too many appointments

I got the H1N1 flu shot yesterday. I can't lift my arm up higher than my shoulder now because it's so stiff and sore. Plus, my 35 pound son wants me to carry him around! I can't believe how big he's getting and how quickly he's growing. He's already over 1/3 of my body weight.

The prozac has been making me feel kinda nauseous and giving me stomach cramps. It has helped a bit with cutting down on purging (as the doctor said it might). Instead of purging 3-4 times per day I only did it 2x per day and a few days I went totally p-free. I think it's definitely helping and hasn't made me gain any weight. I've kinda turned my mind around a little bit regarding quitting purging. It's too much to expect myself to stop cold turkey, so I am telling myself, I'm allowed certain days (2x / week) where I can b/p. All the other days I am trying not to. In this way I hope I can make some progress and not be so overwhelmed by a huge change all at once.

December is already speeding by so quickly. Our tree is up but I haven't done any Christmassy stuff with Zach yet. I'm going to bake a mini gingerbread house and let him decorate it while I do a bigger centerpiece one.

I'm getting so sick of going to appointments, taking time off work, rushing here and there to see this doctor, that nutritionist, 2 psychologists, etc. I feel like I'm getting so worn down just by making myself go to these. I used to love talking to my therapist but now it's become more of a chore, a commute in the cold weather. I see either of two things happening here: either I am outgrowing my T since I've already seen her for 8-9 years or I'm getting into such a low - depressed-like - that I can't even motivate myself to go. I'm not sure.

There are days I look in the mirror and I totally don’t know the person I'm looking at. A logical part of me says I'm small but the image doesn't match. I waste so much time staring at myself trying to make it all make sense but it still doesn't.

Prozac

I made a deal with my tx team.
I will take anti-depressants and they will not tube me (yet), so that will buy me a bit more time and see if that helps a bit.
I realize for the first time in my life that I really do not control this ED. I used to think that I was still in control the whole time and I was "choosing" not to get better, but I have been trying so hard lately not to succumb to the negative thoughts but they continue to overwhelm me. I realize how much this illness is paralyzing me but I feel powerless to do anything. I have tried a lot of different things but nothing gets better. I don't want to "fail" and have to rely on a tube to live, that's why I'm going to take the meds.

December is just around the corner - I have so many difficult memories around Christmas. It seems to be the hardest time of the year. Surrounded by joy and feeling none inside. It makes me feel even deader inside.

wtf

wtf am i doing with my life... i don't know how this will end b/c i'm doing exactly the same thing as pre-ip... i tried to stop, i can't. i truly feel powerless. i truly feel like maybe i could die from this b/c i don't see a different way.
i'm going to give in and take some anti-depressants - i'll ask the doc next time i see her. i've heard certain anti-deps can help you quit b/p ing. i'll try ANYTHING at this point.

Halloween 2009

It was my son's first halloween trick or treating. Last year he was too young, but this year at 2.5 yrs old, he had a blast!!! OMG it brought back such memories for me... the excitement of waiting for it to get dark out so you can go door to door, the bustle of kids outside, all hyped up on sugar and adrenaline. I love seeing all the decorations, watching fireworks on the street then finally retiring back home to count and sort the candy and have some hot chocolate. I was so happy that I was able to share this experience with my son and watch it through a child's eyes all over again.

I feel like I was a good mom tonight. Something I wish I could do better most of the time. It's too bad I hate my puffy face in the pictures of him and me. I'm still feeling huge and depressed and purging way too often, but at last night was so much fun. It made me feel 'normal' even if just for a few hours.



He dressed as a little mouse and charmed absolutely everybody by going around saying, "I'm dressed as a mouse! Squeak squeak!" He caught onto the concept of trick or treating really quickly and kept on saying, "next house" to go and get more candy. Surprisingly, his favorite candy are Rockets! Those are my least fave.

Above are the 3 pumpkins we carved. I'm not a very good pumpkin carver... hence why the spider has only 6 legs! I also didn't do a very good job of decorating, but this devil's food cake from the Food Network was sooo deep and fudgy and delicious. I hope everyone had as great a night as we did.

