Last day of 4th Grade

The last day of school is always a sad one for me. The closing of another chapter. Thinking about time gone by and time that could have been better spent. Firsts and lasts are big for me, so I always take a ton of pictures!
I just saw Z off on the bus to his last day of 4th grade. I can hardly believe next year he will be a 5th grader. I am so grateful and blessed. Looking back at the struggle we fought (immigration and custody) and the many hurdles we have overcome in order to move to the US, it was a nightmare going through all of that. But now we are on the other side. Z is finishing up his 4th year of school here (Grades 1-4). I just got elected as PTA President for next year. There is so much to look forward to. I just wonder if I can stay healthy enough and keep anxiety at bay enough to enjoy it all.

I have a week left at my current job (counting down the days! The environment has been toxic over the last few months and I don't know a single person there who doesn't want to jump ship). Then the week after, I start at my new job as a Controller for a local manufacturing company. It's a great opportunity and I am really excited for the challenge. My healthcare coverage will end at the end of this month as I currently get it through my job. The new job has a 60 day waiting period, so I won't have coverage for July and August. I haven't figured out what to do yet - I can get COBRA but it is really expensive, like $700/mo for just me. I am cramming in as many doctors appointments and dental appointments as I can to get all caught up before the end of the month.

I have the day off today! I am not working ANY Fridays in June which is wonderful! No big plans today - quick work out at the gym, tidy up the house a little, then go pick up Z from school and get frozen yogurt (last day of school tradition). Then we were invited to a company picnic with my new job this evening! I am nervous about meeting everyone before starting work there, but maybe it will make the transition easier when I start since there won't be as many new faces on the first day.

US Citizenship Day!

Today is the day that I have looked forward to since the day we started our immigration journey back in December 2011! My interview at USCIS / Department of Homeland Security was scheduled at 10:15. This field office is a good 100 miles from our house, plus through rush hour traffic... we left at 7 AM and got there just a little early (9:45 but they wouldn't let me check in til exactly 15 mins before the interview). My husband, son, mom and dad came with me. Sitting in the waiting room was torture. So many people around, anxiety was building and it took all my strength to hold it together. The last thing I wanted was to pass out just before the interview lol. I even ate a granola bar to keep my blood sugar up even though I usually never allow myself to eat anything until after 1pm.

Ugh... they ran late so they only called me at saw me at 10:45. The whole interview only took 30 mins. A really nice Immigration Officer J. Bruce interviewed me. He was friendly and we joked around a little.  He went over every page of my application and asked me to answer pretty much all the questions orally to check my answers against the form. He checked my travel dates outside of the US (you have to have been in the US for more than 50% over the last 3 years). Asked to see passport, DL and green card but none of the other docs I brought. I ACED THE US HISTORY / CIVICS TEST!!! It was my personal goal to get all the questions right. You only need 6 out of 10 correct though. After I passed everything he checked the box on the form that says I am approved for citizenship! The last step left was to go through the oath ceremony (you aren't a citizen yet until you go through that ceremony). I was so glad that they had a same day ceremony at 3:30 so I didn't have to drive down to Seattle again.

The ceremony was 3:30 to 5. It was short and sweet and very well put together. There were 74 immigrants from 37 different countries represented today. They told us that they going to call each country's name and when your country is called, you stand up and remain standing until all the countries are called and everyone is standing. At that point, they would lead us in saying the oath together and then when we sit down again we will all be US Citizens. There were only 2 of us from Canada there today.

I had to turn in my green card before the ceremony as I wouldn't be needing it anymore as a citizen. It was bittersweet surrendering this card. I thought back to the long road we have traveled and the many hoops we jumped through along the way. Back then, 4 years ago when we started this immigration process, the idea of Citizenship was so far away but in reality the time has flown and the day has come to trade this cherished piece of plastic in for something much more permanent!

Finally my journey has come to an end! My wonderful husband got me this gorgeous watch - Rolex 31mm Datejust with Jubilee Bracelet - to celebrate this special day. I love it - a timeless watch for a forever meaningful event.

4 days p-free

It's nice to have gotten through the first week back to school / work after the holidays. The adjustment back to routines - waking up early, sending Z to school, going to work, rushing home and to the next activity (soccer, bball, Awana, etc), homework and bedtime. The days are going by so quickly already in 2016 and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Happy they are not dragging but sad that I don't feel I have a purpose. It's just getting through one day after another.

One pretty big accomplishment so far this year is that I have not purged for the last 4 days. The hardest part about not purging is dealing with the rebound water retention that ALWAYS happens the few days after you stop purging. The body hangs on to water and my weight spikes up a few pounds and takes a few days to return to normal. During that time, it is so hard to wait it out because the number on the scale haunts you throughout the day and you know you can dehydrate yourself again to lower that number by just throwing up. It is such a mind fuck, but now after 4 days I've made it through the toughest part. Now I just have to not screw it up or I will have to go through this all over again.

