I'm Staying!

It feels like something has shifted within me. Some clarity has been shown to me and I have come to a decision. I am going to stay until my original discharge date of October 8th. A full 3 weeks. I know I will not be anywhere near 'recovered' at that point but the focus of this program is acute treatment for medically compromised people with the goal being medical stability (not much focus on psychological aspect of treatment). In the grand scheme of things, 3 weeks is not that long (that's what I keep telling myself, lol). A couple things happened to brought me to my decision:

1) During one of our post-meal groups we played Taboo. It was awesome and everyone had so much fun. At one point we all burst into laughter at something silly and at that same moment I felt something I haven't really felt before: I felt accepted. It took me by surprise to find tears in my eyes. I feel like I am "part of something", as cheesy as that sounds. The girls in here "get" me and the staff is so supportive even if they do things that make you mad a lot of the time.

2) A co-worker came by to visit. I was horrified at first because of the big sign outside the ward that says "Eating Disorders Unit". When I went on leave from work I didn't tell them why I was going - only that it was for medical reasons. I thought she would be shocked or surprised but she wasn't. She told me that people are more perceptive than we think and everyone kind of figured out the reason for my medical leave but everyone is wishing me well and there is no judgment on their part, just genuine concern. She brought a HUGE gift basket filled with books, body lotions and gels, a hand-embroidered pillow that says "get well soon, we miss you", slippers, a necklace and more stuff. The encouragement and love shown to me from my co-workers was so touching. They want so much for me to recover.

I will stick it out. I will take the risk and face the fears and demons in me. I owe it to myself, to Zach and to the people who are supporting me to at see this program through all the way. I don't want to regret anything and it would be more likely that I would regret LEAVING than I would regret STAYING. I am going to try something different now. Surprise the staff here, surprise myself. I hope I don't feel differently later on but my decision at this moment seems crystal clear.