food sitting like a brick inside you. At least it's a liquid and seems easier to digest. My mind is warped - I know that by drinking the Boost you end up consuming more calories than if you just ate the food - but yet I still opt for the Boost because it seems safer.
My workplace is incredibly supportive this time as they were the past 2 times. My supervisor is an amazing lady. I love her. She toes the line between asking questions and being supportive but yet not prying and invading my privacy. I'm pretty open with everyone since it's kinda obvious anyway. I used to hide and pretend but I'm past that point. Nobody has judged me (that I know of anyway) and the overwhelming reaction is caring and concern. A pleasant surprise!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
GP visit
My appointment yesterday with my GP didn't go so great. He's a really soft-spoken, gentle, infinitely patient person. He usually lets me get away with anything. Yesterday was the most firm I have ever heard him.
I'm trying hard to believe that he is telling the truth when he says, you could die at any moment. Your body can only take so much.
My body is strong. I'm a fighter. I've managed to teeter at the edge for so long... I still go to work every day, look after a very active 3 yr old, manage NOT to die. But he's afraid I'm nearing the edge and when I do fall, it'll be fast and hard. I wish I could just believe him instead of thinking - this is a load of overdramatized crap.
It's always hard to hear, "your brain is not working properly. each week I see you, your cognitive ability is more impaired." It's like hearing someone say you're stupid. Maybe I am - stupid stupid stupid.
I'm trying hard to believe that he is telling the truth when he says, you could die at any moment. Your body can only take so much.
My body is strong. I'm a fighter. I've managed to teeter at the edge for so long... I still go to work every day, look after a very active 3 yr old, manage NOT to die. But he's afraid I'm nearing the edge and when I do fall, it'll be fast and hard. I wish I could just believe him instead of thinking - this is a load of overdramatized crap.
It's always hard to hear, "your brain is not working properly. each week I see you, your cognitive ability is more impaired." It's like hearing someone say you're stupid. Maybe I am - stupid stupid stupid.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
just 1 day...
All i want is one day. one single day where I do not purge. One single day where my focus is on something beyond weight/shape/size. but is that day possible? i sometimes question myself and my "real" wants. if i truly wanted to go 1 day p-free, i would be able to do it right? where there is a will there is away... yadda yaddda yadda. so i must not REALLY want it...
but every time i'm at that point just before the purge, i SWEAR it will be my last time. I promise myself I will not put myself in this position again, and time after time, i break that promise. I truly do not know how to quit this bullshit.
where there is a will there is not always a way. not a way that i can see within myself. i guess i'm not strong enough... i guess that's where the hospital steps in and takes over. stupid me, always needing to rely on external supports to get anywhere. it feels like they are doing the work FOR me. and then i feel like a failure.
but every time i'm at that point just before the purge, i SWEAR it will be my last time. I promise myself I will not put myself in this position again, and time after time, i break that promise. I truly do not know how to quit this bullshit.
where there is a will there is not always a way. not a way that i can see within myself. i guess i'm not strong enough... i guess that's where the hospital steps in and takes over. stupid me, always needing to rely on external supports to get anywhere. it feels like they are doing the work FOR me. and then i feel like a failure.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Small Success
Just a quick update to say I'm still here...
I've started down a path that I never thought I would: Laxatives.
I've gotten to the point that I'm so desperate to stop b/p but yet I cannot seem to deal with the extra water my body is hanging onto. I feel it in my fingers, toes, ankles - I know it's water because it's impossible to gain 5lbs of real weight overnight - but even knowing that it's only water does not help. The number is the number and that number rules my life. A handful of laxatives... seems to help... but it's a slippery slope and just one more way to destroy myself I suppose. One more thing to get addicted to and one more bad habit to have to break. Maybe recovery is just jumping from bad behavior to bad behavior... maybe that's the best I can hope for...
One small success to report: Being home alone is always a huge temptation and trigger for me to b/p, just because i CAN. Driving home from work yesterday, my son was spending the night at his dad's and my parents wouldn't be home for a couple hours. Driving home from work last night I was so tempted to b/p... I actually stopped outside Little Caesar's and parked the car, then somehow managed to talk myself out of it. I literally sat outside for 10 minutes, going back and forth in my head, should I, shouldn't I? Then started the car and drove away. I wish I could say that I didn't b/p at all, but I did when I got home, I just managed to *delay* it and by not buying the pizza. :)
I've started down a path that I never thought I would: Laxatives.
I've gotten to the point that I'm so desperate to stop b/p but yet I cannot seem to deal with the extra water my body is hanging onto. I feel it in my fingers, toes, ankles - I know it's water because it's impossible to gain 5lbs of real weight overnight - but even knowing that it's only water does not help. The number is the number and that number rules my life. A handful of laxatives... seems to help... but it's a slippery slope and just one more way to destroy myself I suppose. One more thing to get addicted to and one more bad habit to have to break. Maybe recovery is just jumping from bad behavior to bad behavior... maybe that's the best I can hope for...
