Despair

I feel so helpless in the face of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). When I began this relationship I was determined not to go down the same path as before, but here I am. I don’t know how to cope with this. I wonder if it’s even possible for me to have a successful Long Term relationship. The literature isn’t looking so positive. In fact, many articles warn non-BPD’s to stay way from relationships with BP’s. I feel a sinking sense of despair. What I fear most is being abandoned, but this often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Clinging so much to somebody that you end up pushing them away – what you feared in the first place. When you have eventually and inevitably driven them away, you say, “There. I told you that they would abandon me. Everyone goes away in the end”. And there you are, left hanging and unhinged. Left damaged. So many BP’s end up killing themselves. I can understand why. Just reading the bleak prognosis here makes me wonder why I should bother living when it will mean enduring this hell. Some info I found (edited). My comments are in the [...] brackets. In general, people with BPD feel worthless, empty, moody, needy, depressed, and have difficulty managing their emotions. They are looking for that all-loving “other” who will provide the unconditional love they cannot give themselves [I put too much importance on BB. I look to him for my emotional well being and this is too much for anyone to bear]. BPs often act inconsistently and impulsively in ways they later regret, see other as either all good or all bad, and base their beliefs on feelings instead of facts. Borderlines are people in pain. BPs commonly manage their intense pain in two ways: they act in (mutilate themselves, make suicide attempts, express self-hate) or act out (blame loved ones, criticize, make unfair accusations, act emotionally or physically abusive, put others in no-win situations, and use emotional blackmail). [I tend to act inwards. Cut, starve, b/p. But I often make BB choose between me and something/someone else. He always chooses me but I'm afraid that he will get sick of this.] Pervasive Shame: Toxic shame is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that a person is flawed and defective as a human being. It is no longer an emotion that signals limits; it is a state of being, a core identity. Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, the feeling of being isolated, empty, and alone in a complete sense. [The overwhelming feeling I experience is emptiness] Substance abuse: BPD and substance abuse disorders often go hand in hand. Another study reported that about 23 percent of borderline patients had a diagnosis of substance abuse. Borderline substance abusers are likely to abuse more than one drug (a frequent combination is drug and alcohol abuse), are more likely to be depressed, have more frequent suicide attempts and accidents, have less impulse control, and seem to have more antisocial tendencies. [Not applicable to me] Undefined Boundaries: People with BPD have difficulty with personal limits —both their own and those of others. [Yes] Control Issues: Borderlines may need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. In addition, they may be trying to make their own world more predictable and manageable. They may choose a lifestyle where all choices are made for them, such as the military or a cult, or they may align themselves with abusive people who try to control them through fear. [Yes] Lack of Object Constancy: When a person is lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love that others have for us. This ability is known as object constancy. Some people with BPD, however, find it difficult to evoke an image of a loved one to soothe them when they feel upset or anxious. If that person is not physically present, they don’t exist on an emotional level. [Yes] Interpersonal Sensitivity: Some BP’s have the astute ability to identify and use social and nonverbal cues of others. They can empathize well with others and often understand and respect how others feel, and they can use these skills to “see through others.” Some BPs may continue to use these social antennae to uncover triggers and vulnerabilities. [Yes] Situational Competence: Some people with BPD are competent and in control in some situations. For example, many perform very well at work and are high achievers. Many are very intelligent, creative, and artistic. This can be very confusing for family members who don’t understand why the person can act so assuredly in one situation and fall apart in another. [This only really affects my romantic relationships. Not work nor friendships]

BPD-ish

people have scars, in all sorts of unexpected places. like secret road maps of their personal histories. diagrams of all their old wounds. most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. but some of them don’t. some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.

The Official Proposal

C officially proposed just after midnight of New Year’s eve. Yes, I know we are already married, but we still wanted to do things the "traditional" way too. We met in 2011 and he wanted to get engaged in the same year that we met. He got down on one knee right after the clock struck 12 and popped the question. He didn’t have a ring yet – wanted me to help pick one out – so we looked at rings on the 1st and 2nd. I know that he ordered the ring on Friday, the 6th. I have an idea what style it might be (solitaire), based on the ones I pointed out that I liked, but in the end it is going to be a surprise as to which one he picked from the bunch. I hope it gets here soon!!! It really doesn’t matter to me what ring it is, but rather what it symbolizes. I haven’t told friends yet because they will inevitably ask, “where is the ring?”, so I am going to hold off until the ring arrives before I let the news hit Facebook, lol. When he talked to my parents to ask for their blessing and telling them his intentions to get married to me, it was a little weird because we’re already married – but he still wanted to do things the “right way”. My parents love him and can see how genuine he is and how much he loves my son too. They welcomed him into the family and it made me feel wonderful that everyone gets along so well. Given the tumultuous history of conflicts with my mother, this interaction was a very pleasant surprise! His parents were overjoyed when we told them the news. His dad immediately said, “hello future daughter-in-law” and his mom started crying and said it was the best news ever and that she loves me and that I am amazing. (awww) The next day she emailed and said again how excited she is and that she gets to be a grandma to my son. The part that touches me the most is that him and his family are so willing to embrace my son as part of the family with open arms. I feel so loved and welcomed by them. Let the wedding planning begin!

