It was the longest 5 seconds waiting for the PDF file with my CMA mark to download.
Every nerve in my body was on edge.
When I saw the words "Congratulations! You received 72" (Passing Grade is 60) I couldn't believe it! I didn't just scrape by, I actually got a decent mark!
It is the best news I have had in a long time and this means that now I get to truly enjoy my summer - completely carefree and worryfree... well... except for the little problem of potentially being stuck in IP.
I have a Dr. and Psych. appointment next week and I'll know more about it then.
I realized that I am never 100% sure of what I feel. I often feel the polar opposite feeling both at the same time. For example, with IP. On one hand I want to go because it means I've been identified as sick enough and it means I've succeeded at having an eating disorder. It would be so much easier not to have to think and it would be a nice relief from my life. I know that if I do want to recover (I'm still ambivalent on this) it would have to be in a hospital or somewhere OTHER than my home. I need a total change.
On the other hand, I don't want to leave my life, disrupt my work and leave Zach (my son) to be in a hospital. I used to think it was normal, seeing doctors weekly, being poked with needles on a regular basis, until someone pointed out to me that most people my age don't see their doctor unless it's for a pregnancy test or for an annual checkup. At that point it became painfully obvious to me that this is NOT the norm for people. When I was getting my weekly bloodwork done I also noticed for the first time that I was the youngest one by far. Most people were in walkers, over 60 years old. I felt a little out of place.
Feeling 2 opposite things at once is totally frustrating and leads me to wonder what it is that I really want deep down. My T says to try and identify my "gut feeling" or my "instinct" but this concept is completely alien to me. I'm stuck in my head, intellectually, way too much of the time. It's sort of like the idea in the book Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking.
Congrats honey!!
ReplyDeleteGood news on the exam mark!! Well done! :) Now get yourself into the treatment program so that you can be better for Zach. Your parents will take good care of him.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!! That's wonderful <3
ReplyDeleteI was convinced that I wouldn't be able to pull myself out of this relapse without going into hospital, but once I started making some changes I made progress physically and psychologically surprisingly quickly. It's all down to how much motivation you have to change. The problem is, the whole point of eating disorders is that very few people do find that motivation on their own. I guess I was just really sick of being so ill.
CONGRATS!!!! I'm SO SO SO happy for you! See, you can succeed at lots of things!!
ReplyDeleteI agree.. Leaving life for a little bit to get yourself healthy is much better than leaving it completely if you keep getting worse.