My parents came to visit me for the first time yesterday. I was extremely anxious about it the whole day before the visit and the morning of the visit. I don't want to interact with anybody from the outside world right now. It sounds so boring, but I really only want to talk to people who understand what it's really like, so I don't have to expend energy on explaining it only to get a superficial, trivial answer. People who don't know the depth and bredth of this disorder and who just want to help often say things like, "why don't you see a nutritionist and try following a meal plan?". Yes, I agree that would be helpful and I'm doing that, but there is so much more to all of this. To even BEGIN to explain it is a daunting task. So I only choose to go into detail with people who will truly be impactful in my life. For the others, I just smile, nod, and say thank you.
I was afraid the visit would involve fighting over some insignificant issue as is usually the case. But it was a really good visit. We stayed neutral and respectful of each other. Bonus: She snuck in 2 boxes of CRYSTAL LITE! My mom is hilarious. She brings me gum, crystal lite and other contraband.
Victory: I completed 1 grain (1 pc. ww toast) without replacing it at dinner last night. The volume of Boost I am needing to replace at my meals is decreasing.
Struggle: I cannot mentally focus enough to read. I haven't read a novel in >2 years. It puts me to sleep, no matter how interesting the topic. I need to 'relearn' how to read.
Goals: One of our goals was to think of our longterm or "bigger picture" goals. Then to drill down slowly to medium term, short term and immediate goals. Then to make the connection how the short term ones connect to the longterm and lifelong goals, so TODAY you might have to do something you don't want to do (ie. eat meal plan) in order to fulfill the overarching goals. This logic brought me a little more focus to my life. I want to move forward, but I need to undertake the challenge that is right in front of my face before I can tackle the bigger challenge. Starting with the little things.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tension Rising
The tension in here is rising, especially around mealtimes. That nice, comfortable setting I talked about before, well that's rapidly being eroded.
I am triggering to people. I have been told this directly. Why?
1) I eat too slowly
2) My bite sizes are too small
3) I push food around my plate
4) I replace at every meal
5) I use a teaspoon to eat instead of a regular sized spoon.
6) I break my crackers into little bits
Mind you, the meal support person has not called me out on a single thing and I'm sitting right beside her. I'm not trying to disobey the rules here, maybe I'm just not 100% conscious of what I'm doing to be triggering. Everyone does furtive, eD shit here. I'm not the only one. So why do I feel like I'm being singled out?
I have also been told that one girl here does not like me and I should stay away from her. This came as a complete shock to me - I have barely had any interaction with this person - definitely no negative interactions that I know of, so how could she possibly dislike me? The person who told me said she doesn't know exactly why I'm disliked, but she knows for sure that this is the case. I'm taken aback... It bothers me. It shouldn't... I shouldn't care who likes or doesn't like me because I'm supposedly in here for ME but it still gets to me. ESPECIALLY since she doesn't know me at all and doesn't have any grounds for not liking me. Literally less that 5 mins of conversation have happened between us.
In such a confined space with only 8 girls I wish everyone could just get along.
I am triggering to people. I have been told this directly. Why?
1) I eat too slowly
2) My bite sizes are too small
3) I push food around my plate
4) I replace at every meal
5) I use a teaspoon to eat instead of a regular sized spoon.
6) I break my crackers into little bits
Mind you, the meal support person has not called me out on a single thing and I'm sitting right beside her. I'm not trying to disobey the rules here, maybe I'm just not 100% conscious of what I'm doing to be triggering. Everyone does furtive, eD shit here. I'm not the only one. So why do I feel like I'm being singled out?
I have also been told that one girl here does not like me and I should stay away from her. This came as a complete shock to me - I have barely had any interaction with this person - definitely no negative interactions that I know of, so how could she possibly dislike me? The person who told me said she doesn't know exactly why I'm disliked, but she knows for sure that this is the case. I'm taken aback... It bothers me. It shouldn't... I shouldn't care who likes or doesn't like me because I'm supposedly in here for ME but it still gets to me. ESPECIALLY since she doesn't know me at all and doesn't have any grounds for not liking me. Literally less that 5 mins of conversation have happened between us.
In such a confined space with only 8 girls I wish everyone could just get along.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Doing OK
This admission has been the best one so far. I'm really seeing this time all the benefits I can get from being here - besides the obvious one of medical stabilization and meal plan adherence - I see that I can get a lot of support around family therapy, occupational therapy, dealing with triggers and practical plans to help me stop the black and white thinking when i get out... ie. one slip doesn't mean that ALL is lost.
