Today is a fat day. I look at myself in disgust. How can others who are normal sized or bigger be happy. They look so content and they allow themselves to be happy even at a normal weight. This kind of thinking is so foreign to me. I wonder what it is like not to hinge your entire existence on weight.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Monday, July 19, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Social Anxiety
I wonder if social situations make me anxious because of the ED or if I would be nervous regardless of ED. I wonder if I hide behind this disorder to avoid being in these situations. I used to be able to fake it, nobody could tell that I was uncomfortable because I hid behind the alcohol at social gatherings. I counted on everyone else getting drunk and therefore their vision/perception/memory being blurred. I also used my cheap-drunkenness to dull my jittery nerves.
I have not had alcohol for almost 4 years now. My son is 3 1/2. I (obviously) didn't drink when I was pregnant and then even after having him I didn't drink much. They I started down the weight loss path and ever since then I have been terrified of liquid calories, including alcohol calories. I wish I were normal enough to still be able to rationalize in my head keeping down the 67 cals in a shot of rum or vodka. Not letting it freak me out. Then I could calm my nerves and maybe even enjoy myself.
It's my best friend's birthday celebration tomorrow. Dinner & Drinks at a bar. I have been trying to psych myself up into going. I know I have to go out of obligation and I want to go too. I want to enjoy myself but it's 24 hours before the celebration and I *already* feel the apprehension of dealing with people, smiling on the outside when all I want to do is curl into a ball in my bed. I feel like such a loser.
I know that some people who are going tomorrow are going to be curious about me, about the hospital, about what I look like in person now since it's been a few years since I've seen them (outside of Facebook). A lot of this is probably in my head, but I also feel like a bug under a microscope. Will I measure up? Will I be thin enough? healthy enough? acceptable?
I have not had alcohol for almost 4 years now. My son is 3 1/2. I (obviously) didn't drink when I was pregnant and then even after having him I didn't drink much. They I started down the weight loss path and ever since then I have been terrified of liquid calories, including alcohol calories. I wish I were normal enough to still be able to rationalize in my head keeping down the 67 cals in a shot of rum or vodka. Not letting it freak me out. Then I could calm my nerves and maybe even enjoy myself.
It's my best friend's birthday celebration tomorrow. Dinner & Drinks at a bar. I have been trying to psych myself up into going. I know I have to go out of obligation and I want to go too. I want to enjoy myself but it's 24 hours before the celebration and I *already* feel the apprehension of dealing with people, smiling on the outside when all I want to do is curl into a ball in my bed. I feel like such a loser.
I know that some people who are going tomorrow are going to be curious about me, about the hospital, about what I look like in person now since it's been a few years since I've seen them (outside of Facebook). A lot of this is probably in my head, but I also feel like a bug under a microscope. Will I measure up? Will I be thin enough? healthy enough? acceptable?
Friday, July 9, 2010
Say no to sin
I feel extremely panicky, misunderstood, pushed to the edge. I feel like I'm flailing about, trying to anchor myself to something. My T is not working today, I don't talk to friends about stuff like this, I wish I were a stronger person who could kill herself. I'm not 'gutsy' enough to follow through on it but I often wish I were. I have nowhere to go, not even in my head, there is no peace for me.
I hate my mother. It sounds harsh and terrible but she is the single biggest barrier to recovery in my life. She frustrates me more than anyone else in the entire world and I have never felt so strongly negative about anyone as I feel towards her.
I have been trying to take some steps forward with not purging. Yesterday I slipped. I only purged 2x this week. ONLY 2 times. Isn't that fantastic? Shouldn't that be something to be applauded? I fucking think so. Instead, my mom decided to call me at work and focus on the one slip last night and how she doesn't want to see that happen EVER. Like I should just be able to stop because she's dealt with this for enough years now. I tried to stay calm and tell her, yes I slipped but look at how much I've improved in huge leaps and bounds -
I've tried the alcoholisim/drug analogy to explain that you can't snap your fingers and get better just like that. But she says, celebrities go into rehab and come out a few months later and put all that behind them. WHY CAN'T YOU do the same?
In her eyes it's so more OK for me to just starve than to purge because purging is grosser. She doesn't understand that they're the same thing = coping mechanisms. She started quoting her pastor, "This is just a temptation, use your will power to turn away from sin. It's a choice." I'm sorry to anyone who is religious but that is a fucking load of bullshit. "Say no to sin". If I weren't so overwhelmed and frustrated right now I would find this funny. If it were a choice and if it were as simple as that, there wouldn't be a need for IP or Treatment Centres or any of that stuff.