5 days p-free

Some how I have managed to make it 5 days purge free.
My stomach feels like a rock. It's bloated and distended and my digestive system is turning itself in knots. Edema is back in my calves but not as bad as before. I'm so determined to ride out this water retention nightmare and not let it push me back into the purging cycle.

I feel like my treatment team is mad at me because I declined the out patient 2x per week tube feeds. The attitude I seem to be getting is that they are giving up on me because I'm not "willing to help [my]self". I don't see it like that though. To me, tube feeding is totally artificial and not helpful at all. I need to learn how to be mentally OK with recovery/weight gain, etc. not just depend on a tube. Just when I need them more than ever, they are pushing me away...

IP made me worse

It has been really hard to update.
I feel like shit all the time. I feel so out of sorts with my body, the extra few pounds i'm carrying around from the IP admission.
I have talked to another couple of girls from the program who are now discharged and we all feel the same way: we're now even MORE messed up mentally than before we went in.
I'm purging every single day now, back to eating 500 calories a day.
All I can say is thank god the edema hasn't come back.

I know I don't want to be like this but tx really fucked with my head. They make you gain weight without ANY psychological treatment to help you deal with it. I guess that is what acute care is, just to make you physically ok without any focus on the mental side. Thank god i still have my 2 OP therapists and 2 doctors who I see on alternating weeks. IP made me feel more hopeless than before.

Goodbye IP

There is so much to update about, I know I'm going to forget something, but here goes. I have been terrible at keeping up with updates during the last week of IP and after being discharged. It's been almost 1 week since I left. (Discharged on Thurs, Oct. 8th). The last week in the hospital went by in a blur. I learned how to crochet from the rec. therapist. I am in the process of making a navy blue scarf for Zach. I hope he likes it! I gained quite a bit of weight since the dietitician increase my mealplan quite a bit the last week seeing as I lost weight the first 2 weeks. I felt so full all day long and the food never really got a chance to digest before I had to eat again. Every 2-3 hours they are feeding you. I was so uncomfortable I pretty much just kept a blanket wrapped around me all day long.

2 of the other girls I got close to left the same week - one day before and one day after me, so that made me really happy that we were all saying goodbye to IP together instead of feeling like one was leaving the other behind. I hope they do well... we're going to try and keep in touch and do dinner at least once a month (and try to actually eat it!) The doctor doesn't seem to have much faith in me as she said she's putting my name back on the IP waitlist again and expects me to be back. She also has me set up for outpatient tube feedings 2x per week (tues/wed) to "try and keep you out of IP for as long as we can". I see her tomorrow and I am going to tell her that I don't want the OP feeds. I want to see how I do on my own first and then if I need it then I can do them. Besides, how much good could it possibly do, being tube fed for just 2 days a week. It makes me feel like a car getting filled with gas then being sent on my merry way. LOL.

Good news: I survived! I'm getting back into the routine of things. Back to work yesterday, trying to catch up on emails and piles of paperwork, although my supervisor was awesome and kept everything so organized and detailed exactly what she had done/not done so it was easy for me to slide back into things. Everyone here has been really respectful and hasn't asked any questions or made any comments, good or bad. I'd rather that they keep quiet and even if they think I look "healthier" or "better" that they not tell me because it would be hard to hear.

Before I went in, I was feeling really displaced with Zach and my mom. Zach ADORES his nana and i started feeling like it wouldn't matter to him if I wasn't there, but ever since I got home he's been glued to my side. He only wants me to hold his hand, he wants to be with me 24/7 and for us to spend lots of one-on-one time together. It's been awesome and I'm now recharged and my motivation to be the best mom i can be is renewed.

Bad news: The swelling/edema came back 2 days before discharge and they wanted to keep me for longer because they weren't sure why it had come back after being gone for almost 2 weeks! I also started becoming dehydrated and needing more IV's of saline in addition to the daily magnesium. The swelling made me gain a ton of water weight so my last weigh in was totally inaccurate and as a result I have no idea what my 'real' weight is, which drives me nuts and puts me right back in the same place as BEFORE i went in... my head is still so messed up with what's real vs water weight and this leads to purging to get rid of the extra water which then dehydrates me and puts me in a worse position than before, but i somehow can't break the cycle. Shit. It feels like this whole IP stay was useless since I'm back to square 1.