I think of it like a string of beads. When the string gets cut, all the beads fall to the floor. But if you put a little knot between each bead, then when the string snaps, they don't all come tumbling off because each one is held in place. It has felt like in the past, one slip = the end of any progress I had made. My goal this time is to put knots between the beads in recovery.
The other gals in here right now are a really nice mix of people. I know a couple from previous admissions and it's just a comfortable atmosphere... as comfortable as it can be given the circumstances I guess. I'm struggling with feeling sooo full after every meal and drinking 1.5 cups of Boost PLUS (ie. 360 calories for a 250 mL serving). The grossest part is that the Boost is at room temperature now - they don't refrigerate it because they don't have a fridge for it since they can't keep it with the meds in the med fridge. I didn't think Boost could possibly get any worse.... until now that I'm drinking it warm.
I'm sorta facing a bit of a dilemma right now - I got a call saying that I am shortlisted for an interview for a job I applied for before coming into the hospital. They want to schedule the interview for next week, but I will still be in the hospital! This is a job that I REALLY want and there I would not give up the opportunity to go to this interview if my life depended on it... so I have to either get a day-long pass to go to the interview or ask for early discharge. And I have to somehow plan for the interview and do a bunch of practice questions. I want this so badly. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but I truly cannot remember the last time I have wanted something so much.
I think of it like a string of beads. When the string gets cut, all the beads fall to the floor. But if you put a little knot between each bead, then when the string snaps, they don't all come tumbling off because each one is held in place. It has felt like in the past, one slip = the end of any progress I had made. My goal this time is to put knots between the beads in recovery.
The other gals in here right now are a really nice mix of people. I know a couple from previous admissions and it's just a comfortable atmosphere... as comfortable as it can be given the circumstances I guess. I'm struggling with feeling sooo full after every meal and drinking 1.5 cups of Boost PLUS (ie. 360 calories for a 250 mL serving). The grossest part is that the Boost is at room temperature now - they don't refrigerate it because they don't have a fridge for it since they can't keep it with the meds in the med fridge. I didn't think Boost could possibly get any worse.... until now that I'm drinking it warm.
I'm sorta facing a bit of a dilemma right now - I got a call saying that I am shortlisted for an interview for a job I applied for before coming into the hospital. They want to schedule the interview for next week, but I will still be in the hospital! This is a job that I REALLY want and there I would not give up the opportunity to go to this interview if my life depended on it... so I have to either get a day-long pass to go to the interview or ask for early discharge. And I have to somehow plan for the interview and do a bunch of practice questions. I want this so badly. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but I truly cannot remember the last time I have wanted something so much.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I'm ready
Some part of me is actually looking forward to being admitted tomorrow. I will finally be saved from myself. I will finally be stopped in my tracks. I feel a strange sense of calm that I have never felt before going in. I guess I'm ready for someone else to take control for a while and to stop the chaos.
I'm leaving the house in 20 mins... wish me luck!
I'm leaving the house in 20 mins... wish me luck!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
the "Fuck it" mentality
I find that the days leading up to IP are always the most chaotic ones. I get into this "fuck it" mentality and then it's no holds barred, barrelling straight down the path to self-destruction. I have been doing nothing but binging and purging the entire weekend. Interspersed with handfuls of laxatives and diuretics.
I know I'm doing some dangerous shit... but in a way I'm toeing the line, seeing just how far I can push it because no matter what, I know that in 2 days I will be in the hospital which is a 100% controlled environment. Game over. They'll make me stop all the behaviors and they'll make me eat. Why should I even TRY right now. In 2 days it won't be a choice anymore. It is really like watching someone who is not me in a horror movie. I see them running around like a hamster on a crazy wheel, doing all this stuff and not giving a shit about living or dying.
part of me also thinks, why do all this ED stuff when you will have to get fat in a couple days anyway? Why not just TRY to eat normally for the next couple days. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I'm still sooo scared that I won't be "sick enough" to be there. It's so fucked up that THIS is my main concern. They'll think I'm an imposter. I'm so filled with guilt that I will be taking one of the only 7 beds in the province. ME? I don't get it... (I know I sound like a broken record, but the same thing keeps playing over and over in my brain).