She also said, "didn't you have a good day yesterday? Why would you go and purge when you had a good day yesterday?" As if it were that simple. The tightness in my chest is creeping up on me and I want to cry but I can't. I've disconnected from my feelings. They lie beneath the surface, sinister and damaging, but I can't release them. I can't even get peace through the catharsis of tears. My body won't let me cry although my mind wants to. I need somebody to talk to, I need someone to understand. I wish my mom could understand and not judge the way she does. It hurts more than I can explain.
I hate my mother. It sounds harsh and terrible but she is the single biggest barrier to recovery in my life. She frustrates me more than anyone else in the entire world and I have never felt so strongly negative about anyone as I feel towards her.
I have been trying to take some steps forward with not purging. Yesterday I slipped. I only purged 2x this week. ONLY 2 times. Isn't that fantastic? Shouldn't that be something to be applauded? I fucking think so. Instead, my mom decided to call me at work and focus on the one slip last night and how she doesn't want to see that happen EVER. Like I should just be able to stop because she's dealt with this for enough years now. I tried to stay calm and tell her, yes I slipped but look at how much I've improved in huge leaps and bounds -
I've tried the alcoholisim/drug analogy to explain that you can't snap your fingers and get better just like that. But she says, celebrities go into rehab and come out a few months later and put all that behind them. WHY CAN'T YOU do the same?
In her eyes it's so more OK for me to just starve than to purge because purging is grosser. She doesn't understand that they're the same thing = coping mechanisms. She started quoting her pastor, "This is just a temptation, use your will power to turn away from sin. It's a choice." I'm sorry to anyone who is religious but that is a fucking load of bullshit. "Say no to sin". If I weren't so overwhelmed and frustrated right now I would find this funny. If it were a choice and if it were as simple as that, there wouldn't be a need for IP or Treatment Centres or any of that stuff.
She also said, "didn't you have a good day yesterday? Why would you go and purge when you had a good day yesterday?" As if it were that simple. The tightness in my chest is creeping up on me and I want to cry but I can't. I've disconnected from my feelings. They lie beneath the surface, sinister and damaging, but I can't release them. I can't even get peace through the catharsis of tears. My body won't let me cry although my mind wants to. I need somebody to talk to, I need someone to understand. I wish my mom could understand and not judge the way she does. It hurts more than I can explain.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Not a good day
Today has been really tough. I don't know why.
I couldn't bring myself to eat anything before 1pm when finally I had some clear broth. Then the feeling of fullness triggered me to purging. After that I was weak/shaky/drained so I took a nap until 5pm.
I lay in bed for 1 hour trying to sort things out in my head. Eat, don't eat, what to eat, if I eat I might feel full again and then purge then that would be worse than not eating in the first place. I had such a hard time getting out of bed, I just wanted to lay there and never leave.
Finally the logical, practical Tia won over and I went downstairs to steam some broccoli for dinner. The whole time, the battle raged on - "it's not too late, you can still forgo dinner" vs. "you need to eat something because that's what people do. eat."
I ate the broccoli. Then promptly freaked out and purged. Now I'm back at square one. Maybe I should just go to bed, try again tomorrow.
I couldn't bring myself to eat anything before 1pm when finally I had some clear broth. Then the feeling of fullness triggered me to purging. After that I was weak/shaky/drained so I took a nap until 5pm.
I lay in bed for 1 hour trying to sort things out in my head. Eat, don't eat, what to eat, if I eat I might feel full again and then purge then that would be worse than not eating in the first place. I had such a hard time getting out of bed, I just wanted to lay there and never leave.
Finally the logical, practical Tia won over and I went downstairs to steam some broccoli for dinner. The whole time, the battle raged on - "it's not too late, you can still forgo dinner" vs. "you need to eat something because that's what people do. eat."
I ate the broccoli. Then promptly freaked out and purged. Now I'm back at square one. Maybe I should just go to bed, try again tomorrow.
Wanting to move out
Right now I'm contemplating buying a condo. I moved back home after my ex and I split up and have been living there ever since (2 years ago). I'm hoping to move out soon. It's not that things are bad for the most part... it's just every day I stay at home, I feel like I lose a little bit more of myself.
I always want 2 opposite things equally strongly and at the very same time -
*I want to be taken care of and abdicated of responsibility (therefore I stay sick) but then I don't want independence and not to be treated like a child (I push people away when I feel that they are trying to control me)/
*I want to go into IP but my ED doesn't want me to go into IP, keeps telling me I don't deserve it.
