Back in the summer of Grade 11 I went on a 6 week summer work student exchange to Québec with 3 other girls I had never met before. The 4 of us became really close friends after spending all that time together and we've been in touch ever since. Over the weekend I went to the wedding shower of one of these girls. She's getting married August 8 of this year. The other 2 girls are getting married next year... and then there's ME. Totally single for the past 1.5 years (except for a few unmemorable dates through Lavalife). I feel like I'm being left behind, muchly because of the ED keeping me stuck in one place. I don't have the energy to date but the years are slipping by. I'm going to be 25 tomorrow. OMG - I will be a quarter of a century old! When I was younger and I thought of where I Would be at age 25, I expected to be so much further along. I'm doing well in terms of career and education but that's all.
I want to stop using the ED as a crutch or an excuse not to participate in life. I know there is some truth in the fact that I don't physically have the energy to go out as much as a fully healthy person would, but I also know that I could be making a greater effort on my part to at least *try*. It's weird to want something so much yet not be able to muster up the strength to reach outside yourself to try and attain it.
Back to the wedding shower. It was held at this super-nice house in North Vancouver. Everything was immaculate and they had a huge pool too. Drinks were served in itty bitty teacups with 2 saucers underneath, the host and her children had perfect posture and composure, dressed so elegantly. I hate that kind of atmosphere and it immediately makes me feel uncomfortable. I wore a spaghetti strap dress and you could see a few old scars from cutting on my ankles. Anyways, from the moment I walked into the house, I could feel everyone staring at me. Literally looking me up and down. Later one of my friends told me that they were whispering behind my back about how skeletal I am and that I'm obviously sick. I personally don't think it's THAT obvious. The Ana part of me is happy because this means that I have succeeded at being skinny enough to elicit comments and for people to assume ana when they look at me. The other part wonders if that's really what people see and they just keep their mouths shut around me. I wonder if I really am so thin that it's obvious something is not right. In my mind I don't believe that I am at that state of thinness yet. Maybe it's just that group of rich women who think that... maybe they just talk about people out of habit and I happened to be the pick of the day.
Happy Birthday sweet pea!! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday Tia :) don't feel too bad - I'm 25 in two months and I haven't even worked since I was 18. I only have a couple of local friends and I've been single for 2 years. That doesn't mean it'll be like this forever though. When you are less consumed by the eating disorder you will be amazed at how much you want to go out and get involved with things. When I was really ill I didn't have the energy or brain power to cope with other people, I just didn't know what to say to anyone. It was like the anorexia ate my personality. But it does get better, I promise <3
ReplyDeleteKatie xxx
It's hard comparing yourself to everyone else, and I think there are times when everyone wonders if they should be further ahead than where they are. The time will come for you when you're ready, and I know you know you're not at all right now. I hope that you can really get something out of treatment and start living your life putting more importance on the things that deserve it. And I don't mean this offensively or to give you pride, but yes, you can tell you have an ED. But I can also tell that you have SO many other good things inside of you, and I wish those things were what's shown versus the ED.
ReplyDelete