I know I'm doing some dangerous shit... but in a way I'm toeing the line, seeing just how far I can push it because no matter what, I know that in 2 days I will be in the hospital which is a 100% controlled environment. Game over. They'll make me stop all the behaviors and they'll make me eat. Why should I even TRY right now. In 2 days it won't be a choice anymore. It is really like watching someone who is not me in a horror movie. I see them running around like a hamster on a crazy wheel, doing all this stuff and not giving a shit about living or dying.
part of me also thinks, why do all this ED stuff when you will have to get fat in a couple days anyway? Why not just TRY to eat normally for the next couple days. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I'm still sooo scared that I won't be "sick enough" to be there. It's so fucked up that THIS is my main concern. They'll think I'm an imposter. I'm so filled with guilt that I will be taking one of the only 7 beds in the province. ME? I don't get it... (I know I sound like a broken record, but the same thing keeps playing over and over in my brain).
Friday, January 28, 2011
Preparing for IP in 4 days
I'm trying to make peace with going into the hospital in 4 days. This weekend I have lists and lists of stuff to do, loose ends to tie up, etc. I'm reminding myself to trust the people who supposedly know what they are doing, to make decisions for me and to follow without putting up too much of a fight.
This time around I'm going to try not to let the little things bug me, like the power struggles between patients and staff over whether or not you can doodle in your notebook during group, blah blah blah.
The dietician phoned yesterday to pick my menus. I amazed myself at how much of the menu I can remember from the last time (5 months ago). My meal plan will be small to start - 1 item from each group at each meal + 3 snacks/day. For my protein food I picked cottage cheese each and every meal. Oh, and also for evening snack which can't be a fruit/veggie. I guess I will be eating a LOT of cottage cheese, since nothing else on the menu sounds doable right now.
Last time I didn't complete any of my meals - I replaced with Boost at every single meal :( - so that is one of my goals this time around - to finish at least one meal. The mental barrier for me is seeing the empty plate and feeling like a pig for having finished everything on the plate. Boost also feels safer because it's not like a chunk of food sitting like a brick inside you. At least it's a liquid and seems easier to digest. My mind is warped - I know that by drinking the Boost you end up consuming more calories than if you just ate the food - but yet I still opt for the Boost because it seems safer.
My workplace is incredibly supportive this time as they were the past 2 times. My supervisor is an amazing lady. I love her. She toes the line between asking questions and being supportive but yet not prying and invading my privacy. I'm pretty open with everyone since it's kinda obvious anyway. I used to hide and pretend but I'm past that point. Nobody has judged me (that I know of anyway) and the overwhelming reaction is caring and concern. A pleasant surprise!
This time around I'm going to try not to let the little things bug me, like the power struggles between patients and staff over whether or not you can doodle in your notebook during group, blah blah blah.
The dietician phoned yesterday to pick my menus. I amazed myself at how much of the menu I can remember from the last time (5 months ago). My meal plan will be small to start - 1 item from each group at each meal + 3 snacks/day. For my protein food I picked cottage cheese each and every meal. Oh, and also for evening snack which can't be a fruit/veggie. I guess I will be eating a LOT of cottage cheese, since nothing else on the menu sounds doable right now.
Last time I didn't complete any of my meals - I replaced with Boost at every single meal :( - so that is one of my goals this time around - to finish at least one meal. The mental barrier for me is seeing the empty plate and feeling like a pig for having finished everything on the plate. Boost also feels safer because it's not like a chunk of food sitting like a brick inside you. At least it's a liquid and seems easier to digest. My mind is warped - I know that by drinking the Boost you end up consuming more calories than if you just ate the food - but yet I still opt for the Boost because it seems safer.
My workplace is incredibly supportive this time as they were the past 2 times. My supervisor is an amazing lady. I love her. She toes the line between asking questions and being supportive but yet not prying and invading my privacy. I'm pretty open with everyone since it's kinda obvious anyway. I used to hide and pretend but I'm past that point. Nobody has judged me (that I know of anyway) and the overwhelming reaction is caring and concern. A pleasant surprise!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
GP visit
My appointment yesterday with my GP didn't go so great. He's a really soft-spoken, gentle, infinitely patient person. He usually lets me get away with anything. Yesterday was the most firm I have ever heard him.
I'm trying hard to believe that he is telling the truth when he says, you could die at any moment. Your body can only take so much.
My body is strong. I'm a fighter. I've managed to teeter at the edge for so long... I still go to work every day, look after a very active 3 yr old, manage NOT to die. But he's afraid I'm nearing the edge and when I do fall, it'll be fast and hard. I wish I could just believe him instead of thinking - this is a load of overdramatized crap.
