I just realized: I have no interests outside the eating disorder.
I have been logging into Plenty of Fish again out of curiosity (after taking a really long hiatus and avoiding relationships altogether). In my profile I wrote that I love cooking and baking and everything related. A guy messaged me asking me what my other interests are. I started to type my response then stopped because I couldn't think of any. Not a single one that didn't involve food in some way. (ie. reading cookbooks, shopping for cookware, browsing food blogs online, binging/purging or starving myself). At this point it became painfully apparent that I have not a clue who I am beyond an eating disorder.
I still don't know how to reply to the message. I feel like even when I want to reach out and connect with people, I'm stuck behind this wall. They'll think I'm strange when they see how I act around food. When they get to know me they'll all go away. I'm good attracting people but I fear that I'm not good at keeping them around.
It's a tough place to be. I am the same way, though I am slowly getting better and finding other hobbies and passions that I USED to love or even discovering new ones! When the ed is in control SO much - it's hard to see anything outside of the food and weight we tend to focus and become obessed with. The way that I was able to get out of it was to slowly introduce myself to new things. But it took time, as the ed stuff was more enticing and what I would gravitate towards. But try exploring new things one step at a time. Try to think of hobbies that sound fun - and if you try it and then discover that you don't enjoy it - that's fine. Put it down and move on to the next thing. The important thing is to NOT get discouraged, which is so easy to do.
ReplyDeleteI also understand about the whole connecting with people part too because that is something that I STILL struggle with alot. I am afraid to let people in or go hang out with people because I don't want them to see my weird "behaviors" around food or any of that stuff, you know? I want to be NORMAL like they are, but I know I am not - so I end up not taking that risk to get out and get to know people.
I feel like I am rambling, but I hope that something I said can help in any way. Take care and please try to be good to yourself because you deserve it!
Jenn
Figuring out who you are outside of an e.d. can be so hard. I blame the amount of time and energy that the disorder takes. Remember, even though it might seem extremely hard, you do have things that make you "you," even if it takes you awhile to sort them out.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting on my blog since now I know about your blog! I look forward to reading more of your blog entries.