One small success to report: Being home alone is always a huge temptation and trigger for me to b/p, just because i CAN. Driving home from work yesterday, my son was spending the night at his dad's and my parents wouldn't be home for a couple hours. Driving home from work last night I was so tempted to b/p... I actually stopped outside Little Caesar's and parked the car, then somehow managed to talk myself out of it. I literally sat outside for 10 minutes, going back and forth in my head, should I, shouldn't I? Then started the car and drove away. I wish I could say that I didn't b/p at all, but I did when I got home, I just managed to *delay* it and by not buying the pizza. :)
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Uneventful C-Mas
It's been a blur the past week.
Spent a day in hospital stabilizing stuff, but got to spend C-Mas at home. IT was fun watching my son opening all his gifts and getting so excited about all his toys. It almost made me "feel something" instead of feeling numb like I do 99.9% of the time. I almost felt human. Able to feel, when normally I am unable to feel. The past 2 years at least - feelings have eluded me.
I'm facing a few options regarding tube feeds right now:
1) Take 1 day off work per week to go in for tube feeding. THis would deplete my vacation bank REALLY quickly and I'd also feel totally useless sitting in a hospital bed when I could really be working (or doing something ELSE) and running the feed at the same time.
2) Do night tube feeds. But then I would have to have a tube in my face all the time and it would be totally undoubtedly obvious and in your face to everyone I meet. I'm OK with people at work because they know I've been hospitalized several time in the past while so it's no secret there. I still fear judgement a little bit by my acquaintances or distant co-workers. Because face it, people like to gossip...
3) Getting a PEG tube put in. This one seems pretty drastic and I was quite frankly, SHOCKED that my gp suggested it. I don't think I'm "THAT BAD" to warrant such a thing! But he's leaning to this alternative because it solves both problems - I can to the tube feeds and go to work at the same time AND it's not totally obvious or offensive since it's concealed under your clothes.
I dunno - anyone have any experiences with OP tube feeds or G tubes?
Help me out... I've gotta decide or at least put my 2 cents in if they'll let me.
On a different note, I tried on clothes @ H & M today. I wanted to try and put things in perspective, so I tried on some kids clothing. I couldn't belive it when the size 11-12 kids jeans were too loose on me. They were short but the legs and waist were actually LOOSE! What an effing mess. My head is so fucked up right now, I'm even finding it hard to believe the black and white evidence that I'm smaller than the normal person. My head keeps telling me - they just make kids sizes bigger these days - which is probably partly also true, but my rational mind is battling my irrational ED mind. The battlefield is my body and my sanity.
Spent a day in hospital stabilizing stuff, but got to spend C-Mas at home. IT was fun watching my son opening all his gifts and getting so excited about all his toys. It almost made me "feel something" instead of feeling numb like I do 99.9% of the time. I almost felt human. Able to feel, when normally I am unable to feel. The past 2 years at least - feelings have eluded me.
I'm facing a few options regarding tube feeds right now:
1) Take 1 day off work per week to go in for tube feeding. THis would deplete my vacation bank REALLY quickly and I'd also feel totally useless sitting in a hospital bed when I could really be working (or doing something ELSE) and running the feed at the same time.
2) Do night tube feeds. But then I would have to have a tube in my face all the time and it would be totally undoubtedly obvious and in your face to everyone I meet. I'm OK with people at work because they know I've been hospitalized several time in the past while so it's no secret there. I still fear judgement a little bit by my acquaintances or distant co-workers. Because face it, people like to gossip...
3) Getting a PEG tube put in. This one seems pretty drastic and I was quite frankly, SHOCKED that my gp suggested it. I don't think I'm "THAT BAD" to warrant such a thing! But he's leaning to this alternative because it solves both problems - I can to the tube feeds and go to work at the same time AND it's not totally obvious or offensive since it's concealed under your clothes.
I dunno - anyone have any experiences with OP tube feeds or G tubes?
Help me out... I've gotta decide or at least put my 2 cents in if they'll let me.
On a different note, I tried on clothes @ H & M today. I wanted to try and put things in perspective, so I tried on some kids clothing. I couldn't belive it when the size 11-12 kids jeans were too loose on me. They were short but the legs and waist were actually LOOSE! What an effing mess. My head is so fucked up right now, I'm even finding it hard to believe the black and white evidence that I'm smaller than the normal person. My head keeps telling me - they just make kids sizes bigger these days - which is probably partly also true, but my rational mind is battling my irrational ED mind. The battlefield is my body and my sanity.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
gp
I booked an appt with my gp today - in a couple hrs. I feel like utter shit. I am off work today until friday. That's way too long. I cannot self regulate. I will b p every spare moment I get. my chest hurts snd I am a zombie. I'm afraid of the holidays when everything is closed. I don't know what I am seeing him for. Part of me wants him to admit me today - save me from me. But then I hear the voice telling me if I see him and get tubed I will get fat. And why should I see him? If he doesn't call me then all is well... Fly under the radar... I'm so lost.