*I want to be successful, to use my accounting designation to be "someone" and to make something of my life... but then again I also want to drive myself down the road of thinness to see just how low it goes... hence giving up all chances of a 'real' life and future
*I want to get married and to take on that home maker, soccer-mom kind of role, but the thought of being close to anyone - especially in a romantic, intimate kind of way - makes me literally sick.
These things and others that I can't think of right now function to keep me stuck in a rut. Vibrating back and forth between the opposite poles yet moving nowhere. I need something to shock my system in order to get out of the rut. Maybe I just need to be more fucking decisive.
I always want 2 opposite things equally strongly and at the very same time -
*I want to be taken care of and abdicated of responsibility (therefore I stay sick) but then I don't want independence and not to be treated like a child (I push people away when I feel that they are trying to control me)/
*I want to go into IP but my ED doesn't want me to go into IP, keeps telling me I don't deserve it.
*I want to be successful, to use my accounting designation to be "someone" and to make something of my life... but then again I also want to drive myself down the road of thinness to see just how low it goes... hence giving up all chances of a 'real' life and future
*I want to get married and to take on that home maker, soccer-mom kind of role, but the thought of being close to anyone - especially in a romantic, intimate kind of way - makes me literally sick.
These things and others that I can't think of right now function to keep me stuck in a rut. Vibrating back and forth between the opposite poles yet moving nowhere. I need something to shock my system in order to get out of the rut. Maybe I just need to be more fucking decisive.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Mid-2010 Update
Half the year is already gone. Only 1/2 of 2010 is left...and it's Canada Day tomorrow! Holidays and unstructured time in general makes me nervous. I don't like all that free time - it just means more time for me to get into trouble by ruminating about things in my head. Especially now without school to occupy my time, things get pretty dark and negative pretty quickly if I'm left with extra mental space.
I get panicky thinking about how much I haven't done, how fast time is going... I just try not thinking about that because it's one of those things that is out of my control. I have been trying really hard to distinguish between the things I can control and the things I can't and not to dwell on those that I can't control because it will drive me nuts.
Today my vision kept going blurry when I was staring at the computer at work. I had such a terrble head ache. The floor kept spinning up at me. Every day it's a battle in my head - my body is saying one thing - screaming at me that I need to feed it more - but my head is screaming that I'm too fat and the number on the scale invalidates me as a person. No matter how many muscle cramps, head spins, dizzy spells, my mind still wins out, convincing me that I'm faking it. This isn't real. It can't be with the fatness on my body...
Fat. I wish the word didn't exist.
I get panicky thinking about how much I haven't done, how fast time is going... I just try not thinking about that because it's one of those things that is out of my control. I have been trying really hard to distinguish between the things I can control and the things I can't and not to dwell on those that I can't control because it will drive me nuts.
Today my vision kept going blurry when I was staring at the computer at work. I had such a terrble head ache. The floor kept spinning up at me. Every day it's a battle in my head - my body is saying one thing - screaming at me that I need to feed it more - but my head is screaming that I'm too fat and the number on the scale invalidates me as a person. No matter how many muscle cramps, head spins, dizzy spells, my mind still wins out, convincing me that I'm faking it. This isn't real. It can't be with the fatness on my body...
Fat. I wish the word didn't exist.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Blackberry Girl
I have joined the Blackberry Army, lol.
As a present for myself for
1) finishing school
2) being p-free for 2 weeks
I got a new Bold 9700 in white. I love it! So anybody wanna BBM me? :)
On the eating side, I managed to postpone IP until after my accounting final exam so I think I will be going in early July. However, at this time I really think I'm doing better than I have in over a year. I'm not purging anymore - 2 weeks - yes I said that already but I'm just so thrilled! Edema is gone and now I know my "real" weight since I'm not in a constant state of dehydrating myself from purging.
I have lost a few pounds but at this point I think it's innocent and just because I got rid of the edema water. I'm not too worried about it but tx team gets freaked out about any weight loss at all. I'm looking forward to the summer and playing with my new BB! I don't want to lose 1/2 my summer being stuck in the prison walls of the hospital.
