25th Bday

It's been a week since I last updated! Not much has happened in that time. My birthday went well. We went to Denny's for dinner. Yes, I know that sounds really bad - trashy - but it worked well for us for a few reasons. 1) Kids eat free on Tuesdays 2) Free birthday meal for me and 3) Denny's has a play area for kids and they are family friendly so no worrying about Zach disturbing the neighbors or upsetting the servers. I made a beautiful white chocolate strawberry cheesecake with whipped cream as my birthday cake. Unfortunately I couldn't even bring myself to have a tiny slice. It's funny how I can live vicariously by watching others enjoy my baking. Since I was 16 I have been making my own birthday cakes because I like to seize any opportunity to bake. That sweet 16 cake was a marbled chocolate/yellow cake with chocolate frosting and white chocolate piped accents. My Duncan Hines chocolate frosting recipe was a huge hit online at allrecipes.com and it actually got published in print in the Allrecipes Cookbook! (I have also happily been in charge of bday cakes for family members since that time.)

I'm down to about 92-93 lbs... (I am 5 feet, 6.5 inches). It's such a mindfuck that the smaller I get, the bigger I feel. I look around me and it seems like everyone is getting smaller and that they are smaller than me when I know that logically it is not true. I used to think that anything under 100 lbs (ie. double digits) would be good enough but then the world around me started twisting and distorting itself making it seem like everyone is shrinking too therefore I need to lose even more weight so as not to be at a normal weight. I wonder what is so unacceptable about being a normal weight.

I know I have lost a lot of my personality along with the pounds I've lost. I have developed a mild social anxiety that was never there before. When I go out with people I worry about being faced with food and uncomfortable situations but even moreso, being too tired or zoned out to interact with others. I worry about being boring. I have no problem making friends, I just fear that when they really get to know 'me' that I will not be what they want or they will get tired of me. I have to keep up appearances (of normalcy? of happiness?). There probably is some truth in these fears because I really don't have a lot of energy. On the weekend I was out with my mom and sister and we had to walk up a hill a few blocks from the parking to the stores and I remember my legs feeling weak and in the back of my head I wondered how I would keep up to them. I do not want to go IP but even I can admit to myself that it would be really difficult impossible to kick this without the intense support you get from IP.

I think all of this is taking a toll on Zach. I don't think I'm fit to be his mother. My own mother and I have been fighting a lot (mainly because I'm a bitch to live with) and Zach overhears us. He's been acting up and throwing things. I caught him snatching a toy from another kid his age at the church preschool. He used to be such a good natured, gentle spirited boy. What am I doing to him? Everything in my life is falling to pieces. Like watching a go-kart destined for destruction. All I can do is watch and say, what went wrong and how did it go so wrong so fast :(