Thank you all so much for your comments. I feel less alone and less like nobody would care if I fell off the face of the earth. It feels like I'm screaming behind a wall of glass. Opening my mouth but nothing can come out. All these emotions are bubbling beneath the surface and I know they are there but they're trapped (untentionally. I don't try not to feel. I want more than anything to have a good cry... I'm just unable to for reasons unknown to me). I'm panicking inside and yet everyone tells me that I am the calmest person they know. How can my view of myself be so different from what others see? It's this incongruency that throws my world out of whack. With two polar views, they cannot be both right, so who's right?
I saw my new T, Kristina, yesterday. I love her. I never knew I could connect with a new T so quickly but there's somthing about her that made me take a leap of faith and open up/trust her. Maybe it is her kind spirit. I feel a little guilty, as if i'm betraying my old T, Barbara, who I have seen for 8 years and who has basically watched me grow up from a teenager to now. The only reason I started seeing Kristina is because Barb is on holidays and I needed to see someone so I wasn't hanging and feeling alone, but now I'm not sure whether to go back to B or keep seeing K. She gave me bunch of photocopies on mindfulness and distress tolerance from a DBT workbook meant for BPD. I'm excited at this hands-on approach. Something concrete to do. Steps 1, 2, 3, etc. I like this kind of linearity.
Last night I went to the Celebration of Lights (annual fireworks competition in Vancouver) with a friend and a girl I met in ED group. We went for dinner because my non-ed friend was hungry. THAT was an awkward situation. So many pressures from different angles pressing in on me. I wasn't hungry and didn't really want to spend money on something I didn't want to eat. I had salad earlier but I felt obliged to order something 1) so I wouldn't trigger my ED friend, 2) because we were taking up seats in the restaurant and therefore 'should' order food, 3) so I wouldn't draw attention to myself and looks from other tables like I normally get. People who haven't had ED's take simple things as ordering food from restaurant for granted. I envy the ease with which they do it. I only wishi I could open up a menu, pick out something that looks really yummy, order it and eat it without further ado or worry. Just eat it. That should be my motto, like Nike's "just do it". But something has gotten twisted inside me and there is no simplicity left in my life where food is concerned.
Tonight I'm going to a free yoga class taught by a friend/yoga instructor in training. Karen from Food and Yoga. She used to have an ED too and went through IP ten years ago. She hasn't relapsed since then and she's strong and healthy now, studying to be a yoga instructor! I've never been to a yoga class, so wish me luck!
Disordered thinking always feels like it has two, very contradictory sides. It's important not to try and analyze which side is realistic, because no matter what you discover, your thoughts are your thoughts, and you will always lean more toward them than somebody else's.
ReplyDeleteJust know, that you are not alone, ever.
I've found that when you feel the most freighted and lonely, is when you actually have the most support. Look around you. And make the initiative to reach out. Sometimes, people are afraid to approach you and comfort you because they think you'll only withdraw further from them.
If you do ever need or want to talk, please email me. carnallace@gmail.com
Don't feel guilty about taking to this new therapist. I guarantee your previous t would not feel betrayed at all by you connecting with someone else. I actually think she'd be thrilled to know you were listening to and using the tools she's given you.
Ewwg, that sounds like a toughy there. That is one situation I am glad I've never been in. But you made it through!
Oh that sounds amazing! I adore yoga. I hope you have an enjoyable sess. I think it's something you'd really like.
-Edie