But now I'm off to play with my new phone :)
As a present for myself for
1) finishing school
2) being p-free for 2 weeks
I got a new Bold 9700 in white. I love it! So anybody wanna BBM me? :)
On the eating side, I managed to postpone IP until after my accounting final exam so I think I will be going in early July. However, at this time I really think I'm doing better than I have in over a year. I'm not purging anymore - 2 weeks - yes I said that already but I'm just so thrilled! Edema is gone and now I know my "real" weight since I'm not in a constant state of dehydrating myself from purging.
I have lost a few pounds but at this point I think it's innocent and just because I got rid of the edema water. I'm not too worried about it but tx team gets freaked out about any weight loss at all. I'm looking forward to the summer and playing with my new BB! I don't want to lose 1/2 my summer being stuck in the prison walls of the hospital.
But now I'm off to play with my new phone :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The exam is over! I'm almost a CMA!
This is it: our CMA board report "exam" was over on Saturday, Jun 12!!! I am done with school now (unless I pursue an MBA... which I'm kind of leaning towards doing, maybe just because I'm afraid NOT to be in school).
The board report was a presentation, kind of like a thesis defense. This date has been etched into my mind for the past few months. We either fail as a group or pass as a group. I think this is a major flaw of the CMA program – you could potentially have a weak group member get a free ride to getting their designation. There should be some way of evaluating other group members and having that count for something, even 10%. It would make everyone accountable and give more of a push towards equal contribution. If I were to rate our group though, I would say everyone contributed pretty equally.
Our presentation was scheduled for 11:45 on Saturday. I wasn't nervous this morning or on the bus but the moment I arrived I started getting really jittery. One of my group members commented that you could see the nervousness on my face. We all decided not to practice this morning so we wouldn't get flustered. Another of classmantes eased my nervousness by saying, "You're a good presenter, you'll have no problem". Which meant a lot to me from him since he's a great talker.
Overall, I am really happy with how it went. I think we crossed all our T's, dotted all of our I's. Now all that's left is to wait for the marks to come out in August, then I will be a full-fledged accountant! I'm floating on a cloud right now.
Now I just need to find another reason to not go into complete restriction mode with eating. Before the exam I kept telling myself, "you need to eat to stay focused, to get throug the exam" but now that it's over... i don't really have any real reason to keep eating better... especially with IP looming in the near future where I will have to follow a meal plan anyway.
The board report was a presentation, kind of like a thesis defense. This date has been etched into my mind for the past few months. We either fail as a group or pass as a group. I think this is a major flaw of the CMA program – you could potentially have a weak group member get a free ride to getting their designation. There should be some way of evaluating other group members and having that count for something, even 10%. It would make everyone accountable and give more of a push towards equal contribution. If I were to rate our group though, I would say everyone contributed pretty equally.
Our presentation was scheduled for 11:45 on Saturday. I wasn't nervous this morning or on the bus but the moment I arrived I started getting really jittery. One of my group members commented that you could see the nervousness on my face. We all decided not to practice this morning so we wouldn't get flustered. Another of classmantes eased my nervousness by saying, "You're a good presenter, you'll have no problem". Which meant a lot to me from him since he's a great talker.
Overall, I am really happy with how it went. I think we crossed all our T's, dotted all of our I's. Now all that's left is to wait for the marks to come out in August, then I will be a full-fledged accountant! I'm floating on a cloud right now.
Now I just need to find another reason to not go into complete restriction mode with eating. Before the exam I kept telling myself, "you need to eat to stay focused, to get throug the exam" but now that it's over... i don't really have any real reason to keep eating better... especially with IP looming in the near future where I will have to follow a meal plan anyway.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
IP in 2 weeks
I'm semi-set to go into the hospital in a couple weeks from now. I tried to push it as far back as I could. My birthday is July 21 and I really don't want to be stuck in there over my birthday, but I think the timing would suck no matter WHEN it happens, so... meh.
This time I won't be certified, so I will have a little more say in treatment, whatever that means. I'm terrified that I will be the fattest person there. I'm convinced of it. Here's just another reason why I love my therapist:
I went into my appointment dead set on refusing IP but over the course of our 1 hour session my T said something that opened my eyes and managed to turn my mind around. A life lesson she has learned personally is that when an opportunity presents itself, you should take it and not say "I'll do it later" because "Later" the circumstances might be different and you wouldn't want to look back and regret not doing it X months ago. It kind of goes hand in hand with my decision making question I ask myself: Which option would I regret more? Not going or going? I think the likelihood of me regretting going are slimmer than if I didn't give myself this chance.
I just wish I weren't so fucking fat. I don't want the skinny minny's and nurses to look at me and wonder what such a fat cow is doing in the hospital.
