I was supposed to see my therapist at 1pm but I got the times mixed up (that's happening more often now as my mind slowly deteriorates I guess). I thought our appointment was for 1:30 and by the time she called to check if I was coming it was too late for it to be worth rushing there for 15 minutes. We talked on the phone instead. I told her how fat I feel. She said the same thing as before, the usual therapist blabber about how "Fat is not a feeling, it's representing something else" etc. But really, truly, I physically feel fat. Maybe it's not that I FEEL fat then, maybe i just AM fat. Period.
My eating seems to have gone a bit haywire. I'm mainly only allowing myself to eat broccoli and zucchini again. I especially feel like shit after running into a girl I was in IP with. She was in the hospital again from December 28th until a week ago for a medical admission. Dammit, she got sicker/thinner than me. She's better than me. I haven't been re-admitted IP since being discharged, because I'm FAT FAT FAT!!! I'm doing so well in comparison, why should my tx team care about me. Everything always seems to go back to that same thing. Why should anyone care about me if not for being emaciated? I can never find reasons why I'm worth something beyond my thinness.
i'm so sorry you're struggling, these same words have raced through my head/been uttered from my lips way too many times. you have so much value beyond your ED, and until you reach a certain point in recovery it's hard to believe that people would care about you if you weren't in a critical state. the hardest sell is YOU caring about you. it frustrates me when therapists say "fat is not a feeling" because i swear it is lol! i hope you'll add more nourishing things back in to your meals, you deserve to take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteHi Tia, new to your blog but I read back through until the beginning (I believe) over the weekend. I know it doesn't matter what I say, but you are skinny skinny skinny. And why this is your #1 priority (being skinny/getting skinnier) is something I hope that you can work out, because you need to. And I feel like... well, I don't know if you have a lot of time at this rate before you're just TOO sick/damaged from the ED -- irreparable damage...
ReplyDeleteAnd... totally agree that FAT IS A FEELING!
it really seems to me like one of your "core issues" is the belief that you have to be sick to be worthy of love and attention. I can relate because i certainly have felt the same way, too. have you been working on this with your therapist? I am trying to let go of this belief myself. Over last summer i allowed myself to gain uo to a normal weight and i have found that even though I "look" healthy, my treatment team still shows alot of concern about my well-being. i know it is hard to trust that people will still be there for you but maybe give it a try and see.
ReplyDeleteI hate the "fat is not a feeling" crap. How do they know? I think it can very much be a feeling.
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