I feel scared and tired and alone. I don't think this is depression talking . I'm too disconnected from my emotions to feel depressed or sad or anything. I think I'm just realizing the hole I've dug for myself, looking up, and wondering how on earth I will ever find the strength to climb out.
Everything is contingent upon something else. Work is linked to where I live which is linked to Zach's daycare which is linked to being too sick and insecure to take a leap of faith and do long-term treatment. There are too many things that I cannot abandon in order to go for a longer treatment stay. If i leave my job for treatment how will I pay for daycare, ongoing expenses, etc.
I stay stuck on this hamster wheel. What I want more than anything else is to move out. Away from my mother. I think that once I do that, it will be easier to make other changes. But it's also a risk medically. I feel sooo stuck.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so stuck and alone. I know how horrible it is to be frozen, unable to take a step in any direction. If you left for treatment, would your mom be able to pay for daycare/expenses while you're there? I know it's hard to sort out all the options and sometimes to realize that *all* of the options are difficult, but steps have to be taken anyway, because as bad as the fear is, staying stuck feels worse. staying stuck is like non-living. i hope you get some support in making the decision that's best for you <3
ReplyDeleteIs there anyone that would be willing to step in and take care of things for you if you were to go to long-term treatment? Could your mom help? What about Zach's father? Is there any other family you could ask for help?
ReplyDeleteBecause you need to do something to get out of this hole. I really only see long-term treatment as your out. Moving away from your mother might help in the short-term but in reality, how is that going to get you on the road to real recovery? It will be a new set of pressures.
It sucks to have to ask people for help. It sucks to feel like you're inconveniencing people... but it's something you need to do for yourself. You need to try to make it work.
Feeling stuck has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. But there must be a way because I agree with everyone else that only long-term treatment can help you. These short stays in IP don't seem to help you very much. And you have to get better because this illness can kill you, make no mistake about that. I have at least one friend who will most likely die in the next few months because of the damage done by anorexia (and I suspect bulimia.)
ReplyDeleteCould you qualify for long-term disability (or whatever it's called in Canada) so you didn't have to work and could go to long-term treatment and have money coming in to pay for things? Later on when you are better and on the road to recovery you could work again. Honestly, I'm amazed you are still working right now. And that's a good question about Zach's father - where is he in all this? Is he (or can he) help pay for expenses?
I'm not sure leaving your mother's is the answer. It might look like the answer, and it would bring you short-term relief. But you have been so sick for so long, I can't believe that just leaving her place would make you better. You need serious, intensive, long-term treatment.
I think everyone just wants to see you get better, to become unstuck and live your life free of your eating disorder. This cycle can't continue forever.
Please try to think of all options and not reject any that could bring you closer to getting better. You deserve better.
*Hugs*
Angela
im sorry youve been feeling this way. unfortunately, i have no quick fix to suggest. i can only offer empathy, because i know what its like to feel horribly stuck in a position, and feeling like there no way out.
ReplyDeletei guess what i can say is that there is a way out. its in your view. sadly, a lot of us were given less tools to use to move out of the hole and it will take more work.
i wish you the strength and hope to get through it all.
I can't add anything that hasn't been said, but just wanted to give you *tighthugs*
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