I am THISCLOSE to being certified again.
I have gradually been evading my doctor's appointments. It's such a hassle to make the trek in to see them, often spending more time on the bus to and fro than in the appointment itself. I cancelled a few and when nobody said anything, I cancelled some more. Well, they've noticed now.
I got a phone call today which came loaded with a whole ton of appointments booked far into the future.
"Tia, you MUST see a doctor at least once a week. This is NOT an option. It is MANDATORY and if you do not come in voluntarily we will have to bring you in against your will." (or something along those lines). GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.
Grreeeat. I'm already trying to get the HR people at work off my back. I'm on the "attendance management" program and potentially the "disability management" program for all of the sick time I keep taking to go for appointments. I often think, they must think I’m lying. I mean, I don't 'LOOK' like I have an ED (to me anyway). I get super embarrassed feeling like they might be judging the validity of the reason for my appointments. Worse than that, I'm afraid they might think I’m just trying to skip out of work which is completely not true.
Running away the other day was like another nail in my coffin. Another reason for them not to trust me. I saw my T and while her reaction was indeed disappointment (as I had feared it would be), she still wants to work with me and she still believes in me. Sometimes I think she's the only one.
"There's a difference between giving up on someone and respecting someone's wishes. If you really don't want to recover, you are an adult now and I must respect your wishes - to a point - when it becomes a medical liability, that's a whole other ball game."
Ouch. That statement kinda stung. But… I needed to hear it. I keep wanting someone to save me, to convince me that recovery is worth it, but nobody can do that but me. The truth often is hard to hear.
The truth is often harder to hear. It seems you are getting what you wanted, even if it is an unconscious wish. You have everyone running after you and they are, in fact, trying to save you, but you simultaneously do not want to be saved (or at least meet them half way). I hope you seriously consider meeting them half way because you're incredibly fortunate to have people still willing to work with you.
ReplyDeleteThe truth does hurt to hear sometimes, but there it is nonetheless. I agree with the previous poster and what she has said. I still believe in you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that I'm not commenting more, but my time seems to be crazy limited these days. Just know that even if I don't comment on an entry i have surely read it and think of you often.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Anon and GT, and your therapist. And I agree with you that it has to be hard to hear this.... but the reality is that if no one thought that you could handle the truth and own your recovery, no one would keep trying. You are NOT hopeless, you CAN do it, and everyone can see that ability in you -- but you have to want it enough yourself. None of us can make you want it enough, unfortunately.
And... as far as whether the people you work with think you're making this up or not, I can guarantee that they realize the importance of your appointments. In the corporate world there are all kinds of procedures that need to be followed when someone takes as much time off as you are, but this does not mean that your co-workers think you're just trying to shirk your responsibilities at the office -- clearly you are a dedicated employee and you try very hard to do your work (though I am guessing the ED has limited your ability, even there, as it has once again taken over much of your life). There's not a single thing about you that says to me that you're lying... and I am guessing that's the way they feel, too.
I think what it comes down to is that you need to find something that is more important to you than your ED...you need to locate the motivation. When you were pregnant you were so strong for your boy -- you had something that was even more important than the ED and you fought hard against it. I hope you can find something within yourself that once again gives you that strength. We know you can.
sometimes, people say things that we dont want to hear. i do understand that where your boss was coming from, that it does become a liability if you take time out of work to work at recovery, but choose to ultimately not recover. it sounds like they are working hard to accomodate your appointments and such and want to help you get help- but maybe when your boss sees what she thinks as "slowly killing yourself" when you have a way out and you know the way out; its harder to swallow for people.
ReplyDeleteliken it to an alcoholic who must drink in order to function, they have all the help in the world to recover, support, love, etc. but they choose to walk away and "yea yea yea" everyone. this leaves the people who are trying to help with this type of illness confused. "does he want help or not?!" and then, when they get fed up, they give up.
and you dont want people to give up on YOU. which if you choose not to help yourself, will eventually happen- like it or not, you may not have a breaking point in all this, but other people may.
i dont say these words to bring you down, or try and hurt you- but when we look at it from another perspective, it makes a little more sense to understand where someone is coming from.
continue to work hard at work, dont let missing work for appointments affect anything else going on in the office- but at the same time, try to prove to them that you aren't a statistic, and that you are fighting this. its never easy, because you might think you dont have anything to prove to anyone else, its your life- but we all do at some point. even if it doesnt look like you have an ED - to other people you still might look like it.
again, im not saying this to try and hurt your feelings- please please understand that!!!!!
*hugs*