I told him about ED

I told him about the ED on Saturday when we hung out.
We only see each other once a week because he lives in WA and I'm in BC. He seemed to take it OK and said nothing would change his opinion of me, but I'm not sure if that's the truth or if it's just the polite way to react. Now I'm a little worried because he hasn't contacted me since Saturday. Maybe he's realizing that I have too much baggage than he bargained for and is retreating. I don't know... I'm trying not to overanalyze things or jump to conclusions. I'm trying to ease my mind by telling myself that if he is indeed running away because of the ED, it's better that I know NOW rather than LATER. So whatever happens is what is supposed to happen and I should try and just breathe right now and let things unfold the way they are meant to.

Dammit, I wish I could really believe that. Instead, I turn everything inwards and blame myself for anything and everything that goes wrong. And then the ED wins because we all know how ED'd people deal with stress...

Facebook Dilemma

There is a new guy in my life and things have been going really well.
I haven't told him about ED yet but today he friend requested me on facebook. When I saw that friend request come through, my heart almost stopped.

I don't know what to do. I can't possibly NOT add him as a friend, but I have *A LOT* of ED stuff on my facebook page. Status updates, photos, friends, wall posts - pretty much my entire profile is ED-related. Right now I use FB as a way to connect with online supports and old hospital friends. I really don't want to have to censor myself or my updates yet I don't want to scare him away.

I know that at some point I will have to tell him but I was hoping it wouldn't be this soon and definitely not dumped on him through facebook. I'm not prepared to go through each and every photo and comment and delete those that I don't want him to see. I don't want to hide like that. There are so few places where I can be *me* and FB is one of them. I don't know what to do.

another sleepless night

I am so thirsty. I keep drinking and drinking water, diet soda, powerade zero... my body is crying out to be rehydrated. then i feel full, freak out... must get rid of it. and the cycle of dehydration continues. it appears that my body is forgetting how to do the simplest thing like metabolize food or hydrate itself properly without stumbling and sputtering and overcompensating for years of malnutrition by not processing food/water in a timely way whatsoever.

wow was that ever a run-on sentence. i should sleep. i'm not making sense anymore.

6 hours down the drain

I just wasted another 6 hours of my life b/p. That's 6 hours I will never get back. A pure waste of time. And now I'm going to bed but I still feel fat. I'm not empty enough even after rinsing and rinsing and rinsing. My body's water balance is thrown out of whack and my fingers and feet are swollen.

There is no word to describe how I feel right now except this: disgusting.

Accepted Offer - I bought a CONDO!!!

I put an offer on a condo this past Saturday, April 30. A couple counter offers back n forth that day then by midnight it was accepted!!! My realtor is an extremely patient, wonderful guy. After 6 months of looking almost every weekend, offering on 1 condo and not being successful, coming THISCLOSE to offering on 3 others only to have them scooped out from under my nose by other buyers...

I feel a whole mixed bag of emotions.
EXCITEMENT - I will finally have my own place and I'm moving forward with the next stage of my life.

FEAR - Mortgage. Debt. Need I say more?

WORRY - Did I make the right choice? Am I healthy enough to swing this and can I really make this work as a single parent in the long run?

Overall, I this place fits almost every single thing I wanted in a condo. It is 2 blocks away from work, shopping, transit, and right across from an elementary school for Zach. He will be in kindergarden in 2012. Now the next 2 weeks will be a matter of sorting out home inspections, mortgages, reading minutes, etc. I'm hoping that this excitement will help me stay healthy. That now I will have "too much at stake" to lose by getting sick. Now I have a mortgage and I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO take responsiblity since there is so much more to lose if I lose. ya know? Maybe this will be a very good thing for me.

Potluck

We have a potluck today at work.

My anxiety is rising rapidly. No matter what I do I end up drawing attention to myself.
1) Don't go - everyone will wonder where I am and why I'm not going. They will also think I'm antisocial.
2) Go and don't eat - this is just plain WEIRD and will be the most awkward
3) Go and pretend to eat, push food around my plate - people always look at what I am eating/not eating. I think it's just part of ED territory. People are curious and pretend to look while they are actually looking.

I wish I had an Ativan right now.

Bored

I don't know what to do with myself. I slept in until 3pm today, I feel disgusting. My fingers and legs are swollen with water, I feel bloated, etc. I haven't eaten anything today and yet I feel so full I want to purge. But even *I* know it would be stupid to purge black coffee and diet pop. I feel so disgusting.

I'm bored, I don't know to do with my time. I've exhausted surfing the internet, I've done a bunch of crossword puzzles today already, I don't feel like reading (makes me too tired and makes me fall asleep). It's only 9:30 PM right now. I have lots more hours to go before bedtime but this only depresses me. I have no purpose in life. Boredom leads to trouble in my world. Because I start looking for ways to fill the time. Unhealthy ways. This is stupid stupid stupid.

at a loss.

I am at a loss as to what to do.
It's so tiring to keep fighting ed all day long and at night go on auto-pilot and screw up any small successes i might have had during the day.
the past month i have not been updating here because all i have to show for the past time is a string of failures.

I have resigned myself (temporarily I hope) to the fact that ed rules. After IP I fought hard. Really, truly hard. I hung onto drinking Boost daily for a good long time. And then it eroded away little by little and as my body lost strength, so did my ability to fight for health.

The rest of my life has been going downhill too: restructuring at work, custody stuff, housing stuff, friendships and relationships. I have very little going for me right now. At least work, my job, used to keep me going and keep me motivated. However, now nothing seems to be able to penetrate my numbness.

Life is messy

When you recover from an eating disorder, stopping the behaviour is just the beginning. It’s only when you’re truly healthy that you realize how much damage it has done to your life. You might have isolated yourself from everyone around you, derailed various aspects of your life (work, education), screwed up your health, etc. You probably have absolutely no idea of how to deal with stress other than by using that behaviour – and suddenly you are facing a huge amount of stress, stripped bare of your resources. There are the practicalities of life to sort out and relationships to repair, pain to live with, anxiety or depression to stave off.

It’s really fucking hard being stuck in the middle and wondering if a) things will ever get better and b) if you can survive until they do without going crazy. Sometimes the ed seems like the lesser of two evils.

I keep coming back to the question - is this really worth the effort? My health is better, in that I’m not going to collapse any time soon. But my mind and my life are a lot messier.

Realizing how stuck I am

I feel scared and tired and alone. I don't think this is depression talking . I'm too disconnected from my emotions to feel depressed or sad or anything. I think I'm just realizing the hole I've dug for myself, looking up, and wondering how on earth I will ever find the strength to climb out.

Everything is contingent upon something else. Work is linked to where I live which is linked to Zach's daycare which is linked to being too sick and insecure to take a leap of faith and do long-term treatment. There are too many things that I cannot abandon in order to go for a longer treatment stay. If i leave my job for treatment how will I pay for daycare, ongoing expenses, etc.

I stay stuck on this hamster wheel. What I want more than anything else is to move out. Away from my mother. I think that once I do that, it will be easier to make other changes. But it's also a risk medically. I feel sooo stuck.