It's always hard to hear, "your brain is not working properly. each week I see you, your cognitive ability is more impaired." It's like hearing someone say you're stupid. Maybe I am - stupid stupid stupid.
I'm trying hard to believe that he is telling the truth when he says, you could die at any moment. Your body can only take so much.
My body is strong. I'm a fighter. I've managed to teeter at the edge for so long... I still go to work every day, look after a very active 3 yr old, manage NOT to die. But he's afraid I'm nearing the edge and when I do fall, it'll be fast and hard. I wish I could just believe him instead of thinking - this is a load of overdramatized crap.
It's always hard to hear, "your brain is not working properly. each week I see you, your cognitive ability is more impaired." It's like hearing someone say you're stupid. Maybe I am - stupid stupid stupid.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
just 1 day...
All i want is one day. one single day where I do not purge. One single day where my focus is on something beyond weight/shape/size. but is that day possible? i sometimes question myself and my "real" wants. if i truly wanted to go 1 day p-free, i would be able to do it right? where there is a will there is away... yadda yaddda yadda. so i must not REALLY want it...
but every time i'm at that point just before the purge, i SWEAR it will be my last time. I promise myself I will not put myself in this position again, and time after time, i break that promise. I truly do not know how to quit this bullshit.
where there is a will there is not always a way. not a way that i can see within myself. i guess i'm not strong enough... i guess that's where the hospital steps in and takes over. stupid me, always needing to rely on external supports to get anywhere. it feels like they are doing the work FOR me. and then i feel like a failure.
but every time i'm at that point just before the purge, i SWEAR it will be my last time. I promise myself I will not put myself in this position again, and time after time, i break that promise. I truly do not know how to quit this bullshit.
where there is a will there is not always a way. not a way that i can see within myself. i guess i'm not strong enough... i guess that's where the hospital steps in and takes over. stupid me, always needing to rely on external supports to get anywhere. it feels like they are doing the work FOR me. and then i feel like a failure.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Small Success
Just a quick update to say I'm still here...
I've started down a path that I never thought I would: Laxatives.
I've gotten to the point that I'm so desperate to stop b/p but yet I cannot seem to deal with the extra water my body is hanging onto. I feel it in my fingers, toes, ankles - I know it's water because it's impossible to gain 5lbs of real weight overnight - but even knowing that it's only water does not help. The number is the number and that number rules my life. A handful of laxatives... seems to help... but it's a slippery slope and just one more way to destroy myself I suppose. One more thing to get addicted to and one more bad habit to have to break. Maybe recovery is just jumping from bad behavior to bad behavior... maybe that's the best I can hope for...
One small success to report: Being home alone is always a huge temptation and trigger for me to b/p, just because i CAN. Driving home from work yesterday, my son was spending the night at his dad's and my parents wouldn't be home for a couple hours. Driving home from work last night I was so tempted to b/p... I actually stopped outside Little Caesar's and parked the car, then somehow managed to talk myself out of it. I literally sat outside for 10 minutes, going back and forth in my head, should I, shouldn't I? Then started the car and drove away. I wish I could say that I didn't b/p at all, but I did when I got home, I just managed to *delay* it and by not buying the pizza. :)
I've started down a path that I never thought I would: Laxatives.
I've gotten to the point that I'm so desperate to stop b/p but yet I cannot seem to deal with the extra water my body is hanging onto. I feel it in my fingers, toes, ankles - I know it's water because it's impossible to gain 5lbs of real weight overnight - but even knowing that it's only water does not help. The number is the number and that number rules my life. A handful of laxatives... seems to help... but it's a slippery slope and just one more way to destroy myself I suppose. One more thing to get addicted to and one more bad habit to have to break. Maybe recovery is just jumping from bad behavior to bad behavior... maybe that's the best I can hope for...
One small success to report: Being home alone is always a huge temptation and trigger for me to b/p, just because i CAN. Driving home from work yesterday, my son was spending the night at his dad's and my parents wouldn't be home for a couple hours. Driving home from work last night I was so tempted to b/p... I actually stopped outside Little Caesar's and parked the car, then somehow managed to talk myself out of it. I literally sat outside for 10 minutes, going back and forth in my head, should I, shouldn't I? Then started the car and drove away. I wish I could say that I didn't b/p at all, but I did when I got home, I just managed to *delay* it and by not buying the pizza. :)
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