Copy of TF update

This is a copy of my TF post, so if you are a TF-er, disregard this :)

I realized why it's been so difficult for me to come here and update and to update at TF. It's because i feel like i was a failure at IP. I wanted so much to stop purging even if I didn't stop restricting, but the day I got out, I b/p'd.
I couldn't believe it. I was so set on stopping that part of the ED and I really thought I would be able to, but no, it hasn't stopped. It has gotten a little bit better (ie. once a day instead of 5x/day), so at least that is a positive thing, right?

I've been going to support groups weekly, doing out patient tube feeding (just to keep me out of IP, but I think this whole idea of OP tube feeds is really stupid), seeing 2 therapists weekly, doctors, constant bloodwork monitoring. Seriously, these appointments and groups could be a full time job.

I think I might be looking at another IP stay soon, but I'm trying hard not to. I have been feeling more hopeless and in some ways feeling like IP messed me up more than I was before. I feel like maybe recovery is not possible at all and I will just have to find some way of balancing between not getting too sick to function but not recovering either because I am not ready to recover obviously. The weight gain freaked me right out and I am back to pre-IP weight but somehow my electrolytes are still passable so I can stay out of the hospital. I also don't have edema!!! <-- a HUGE sigh of relief here.

Thank you everyone for caring and being so sweet to me and thinking of me. I totally need those positive vibes. I am going to try and update more and post on TF more but it's tough when I feel like such a failure.