If I could unlearn ONE thing in my life it would be how to make myself throw up. When I first started down the ED path 16 years ago, I purely restricted and that was so much better. Purer. I didn't know how to purge. I was young and too scared to really try it. Then after starving yourself for years, it seems that the body inevitably craves food to the point that you cave in and you binge... then out of desperation to get rid of it, you somehow bring it all back up. Purging was never easy for me in the beginning. My body hated it and rebelled. I remember the pride I used to feel the first few times I actually threw up. It was such an accomplishment, like this AMAZING skill that I learned.

Now I wish I could unlearn it. Now it is too easy. Now it is too normal. So normal that it is hard not to just do it all the time after every meal, large or small. I suppose that is my new year's resolution - do not purge.

Email from my old T

It has been an incredibly hard past few days. My former therapist who I saw from age 15 to 26 emailed me just before Christmas. She saw an old Christmas card I gave her and wanted to say hi to me and see how things are going. Hearing from her brought up all kinds of emotions. Happy that she remembered me, but then the intense sadness hit me.

As I am slowly (or not so slowly) slipping down the ED path again, she's been on my mind a lot even before she contacted me. I still hear her voice, picture what she would be saying to me if I were still seeing her. I want so much to see her again but it is just impossible. I live in the US now. She is in Canada. It hurts like hell to know that there's no going back. She knew me like no one else. She basically saw me grow from a teenager to an adult and was there through it all. I didn't have to explain things... she just "knew" them because she knew me so well. It's a HUGE loss to say goodbye to that. How can I ever replace her with a new therapist after all I've been through with her.

It feels like that door is slammed shut and I'm out in the cold. Literally, in a new country, new city, no support systems at all and no ties to my old supports. No accountability. I could keep starving, keep purging, nobody would know. Nobody would say anything or try to stop me here and that is scary because I can't be trusted to stop myself.

What I regret the most about therapy is that I was SO STUPID when I made the choice to abruptly stop seeing her in 2010. I had gained some weight after 2 mandatory hospitalizations and I felt disgusting and unworthy of seeing her, so I just stopped going. The ED voice told me that she only cared because I was medically unstable, but deep down I knew it wasn't true and that she did care for me. I just couldn't battle the ED thinking enough at that time. I felt fat and unworthy.

I wish I could go back and change that decision. We still had so much work to be done. Maybe if I had put the work in back then I wouldn't be here now, going down the same destructive path and chasing the same thinness god. I kept relapsing the whole 11 years we worked together. Revolving door of treatment and IP. Up and down, up and down, putting the focus on the symptoms and never getting to the TRUE underlying issues, never fixing the real problem. But that's my fault for always defaulting to starving and using the ED to cope rather than facing the pain and allowing her to help me work through it. I was so stupid. I wasted our time together, and now we are out of time entirely. I have lost her and there's no getting her back.

It hurts so much to regret things that you can't change. I feel so alone.

Losing Streak

I don't remember ever losing weight this easily before... In 6 weeks I have lost close to 20 lbs. It doesn't feel like a lot, but when you look at that number - 20 pounds of weight loss - it does seem significant. Unfortunately it has slowed down now and I have been stuck (plus or minus half a pound) for 4 days.

I don't feel tired or weak or cranky. My body is cooperating for once, but I do worry about the urges to purge more frequently now. I did it 2x this week... no binging just purging after eating "too much" or feeling the food weighing me down. I know it is ridiculous to purge Brussel sprouts, but that was one of the times this week. I have GOT TO keep the purging under control. I can't afford to lose potassium and get super sick, I just can't.

K Levels

Over the weekend my BMI dropped below 18.5. I know that is still nowhere near worrisome weight territory, but it is a milestone of sorts for me in my warped mind.
Went for my annual physical on Friday. BP was low, I have orthostatic hypotension (no surprise there), low blood sugar, and potassium was low, vitamin D is low. On the plus side, cholesterol levels are great! I am slightly freaked about the potassium, mostly because of previous experiences with TERRIBLE muscle cramps in my legs that would come on with zero warning. The thing is, I am not purging these days. I did it once 2 weeks ago (no binge, just purged when I felt I ate too much). I haven't been purging, so how is my Potassium low!? I eat lots of mushrooms, broccoli, things that are potassium rich... I do not take laxatives or diuretics either.

Knowing my extensive ED history, she wants me to come in every 2 weeks and to start seeing a therapist. I'm not sure about the biweekly doctor visits, but I do agree seeing a T would be really useful. I am just overwhelmed with the list of therapists she gave me. How do you even start choosing someone from a list of over 10!!!