I-130 submitted

On December 16th we submitted the first immigration documents to apply for my spousal visa. $420.00 later… fingers are crossed that we hear back soon. From what we have read online the process takes just under a year. It’s so exciting to think that this time next year I will probably be preparing to move to Washington to be with my beloved. Those immigration forms are crazy complex and involve many many steps and supporting documents. I wonder how anyone with English as a second language manages to navigate the process.

The Wedding Recap

It has been exactly 3 weeks since we got married. Everything is going amazingly well! It has been so busy since the wedding that I have not had a chance to update at all. Now with Christmas just 3 days away, time is simply flying! Here is a little summary of the wedding and mini honeymoon afterwards: I was extremely nervous crossing the border. I was afraid that they would somehow know that I had a WA marriage license and was crossing the border to get married to an American citizen. Luckily they just waved me through. I had a couple of hours to get dressed, curl my hair, do my make-up and head to the court house. Our ceremony was at 4:30 on December 1. Besides the marriage commissioner, there were only 4 of us: BB, BB’s best friend, my friend and myself. The past few weeks leading up to this, I knew in my head that it was real and that we were getting married, but in my heart I didn’t 100% BELIEVE it. I was afraid it was a dream that I would suddenly awake from and the happiness would be snatched away from me. However, standing there holding his hands and looking into his eyes as he said his vows – I felt so loved and cherished. I was “in the moment” and filled with love. I am so glad that we did this our own way. Even though we are doing things the unconventional way, it feels right for us. In some ways it is much more romantic this way because our wedding was really and truly for ourselves and no one else. It is a decision we made as the best thing for our future and because we really wanted to get married! Not as a show for friends and family (although we are going to do a “real” wedding next year). This year’s ceremony was all about us and the declaration and commitment to each other. I never thought I would elope, but I guess that’s what we’ve done! The words “elope” has connotations of irresponsibility, spontaneity and superficiality but this could not be farther from the truth in our case. We wore our rings the entire weekend. He surprised me with a beautiful, luxurious stay in a suite at the Hyatt Bellevue with champagne and a lovely dinner. Even though this isn’t our big wedding, it is still incredibly special and we wanted to have a mini-honeymoon all weekend. I feel incredibly blessed to have found the love of my life. I keep; wondering if this is really real. It will take a while to get used to hearing myself referred to as his “wife”. I didn’t know it would be so hard taking off my wedding ring and putting it away in its box. I wish I could wear it and I love seeing his band on his finger. But we can’t give away our secret!

Our Wedding Day

Today is the 1st day of December. The first day of a new month and for C and I, the first day of a new life together. It’s our wedding day! At 4:30 today we will be at the court house getting married! BB will have his best friend as a witness and I will have a close work friend as mine. I’ve had such a mixed bag of emotions over the past week. Right now I am so excited – counting down the hours. Only 6.25 hours of singledom left! I have no doubts about marrying C, but I do wonder if we will regret the decision to elope and to do things in such a topsy turvy order. We are getting married before he has proposed, although he is adamant that he still wants to ask for my parents’ blessing and propose and do things the “right” way. I wonder what it will feel like when he proposes after we are already legally married. I hope it doesn’t take away the specialness of it. Right now I’m at work, leaving in 2 hours to drive across the border and meet him. He just emailed me, “Good morning beautiful! I love you! Only a few more hours left. Mwah!” I couldn’t be happier marrying into his amazing family. At thanksgiving at his grandparents’, his whole famly was there and a funny thing happened. We hadn’t seen them for 3 months so everyone wanted to know what’s new. His aunt joked, “I thought you were gonna say you guys got married or something!” If only they knew how close that is to the truth! It is a strange, indescribable feeling being around his family while holding this huge secret that I’m almost family but they don’t know it yet. On another note, last night my little boy hugged me and asked me to sleep with him. His warm little body curled up against mine, the peaceful sound of a little child breathing, safe in his mother’s arms and in the knowledge that he is loved. I am his world. I know these moments will not last forever. I know he will grow up. I hope I am able to enjoy these times to the fullest so that I never regret not taking advantage of these precious, young years once the time has passed. It’s so hard to juggle between being a mother, being in a relationship and taking care of myself.

