There is so much to update about, I know I'm going to forget something, but here goes. I have been terrible at keeping up with updates during the last week of IP and after being discharged. It's been almost 1 week since I left. (Discharged on Thurs, Oct. 8th). The last week in the hospital went by in a blur. I learned how to crochet from the rec. therapist. I am in the process of making a navy blue scarf for Zach. I hope he likes it! I gained quite a bit of weight since the dietitician increase my mealplan quite a bit the last week seeing as I lost weight the first 2 weeks. I felt so full all day long and the food never really got a chance to digest before I had to eat again. Every 2-3 hours they are feeding you. I was so uncomfortable I pretty much just kept a blanket wrapped around me all day long.
2 of the other girls I got close to left the same week - one day before and one day after me, so that made me really happy that we were all saying goodbye to IP together instead of feeling like one was leaving the other behind. I hope they do well... we're going to try and keep in touch and do dinner at least once a month (and try to actually eat it!) The doctor doesn't seem to have much faith in me as she said she's putting my name back on the IP waitlist again and expects me to be back. She also has me set up for outpatient tube feedings 2x per week (tues/wed) to "try and keep you out of IP for as long as we can". I see her tomorrow and I am going to tell her that I don't want the OP feeds. I want to see how I do on my own first and then if I need it then I can do them. Besides, how much good could it possibly do, being tube fed for just 2 days a week. It makes me feel like a car getting filled with gas then being sent on my merry way. LOL.
Good news: I survived! I'm getting back into the routine of things. Back to work yesterday, trying to catch up on emails and piles of paperwork, although my supervisor was awesome and kept everything so organized and detailed exactly what she had done/not done so it was easy for me to slide back into things. Everyone here has been really respectful and hasn't asked any questions or made any comments, good or bad. I'd rather that they keep quiet and even if they think I look "healthier" or "better" that they not tell me because it would be hard to hear.
Before I went in, I was feeling really displaced with Zach and my mom. Zach ADORES his nana and i started feeling like it wouldn't matter to him if I wasn't there, but ever since I got home he's been glued to my side. He only wants me to hold his hand, he wants to be with me 24/7 and for us to spend lots of one-on-one time together. It's been awesome and I'm now recharged and my motivation to be the best mom i can be is renewed.
Bad news: The swelling/edema came back 2 days before discharge and they wanted to keep me for longer because they weren't sure why it had come back after being gone for almost 2 weeks! I also started becoming dehydrated and needing more IV's of saline in addition to the daily magnesium. The swelling made me gain a ton of water weight so my last weigh in was totally inaccurate and as a result I have no idea what my 'real' weight is, which drives me nuts and puts me right back in the same place as BEFORE i went in... my head is still so messed up with what's real vs water weight and this leads to purging to get rid of the extra water which then dehydrates me and puts me in a worse position than before, but i somehow can't break the cycle. Shit. It feels like this whole IP stay was useless since I'm back to square 1.
Since being discharged I have slipped a lot. My goal of IP was to stop the purging cycle (but not necessarily stop restricting). Well, the day I was discharged I purged. And every day since then I have been right back to my old routine of staying up until 2 or 3 AM b/p-ing. It feels like I have failed. Nothing has changed. I'm still restricting, I've lost almost all the weight I gained except for 2-3 lbs. I wish I knew what it would take for me to truly recover and for the changes to "stick" because obviously the past 3 weeks in the hospital didn't do it. I feel like it was a waste of time even though I am so glad to have made the friends that I did in the program.
I miss the nurses and the constant support. I think part of the problem with me relapsing is the way the program is structured. It's a medical program, not necessarily a therapeutic one. They just want to get you medically stable. I feel as if I've been just thrown back into my old life: same stresses, same routine, same everything as before. Of course people are going to relapse without being taught coping skills and without proper discharge planning for when you get home. I'm a bit disappointed but overall still glad for the experience. At least next time I won't be as terrified about going in since I will know what to expect.
I'm glad to hear that transitioning back into your job and being at home went so well!! I'm sorry that the eating isn't going as well as those other things. I can't STAND edema though, so I think I understand. I used to try and go to sleep every time it happened... but how often do you find yourself with the luxury of being able to put down whatever you're doing and sleep?! I'd suggest, if you can, eating a decent sized meal before you go to bed at night. You'll probably get edema after eating and then you sleep through it. I used to use that as a way to start getting my stomach used to eating larger meals and then you don't think about the edema so much because it's usually gone by morning. I HATE the whole eating meals and building up the amount of food in your stomach when it isn't digesting too... I used to eat a powerbar for breakfast, a powerbar for lunch, and then a big meal before bed. Although that probably sounds F-ed up, it works because after a few weeks you can try to switch out one of the breakfast/lunch meals to real food. I think it took me one full month before all of the meals could be normal food (although something like a powerbar for breakfast is actually useful as a time saver).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I also wanted to tell you that I got your letter b/c I'm not sure if I'd already told you that. It's sooo exciting to receive real mail, lol. I think you're the first person who's written me a letter in about a year (and the last was my grandmother... so don't know if that counts, hehe)! Hopefully mine got there too. I'm sorry I suck at getting the important things done!! This was a good example. It took me a while to find time and sit down and write (got interrupted twice too!!) and then even longer to take it to a mailbox (and mailboxes here can be shady, so I had to wonder if they ever sent it!!). But, if I write you again, it will be better (my goal here is improvement, lol). I have to take the PCAT (admission test for pharmacy school -- to become a pharmacist) this weekend and I'm freaking out. I began studying a month ago and after two hours or so, I realized that it was really easy. Sooo, a week before the test I decide to finish taking the example test, OMG it gets way harder! So, I think I'm screwed. Anyway, that's all I can think about until it's over Saturday morning. I'm trying to learn/memorize all of this biology stuff and I need to get faster at math because the chemistry section has a TON of math (the actual math section isn't too bad -- imagine that).
Well, I need to get going, but wanted to write since I probably won't find time until after the weekend. Take care! Oh and BTW I love the tatoo -- do you see the side that says "hope" or the side that says "faith"?
xoxo
Just don't give up! Failure is not how many times you fall, it's not getting back up again!!
ReplyDeleteI was hoping you'd stay longer. It takes much longer than 3 weeks to turn things around.
ReplyDelete