Down 9

It has been 3 weeks since I started logging everything I eat on www.caloriecount.com. It started at 1500 cals per day but then became 1200, then 1000, now it is closer to 700. Back to weighing myself daily. Down 9 lbs in 3 weeks. It is hard not to feel elated that I can still "do this". My BMI is a hair over 18.5, which means I am still "normal" so nothing to worry about, right?

It is a little scary how quickly old habits can come back hard. And fast. I don't know where I want to take this.

1) I can either lose a little bit more, just hover under the normal weight range but still be relatively healthy.
2) I can keep pushing hard, keep losing and see how much my body can take, but the thing is I do not want to die. I can't die. I have a son who needs me.
3) Or I can stop now, but this option does not appeal to me. I have been too well acquainted with food restriction and semi-starvation for so many years that THIS is what comfort feels like to me. It feels like coming home.

One thing I know for sure is I do NOT want to get into a b/p cycle. That was an awful low in my life and I will do whatever I can to never go back to purging.

A Downward Spiral?

For once in my life I am torn about losing weight. It used to be a no brainer - lose weight any chance you get - but now I am worried that losing 5 lbs could lead to losing 25 and not being able to stop until I'm right back in the revolving door of hospitalizations. It has been 4 years since I was last hospitalized. People say I am so brave, so strong, such an inspiration for being able to recover. I feel like I have been faking it this whole time. A series of rather exciting events took my focus away from being sick, but now that things have settled down, I'm afraid that the default, the only "way" I know to be is eating disordered.

Recovery timeline:
-A month after I got out of the hospital, I met my future husband. Total coincidence, met at a bank while he was working and I was opening an account. We just clicked. Simple as that. The rest is a whirlwind! I knew I couldn't be actively ED'd if I wanted to have a relationship, so I pushed thoughts of food and weight out of my mind and focused on the relationship.

-6 months later we vacationed in NYC, at which point we knew we never wanted to be apart. Then just 3 months after that we got married (12.1.11) so that we could start the immigration process for him to sponsor me to move to the US from Can. We applied to USCIS immediately for a greencard.

-This whole time, I was already in the middle of a custody battle with my ex. Wanting to move to the US and take my son with me added another layer to the court case. I filed an application to the court to relocate on 2.14.12. I knew my ex and his conniving girlfriend would try to paint me as an unfit mother and use my ED struggles against me, so I had no choice but to "recover" if I wanted any hope of winning the case.

-Due to the Canadian Provincial Court being slow and other setbacks, our case only went before a judge in July 2013. The entire time I maintained a healthy weight. I had to, or else everything would be for nothing. I felt trapped in a body I hated but I guess I stuck with, putting the court case about my body image. It was a really long case. 5 full days in front of a judge, plus written submissions afterwards because we ran out of time. Then waiting, waiting, waiting for a decision.

-Aug 2013 - $30k later and months of waiting, we won the court case and moved to the US! I got a great job, my son who was Grade 1 at the time, settled well into school and extra curriculars. I started making friends in my new community and I was scared to screw it up. PLUS, I didn't have healthcare until 2015, so getting sick would have been a major expense and not a good way to start out after fighting so hard to move in the first place.

Fastforward to the present. Life is generally good. I love our house and our three cats. I've been promoted in my job, in line to become the vice-president of the company (long term plan, not sure how long this will take to come to fruition, but the thought is nice). I am volunteering in my son's extracurriculars, have been the registrar for our soccer association for two years. Life is okay, but I have never been "normal" for this length of time before. Ever since my first hospital stay at 10 years old, a life of doctors, nutritionists, blood work, therapy, is all I have known. Being "normal" and therefore invisible, is starting to eat away at me. This might be clichéed but it's the truth - the ED was (is?) my identity and I feel a degree of loss without it. A hole that needs to be filled. I have always been "too thin". Not always dangerously thin, but THIN was my identity. Every day I feel a stronger pull to get back a little of that identity. Despite all I have gained these last few years, I don't feel brave or courageous for recovering. I feel like it was a mask that is slowly peeling off.

N-400 Citizenship Application

I was so happy to log into online banking today and see that my check for $680 to Department of Homeland Security has cleared! I have never been so thrilled to part with money before. This check was the application fee for my US Citizenship Application! June 30 was my eligibility date for filing and I made sure my application was delivered to USCIS on that very day. This 4th of July is hopefully my last one as an "Alien".

People have scars...

"people have scars, in all sorts of unexpected places. like secret road
maps of their personal histories. diagrams of all their old wounds.
most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. but some
of them don't. some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the
cut's long gone, the pain still lingers."
-Grey's Anatomy
I cut yesterday. It felt so soothing. Like a reminder of where I have been and reassurance that I can always go back.