Marriage License Received

C phoned me at 2:30pm to say that he just filed our marriage license application at the court house. In his hands he now holds our marriage license saying that we are eligible to get married during the period of November 25/11 to January 24/12. It’s starting to come together. All the pieces are falling into place and it is starting to feel real! We have material, tangible proof that we are doing this. Our rings are sitting pretty beside each other on his table. We have booked our marriage commissioner and we’ve both figured out what to wear. A few loose ends remain: 1) Witnesses. Undecided about whether we should use strangers / court house employees or break our secrecy and confide in two close friends who would then witness for us. I’m fine with strangers except I wonder if it would make immigration more difficult or make them more suspicious of the marriage if we used strangers. 2) Flowers or no flowers at the civil ceremony? It would make for prettier pictures but I’m really not a flower kind of girl. 3) Child custody. Still waiting to hear back from my ex about whether he will consent to me moving with my son. If he does not consent then I am prepared to go to court – I will do whatever it takes.

Temptation to BP

I am down to purging 2-3 times week now. Weight is down a little – i’m fighting not to slip. I find myself going hours and hours without food and I have to talk myself into eating something at 8PM because I tell myself that I Should. Not because I’m hungry, but just because I am too afraid of falling into the ED hole again. Although, some days it would be really much easier if I were too starved to think. My brain goes into overdrive and I can’t stop thinking about things. All those cognitive distortion you learn about in psychology 101, well, I suffer them all. Black & White Thinking, Catastrophizing, Projecting, etc. Exactly 10 days until we get married! Some days I feel like I’m walking on a cloud and that my life can’t get any better. Then I remember that I’m FAT. And I have to keep pushing the dark clouds away to keep them from crowding my head. I flirt with the idea of going into the hospital and giving control over to somebody else for a few weeks. But I would have to get far sicker before that could even happen. I probably won’t do it, but it is definitely appealing if only for the safety and security and predictability.

2 weeks!

We have EXACTLY 2 WEEKS until we are married!!! I am going to pick up my future husband's sized wedding band today!

Eloping

My boyfriend and I are *getting married on December 1, 2011* – 16 days away! I guess “eloping” is the right word, but it sounds so irresponsible. It is going to be a total secret from everyone we know in real life – forever (or that is the hope anyway). We have only been together since March/11 but it has been simply perfect. He has helped me so much in my recovery. I love him with my whole heart and for once in my life I can imagine a future for myself that does not involve bouncing in and out of the hospital. I can imagine possibilities for hope and happiness in years to come. The way we met was purely coincidental. He lives in Washington and I live in Canada. One day in March (a couple weeks after being discharged from IP) I headed south for a day-trip and went to the bank to apply for a credit card. He helped me with my application and we talked for over an hour. I definitely was attracted to him but brushed it off and figured I would never see him again. However, in the days afterwards I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He called me 2 weeks later and came up to Canada to visit me that same weekend. He says that the day we met he kept feeling that he had to call – that he couldn’t let me get away and that I could be “the one”. Sometimes you just know right away. We have seen each other every weekend since then, gone on a trip to New York and now we are getting married. I now wholeheartedly believe that you really do find love when you are least looking for it. Despite being excited, we are trying to view this as simply paperwork in a larger process. I wonder if I will feel married… The reason for this crazy plan is so that we can get the visa process started sooner for me to move to the USA. We definitely want to have a “real” wedding but just don’t have time to plan one properly right now, so the plan is to have our real wedding exactly a year from now on December 1, 2012 in order to keep the same anniversary date. We don’t want any judgement from others and we don’t want people to feel that our wedding next year is “fake” or that we are just putting on a show since we would already be married. His parents would be supportive if we told them but they would insist on being there and celebrating it would blow things out of proportion and start taking on more significance than we want it to at this point. My parents would flat out freak out. They are Christian and traditional and no matter what I say they would never understand our reasons. They would forever judge our relationship negatively and probably refuse to attend the wedding a year later. We’re doing everything backwards: buying wedding rings before engagement ring, getting married before the wedding, he is going to ask for my parents’ blessing and propose to me after we are already married. On the weekend we went engagement ring shopping and BOUGHT our wedding rings. I love them: simple matching white gold bands. Even though we can’t wear the rings yet, we still want to exchange them at the civil ceremony, then keep them away for a year, only wearing them maybe on vacation or when we are sure we won’t run into anyone we know.