I don't see an end to this. I haven't been updating because my life is so boring and so pointless. It becomes a really sad existence when the only things that stand out are your hospital admissions. I have started referencing my life in relation to hospitalizations rather dates. Ex. Between hospitalization 3 and 4, I did such and such. The deeper I get, the stupider I feel for still chasing this path and the harder it gets to put a stop to it. I actually feel relieved amidst the fear when I'm nearing a hospital admission. The relief comes from the respite I get from myself. Save me from me. Even if it's just for a couple of weeks.
Yes, it's really hard suddenly being faced with a meal plan in the hospital, but at the same time I finally get to hand the reigns over to someone else and "allow" myself to eat because the decision is no longer on my shoulders alone. But I can't live the rest of my life with someone watching over my every meal in order for me to eat it... it just doesn't work that way, yet the way things are going, those are the only times my mind lets go a little of the control, because the control is literally taken away from you.
I'm keeping down 1 Boost a day (yay!) but no food. Even a food that is the same number of calories as the Boost is too scary. Logic has completely lost its place in my ED'd mind. Weight is slowly dropping, nothing drastic, but enough to keep my ed happy. as long as it's not the same or higher, i'm OK with a slow weight loss right now. My body needs the rest.
These lyrics by Nine Inch Nails speak volumes about where I'm at right now:
"I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same"
-NIN
Please find a way out of this. You are too young and vital - plus you have your son - to make this your life. Dig deep and find a reason to recover for yourself first. I know it is hard - God, do I know it is hard - but please try.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
Angela
I love that song, but it is so sad to hear you say that is how you are feeling. I don't know why life is easy for some and so damned hard for others, but you do deserve good things, T. xoxo
ReplyDeleteTia, I wish you could get the treatment you really need and deserve. It is hard to be stuck in a pattern and vicious circle, but you can get through this too. Finding some reason to change, whatever it may be, will help put things in perspective for you. You have a son who I know wants you to be better and around for a long time. Please take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say I am praying for you constantly. You can find a way out - the key is within you. I want you to get better so much!!! I want to read that you are doing well and enjoying life. If there is anything I can do, my e-mail is on my profile page. Anything.
ReplyDeleteI just have this feeling you could be so much more that I want to encourage you as much as I can.
*Hugs*
Angela
P.S. You might notice I am only going by my first name now. That is for a number of privacy and safety reasons, but I'm still the same Angela. :)
ReplyDeleteJust out of curiosity, how much have you looked into long-term treatment in America? Canada seems to suck at it. Have you ever contacted any of the treatment centers here? Is the issue financial? (I know it is ridiculously expensive.) However...I think it may be your only hope for recovery at this point. I don't mean to sound negative but you're very ill. You need long-term inpatient/residential treatment. I hope that you will find SOME WAY to get there!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you're religious but doesn't Mercy Ministries offer free long-term treatment?
ReplyDeleteIt's not Canada's healthcare system that is the problem. Tia doesn't want to get better. She doesn't want to take time off from her job, which she could get medical EI, and leave for longterm treatment. She could get it FOR FREE here, but she doesn't want to commit to the time. She has said in her blog that she left the hospital early last time because she had no more sick days at work, but she could have claimed EI. It's just sad because she has so much potential, but in order to recover, you have to give up the idea that you can do it without longterm intensive treatment. It is here, in BC, but you have to give up the idea that you can still work full time.
ReplyDeleteTia, why don't you want to take the medical EI and get long-term treatment? Your little week long hospital stays aren't doing anything, despite your best intentions. Why does your job take priority over your health, your life??
ReplyDeleteWork will be there later, when you're well enough to handle work without constantly getting sick.
This reminds me of when I was stuck in alcoholism. I would alcohol binge until I couldn't function anymore and the pain was too much then I would go to detox and be given drugs and I would be all fixed up until next time. I could not be helped until I went to long term rehab and that's what did the trick. I have my life back now and so can you.
ReplyDelete