Since being discharged I have slipped a lot. My goal of IP was to stop the purging cycle (but not necessarily stop restricting). Well, the day I was discharged I purged. And every day since then I have been right back to my old routine of staying up until 2 or 3 AM b/p-ing. It feels like I have failed. Nothing has changed. I'm still restricting, I've lost almost all the weight I gained except for 2-3 lbs. I wish I knew what it would take for me to truly recover and for the changes to "stick" because obviously the past 3 weeks in the hospital didn't do it. I feel like it was a waste of time even though I am so glad to have made the friends that I did in the program.

I miss the nurses and the constant support. I think part of the problem with me relapsing is the way the program is structured. It's a medical program, not necessarily a therapeutic one. They just want to get you medically stable. I feel as if I've been just thrown back into my old life: same stresses, same routine, same everything as before. Of course people are going to relapse without being taught coping skills and without proper discharge planning for when you get home. I'm a bit disappointed but overall still glad for the experience. At least next time I won't be as terrified about going in since I will know what to expect.

Jeans

I feel so fat and disgusting. Absolutely unforgivably GROSS.
I have been wearing leggings and yoga pants until today. My parents, sister and son came to meet me for my dinner pass so I decided to dress up a bit and wear jeans. OMG. I must have gained between the Wednesday weigh in and today because my jeans that used to hang on me are a little tighter. They're still looser than 'normal' jeans should be, but I can feel a difference. I'm F-A-T! I'm freaking out. I cannot eat dinner in this mindset. We're leaving in 30 minutes. I need to do something... 5 more sleeps until I get out of here. I can make it through 5 more sleeps, but this weight CANNOT stay on me. I'm already freaking out so much. How much more weight could I gain in the next 5 days... it's all reversible right???

Fuck... fuck... fuck...

The New Girl

Someone was discharged today and the new girl just arrived to take her spot. How quickly it all happens. Goodbye to one, Hello to the next. The ever revolving door of ED patients needing help.

I feel immensely triggered right now. Of course she's teeny... she just got here and hasn't been 'fattened up' yet. She also looks like she's 12 and speaks in that little girl high-pitched sorta whiny kinda tone. I hate feeling so fat in comparison. Fat, worthless, disgusting.

This also happens to be terrible timing - she arrived 15 minutes before lunch. Getting through lunch will be really hard today, especially being so hugely triggered right now. All I can think of is, "i need to lose weight, i need to lose weight", I cannot face the food, not with her, not with this feeling of not being good enough.

I'm Staying!

It feels like something has shifted within me. Some clarity has been shown to me and I have come to a decision. I am going to stay until my original discharge date of October 8th. A full 3 weeks. I know I will not be anywhere near 'recovered' at that point but the focus of this program is acute treatment for medically compromised people with the goal being medical stability (not much focus on psychological aspect of treatment). In the grand scheme of things, 3 weeks is not that long (that's what I keep telling myself, lol). A couple things happened to brought me to my decision:

1) During one of our post-meal groups we played Taboo. It was awesome and everyone had so much fun. At one point we all burst into laughter at something silly and at that same moment I felt something I haven't really felt before: I felt accepted. It took me by surprise to find tears in my eyes. I feel like I am "part of something", as cheesy as that sounds. The girls in here "get" me and the staff is so supportive even if they do things that make you mad a lot of the time.

2) A co-worker came by to visit. I was horrified at first because of the big sign outside the ward that says "Eating Disorders Unit". When I went on leave from work I didn't tell them why I was going - only that it was for medical reasons. I thought she would be shocked or surprised but she wasn't. She told me that people are more perceptive than we think and everyone kind of figured out the reason for my medical leave but everyone is wishing me well and there is no judgment on their part, just genuine concern. She brought a HUGE gift basket filled with books, body lotions and gels, a hand-embroidered pillow that says "get well soon, we miss you", slippers, a necklace and more stuff. The encouragement and love shown to me from my co-workers was so touching. They want so much for me to recover.

I will stick it out. I will take the risk and face the fears and demons in me. I owe it to myself, to Zach and to the people who are supporting me to at see this program through all the way. I don't want to regret anything and it would be more likely that I would regret LEAVING than I would regret STAYING. I am going to try something different now. Surprise the staff here, surprise myself. I hope I don't feel differently later on but my decision at this moment seems crystal clear.