I am in so much physical discomfort every day. My stomach is churning right now and I feel like throwing up even though I have eaten nothing yet today. I can feel the stomach acid burning inside me as the minutes pass ultra-slowly here at work. 1 hour and 45 minutes to go until I can leave.
My head is a mess. I can't even remember things from 2 days ago. Account names and numbers are floating in and out of my head like they are skating on ice. I have taken to writing everything down - each and every little thing - because I don't trust my mind.
I feel like throwing up. The sick kind of throwing up, not the bulimic kind.
It's starting to scare me how I'm not a kid or even a young adult anymore. I don't get ID'd anymore when I buy smokes. I see the hollows under my cheeks and the bags under my eyes from late nights and abusing my body. I am 25 now. I first saw an ED doctor when I was 10. Pathetic. You could round my age up to 30 and sure enough, 30 will happen before I know it.
I have been (reluctantly) reading "Life without Ed" by Jenni Schaefer. Highly reccommended by my treatment team (and after borrowing it from my therapist, now I see why). Initially I really didn't want to read it because: 1) It's so hard to concentrate on reading anything at all without falling asleep 2) I don't really want to read about recovery when I'm still so ambivalent about my own recovery 3) Admit it, the title is silly. However, it is a pretty good book. No long, wordy chapters. The writing is easy to follow and in short little chapters/segments.
My mom blew up at me on New Year's Eve. She gave me an ultimatum that if I don't stop throwing up I have to move out. She doesn't see how hard I've been trying to stop. She said, "In the hospital you weren't throwing up, so why are you throwing up now?" Well, in the hospital it was impossible to throw up. They watch you 24/7 and plus they give you support to help you SUCCEED and NOT PURGE. At home there is no such thing. I wish she didn't think recovery was like a switch you can flick off the moment you decide to. I often get the feeling she takes this all really lightly and doesn't see that it's a serious disorder rather than a flippant choice. I'm contemplating having her come with me to see my therapist to get a better understanding, but I'm afraid of the 2 of them meeting because it might open up a whole can of worms by me combining those two very separate worlds - my mom and my therapist.
I'd take her with you. At the very least she needs to understand the eriousness of it. Though, if I can play Devil's Advocate for a minute, I think she DOES understand how serious it is and she is terrified. Having tried everything else, she is maybe just thinking "If I give her a choice like that then she'll HAVE to stop" - that maybe it will give you the push that you need.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy 25. I miss it dearly. Will be 30 in June and am dreading it. Recently relapsing... again. It never ends. Always on the roller coaster called life, clutching at my friend sitting next to me (his name is ED).
ReplyDelete