Bone Density is OK!

I don't want to do this - I don't want this to be my life - every night my body kicking into autopilot mode and b/p-ing from 11pm to 3am. Every day I wake up with the best intentions and resolve that today will be different but it never is. Then I struggle with the question: can I do this on my own or do i need to go into the hospital? I sometimes surprise myself at the fact that I can function every day at work and looking after Zach since I have so little sleep and nutrition. The human body is amazing. Its capacity to scrape by on whatever it is given, the resiliency and resourcefulness... but I know there must come a point where enough is enough. I wonder how close I am to that point. The morbid part of me wants to toe the line and taste death. Just a taste. I don't actually want to DIE. Besides, I'm far from it - I'm almost too big to even be considered ana, lol. My last bone density test results came back OK, so for now I'm safe from osteo. In some ways i think my body's ability to cope works against me. I can't legitimately see myself as "sick" when I get by day to day and go through the motions. I mean, I'm not collapsing therefore I don't NEED to be hospitalized, right?

What I do need is to move out and get my own place. My mother and I have NEVER had a good relationship and even though I'm older now and she should have mellowed a bit with age herself, things are just as bad as when I was a teenager. She doesn't approve of me, my choices, the way I want to raise Zach. As a result, the whole discipline thing has been a huge struggle and Zach is probably confused too about who to listen to. When my mom and I did a brief family therapy stint back in December last year the counsellor picked up on that too and asked us how those roles are defined, "Who is mom and who is grandma?" Because the lines are blurred by us living with my mom, Zach might think that I'm more of a sister to him than a mother perhaps. Some barriers to me moving out are financial and practical. My mom does help out a lot with babysitting and if I moved out that wouldn't be as accessible to me. I guess it's a trade-off right? I've gotta take the good with the bad. I just hope this isn't going to affect my relationship with Zach permanently.