Can you ever go back?
Do you think this is true?
"Once you know how to purge it's nearly impossible to stop."
This statement is so true to my life. It's too easy to get rid of food this way. It's so tempting because it's so easy. If I am left alone with food in my stomach and even the smallest window of opportunity to purge, I feel compelled to empty myself of it. I cannot allow it to sit in me.
I had [another] intake/assessment appointment for another ED program. It's always the same thing: How long have you been ED'd [started 16 years ago], why do you think it started [i have no idea. i read a book about anorexia and thought i should try it. No, REALLY. It seems superficial but even after years of therapy and psychoanalysis, that's all I can come up with. Isn't that fucked?], Do you want to recover? [I don't know. I can't imagine a life being fatter than now. I know I'm living on the "razor's edge". I'm stuck between being healthy enough to live my life fully and being sick enough to be permamently hospitalized. So, I bounce in and out of the hospital and this keeps me in a constant state of limbo, unable to plan for the future beyond my next admission. It keeps me from travelling, from getting a new job, from moving out of my parent's house, from being a good mother].
I went to a Mercy Ministries fundraiser/Christmas women's get together at my mom's church. I was a little skeptical about going and only went to humor my mom, but I actually found it really good. My mom is close with the pastor's wife and so, we sat at her table and were introduced to the MM director and intake coordinator. I got to ask a bunch of questions about their program and I'm contemplating doing it. It's a huge commitment = 6 months. But the house is beautiful and the people seem really caring. While we were sitting at the tables watching a video on Mercy Ministries, I had to try and detach myself, dissociate myself. I was too afraid I would break down. I can't explain what I was feeling - like some feeling of warmth or caring or being understood was penetrating the glass shield I have over my emotions and it was scaring me. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away, tried not to listen to the video. I guess it got to me because I could see how much love there was for those girls in the house. The closeness between them and their joy. And it made me feel empty.
"Once you know how to purge it's nearly impossible to stop."
This statement is so true to my life. It's too easy to get rid of food this way. It's so tempting because it's so easy. If I am left alone with food in my stomach and even the smallest window of opportunity to purge, I feel compelled to empty myself of it. I cannot allow it to sit in me.
I had [another] intake/assessment appointment for another ED program. It's always the same thing: How long have you been ED'd [started 16 years ago], why do you think it started [i have no idea. i read a book about anorexia and thought i should try it. No, REALLY. It seems superficial but even after years of therapy and psychoanalysis, that's all I can come up with. Isn't that fucked?], Do you want to recover? [I don't know. I can't imagine a life being fatter than now. I know I'm living on the "razor's edge". I'm stuck between being healthy enough to live my life fully and being sick enough to be permamently hospitalized. So, I bounce in and out of the hospital and this keeps me in a constant state of limbo, unable to plan for the future beyond my next admission. It keeps me from travelling, from getting a new job, from moving out of my parent's house, from being a good mother].
I went to a Mercy Ministries fundraiser/Christmas women's get together at my mom's church. I was a little skeptical about going and only went to humor my mom, but I actually found it really good. My mom is close with the pastor's wife and so, we sat at her table and were introduced to the MM director and intake coordinator. I got to ask a bunch of questions about their program and I'm contemplating doing it. It's a huge commitment = 6 months. But the house is beautiful and the people seem really caring. While we were sitting at the tables watching a video on Mercy Ministries, I had to try and detach myself, dissociate myself. I was too afraid I would break down. I can't explain what I was feeling - like some feeling of warmth or caring or being understood was penetrating the glass shield I have over my emotions and it was scaring me. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away, tried not to listen to the video. I guess it got to me because I could see how much love there was for those girls in the house. The closeness between them and their joy. And it made me feel empty.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Validation
It's pathetic how my self worth is wholly dependant on people's perceptions of me. For example, I went to the bank and my financial planner said, "You've lost a lot of weight, haven't you? Are you OK?" To which I responded nonchalantly, "Oh, really? I didn't even notice, must be all the stress and running around with a toddler. Ha ha."
Yet inside I was jumping for joy. People are so wrapped up in their own worlds that when they actually make comments and *notice* that you've lost weight, it means it must have been pretty significant.
I'm doing pre-care again for my next IP admission. I'm looking at buying an apartment in the near future and trying to be more independant. It's getting confusing for my son to get stuck between me and my mom and all of our drama. Our relationship has always been strained and now it's even worse because of the confusion it causes between who's grandma and who's mom. My mother has always been overly protective and "enmeshed" and overinvolved. Even as adults, she doesn't seem to trust me and my sister.
I've gotta stop putting my life on hold "just in case I get sick". I haven't been applying for jobs because I'm never sure if I'll need to take a chunk of time off to be in the hospital. I have been living at home for the same reason. I think it's time to jump - that leap of faith - and hope it's for the better.
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