This time I won't be certified, so I will have a little more say in treatment, whatever that means. I'm terrified that I will be the fattest person there. I'm convinced of it. Here's just another reason why I love my therapist:
I went into my appointment dead set on refusing IP but over the course of our 1 hour session my T said something that opened my eyes and managed to turn my mind around. A life lesson she has learned personally is that when an opportunity presents itself, you should take it and not say "I'll do it later" because "Later" the circumstances might be different and you wouldn't want to look back and regret not doing it X months ago. It kind of goes hand in hand with my decision making question I ask myself: Which option would I regret more? Not going or going? I think the likelihood of me regretting going are slimmer than if I didn't give myself this chance.
I just wish I weren't so fucking fat. I don't want the skinny minny's and nurses to look at me and wonder what such a fat cow is doing in the hospital.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A Boost a Day (keeps the doctor away?)
1.5 weeks until my exam.
I've been avoiding all mirrors, finding it hard to get dressed and to leave the house because I feel so terrible. I feel like my whole body jiggles with every step I take, but I'm trying really hard to take a Boost a day like a doctor's prescription, at least until after the exam. There's too much at stake to let the ED take over right now and screw up the exam. I would never forgive myself. Funny thing - the doctor actually wrote me "1 Boost Plus per Day" on a prescription pad to try and cement the idea that it's really like medicine, so not to think of it as calories. Hah.
My train of thought right now is, "Make it through to June 12, pass the exam then you can do whatever you want with your eating." However, my nutritionist challenged me by asking, "what do you REALLY want? When your exam is over do you really want to go back down that path?"
I don't know.
The problem is that I don't remember life pre-ED because the onset of my ED was at age 10. Every part of my life that I remember is entwined with ED memories. I can't look back and pick out the good times without ED because as far as I remember, there are none. Every good memory I have I can still vividly remember the accompanying ED thought... for example... having a great time at Disneyland when I was 11. Along with the memories of Mickey Mouse and the Thunder Mountain Railway roller-coaster I also have memories of the anxiety I felt at Mickey Mouse's breakfast, wondering how much of the mouse-shaped waffle I could eat. How many calories I was burning by walking around the park all day in the scorching heat. Comparing myself to the dancers in the parade and envying their long, skinny bodies.
It would be a HUGE leap of faith for me to leave the ED behind because I don't know what is out there. I have zero frame of reference as to what life could be like. All I know right now is that I feel like a blog but I'm still doing the Boost-a-day. Gaining weight. Trying to not think about gaining weight. Trying to make it OKAY by telling myself I could always reverse all the weight once the exam is over. Oh god... feel so crappy in my body right now... i want this feeling to go away.
I've been avoiding all mirrors, finding it hard to get dressed and to leave the house because I feel so terrible. I feel like my whole body jiggles with every step I take, but I'm trying really hard to take a Boost a day like a doctor's prescription, at least until after the exam. There's too much at stake to let the ED take over right now and screw up the exam. I would never forgive myself. Funny thing - the doctor actually wrote me "1 Boost Plus per Day" on a prescription pad to try and cement the idea that it's really like medicine, so not to think of it as calories. Hah.
My train of thought right now is, "Make it through to June 12, pass the exam then you can do whatever you want with your eating." However, my nutritionist challenged me by asking, "what do you REALLY want? When your exam is over do you really want to go back down that path?"
I don't know.
The problem is that I don't remember life pre-ED because the onset of my ED was at age 10. Every part of my life that I remember is entwined with ED memories. I can't look back and pick out the good times without ED because as far as I remember, there are none. Every good memory I have I can still vividly remember the accompanying ED thought... for example... having a great time at Disneyland when I was 11. Along with the memories of Mickey Mouse and the Thunder Mountain Railway roller-coaster I also have memories of the anxiety I felt at Mickey Mouse's breakfast, wondering how much of the mouse-shaped waffle I could eat. How many calories I was burning by walking around the park all day in the scorching heat. Comparing myself to the dancers in the parade and envying their long, skinny bodies.
It would be a HUGE leap of faith for me to leave the ED behind because I don't know what is out there. I have zero frame of reference as to what life could be like. All I know right now is that I feel like a blog but I'm still doing the Boost-a-day. Gaining weight. Trying to not think about gaining weight. Trying to make it OKAY by telling myself I could always reverse all the weight once the exam is over. Oh god... feel so crappy in my body right now... i want this feeling to go away.
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