1.5 weeks until my exam.
I've been avoiding all mirrors, finding it hard to get dressed and to leave the house because I feel so terrible. I feel like my whole body jiggles with every step I take, but I'm trying really hard to take a Boost a day like a doctor's prescription, at least until after the exam. There's too much at stake to let the ED take over right now and screw up the exam. I would never forgive myself. Funny thing - the doctor actually wrote me "1 Boost Plus per Day" on a prescription pad to try and cement the idea that it's really like medicine, so not to think of it as calories. Hah.
My train of thought right now is, "Make it through to June 12, pass the exam then you can do whatever you want with your eating." However, my nutritionist challenged me by asking, "what do you REALLY want? When your exam is over do you really want to go back down that path?"
I don't know.
The problem is that I don't remember life pre-ED because the onset of my ED was at age 10. Every part of my life that I remember is entwined with ED memories. I can't look back and pick out the good times without ED because as far as I remember, there are none. Every good memory I have I can still vividly remember the accompanying ED thought... for example... having a great time at Disneyland when I was 11. Along with the memories of Mickey Mouse and the Thunder Mountain Railway roller-coaster I also have memories of the anxiety I felt at Mickey Mouse's breakfast, wondering how much of the mouse-shaped waffle I could eat. How many calories I was burning by walking around the park all day in the scorching heat. Comparing myself to the dancers in the parade and envying their long, skinny bodies.
It would be a HUGE leap of faith for me to leave the ED behind because I don't know what is out there. I have zero frame of reference as to what life could be like. All I know right now is that I feel like a blog but I'm still doing the Boost-a-day. Gaining weight. Trying to not think about gaining weight. Trying to make it OKAY by telling myself I could always reverse all the weight once the exam is over. Oh god... feel so crappy in my body right now... i want this feeling to go away.
Try to think about the feelings that you DON'T want to go away. Your memory is improving because your brain has sugar to fuel it. You are clear headed and able to make decisions. You have energy to read, focus, and study. You are probably performing at a higher level than you have in a long time (ever?). That is perfection, not the crap we put our bodies through.
ReplyDeleteagree with lacey above..
ReplyDeletethink of calories as fuel, not as fat designed to torture us.. we eat to live, not live to eat.. and i think if you are getting enough calories to fuel what needs to get done, it's a step in the right direction. you dont need every day to be ED free and perfect, but at the same time- taking care of yourself is important too. there is a big difference between healthy thin and sickly thin. sickly thin, means, you suffer, everyone suffers, your mind suffers the most of all because it's so important not to get better you have nothing to look forward to anymore..
healthy thin is wayy different..
*hugs**hugs*
TAKE THAT LEAP. DO IT. bc what's the worst that can happen?
ReplyDeleteI wasn't happy at one weight, and i certainly wasnt happier at my lowest weight. i'm striving for, searching for a balance at a healthy weight-- the weight that my body was designed to be at.
youre so worth it.