I’ve never ever been able to really and truly recover. The word RECOVER makes me shudder to begin with. Recover what and from what? I am painfully aware that I can never recover those wasted years where my life was consumed with nothing more than calories and weights and numbers and mirrors? The eating disorder has become so much a part of me that I wonder what is me and what is the disorder. We've been living together for 15 out of 25 years. EDs change you and shape you and I'm sure it will always be there to some degree in my life. It might not be optimistic but I'm being honest when I say that my best hope is for me to be able to ignore the voices that I know will always be there. Being able to bat away the thoughts that flutter like butterflies all the time in my head.
So many of my friends and family members have already retreated and withdrawn their support unintentionally, to protect themselves and because they cannot stand to see me the way I am and continue to be year after year: sick and not getting better. Some friends have severed all connections, refusing to have me in their wedding party, not inviting me out because it's "too painful" for them. Others act like it doesn't exist although it's the elephant in the room.
I'm afraid to admit defeat by going IP again or by telling the truth when people ask "How is recovery going?". I just smile and say everything's fine. Deep down I wonder, what if I fail again? Who else will leave me and who am I going to disappoint? This fear keeps me from trying, keeps me perpetually stuck. If you don't try you can't really fail... or so it goes in my head.
I want to be more than this disorder. I want my son to grow up and be proud of his mother instead of end up abandoning me too when this gets to be too much for him to bear. I don't want him to ever blame himself for me being sick or to shoulder the burden of a sick parent. I want him to remember good times together and not to remember me being too weak and tired to do anything or to depressed to go anywhere with him. If this disorder does kill me I at least want him to see that I fought a good fight and didn't give up.
Don't give up, T. And it isn't admitting defeat if you you go to IP. I think about you and pray for you often. xoxo
ReplyDeletemy fiances father committed suicide and even ten years later my fiance still wonders why his father wasn't able to hang on for his children- - i think this would be more likely the case with your son. he will love you because you are his mommy, but if you pass on sooner rather than when he is much much older (like you know when hes 50..) he may think the same thing, "why couldnt my mother get past all the pain for me".. which is what my fiance says all the time... it breaks my heart to hear him say that- and totally breaks my heart to see you write it too..
ReplyDeletetheres no shame in saying you are not doing well and you need more help - get it where its being offered before its too late..
*hugs*
The funny thing about recovery is that you look at it and wonder what there is to recover, and then one day you decide it's time and suddenly recovery isn't scary and it's exciting and new. Then you start doing all of these things you never thought you'd do, and you're amazed. Then you run out of amazing things to do, you've done them all, and life gets to be normal again. By this time, you've forgotten about recovery. It's seems weird, but in many ways, recovery has never seemed normal to me either. I mean, if you're normal you don't need to recover, right? So to be normal, why would you focus on recovery? So, I guess, feeling uneasy about it is probably totally normal. And, in many ways, we are never finished recovering, because everyday we work not to go back to ED behaviors. At the same time, I think it's crazy to not say you can recover, you just have to realize that it's work to stay that way. There are so many times I wrote similar things to your post here (minus the part about having a son, of course) and I never thought that after so many years being consumed I could get my life back and be "normal." And, sadly, I'm still not viewed as "normal" like I would have wished since I'm still too thin... but the important part is that I'm healthy and not dizzy, fainting, starving and killing myself. I know you can get here too. For so many years I looked up to you as someone who had made SO much progress and was recovered. I will never think of you as anything other than strong. I would have to imagine that the others in your like would also think of you that way: as a fighter and someone who didn't give up. You certainly inspired me. Although I'm miles away and cannot do much to inspire you, I can tell you that I think you're strong and I won't give up on you because I know you can recover. It also sounds like so many other readers agree.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comment on my blog. I relate to this so much--I feel like even though I'm at a "healthy" weight now so much of my life has been lost to ED and I can never get it back. So many of my relationships have been destroyed and I've lost so much. But I think you're right in that we have to keep fighting. And I've managed to get back a lot of things that I never thought I could. So I think it is possible. It's just going to take a lot of time and probably a lot of what feel like failures along the way. Please don't give up and take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI lost my Mom to anorexia. And yes - sometimes I get angry because she never really tried. She gave up on treatment and never really had a will to live through things. I get so frustrated because "why should I try to recover from this - my MOM didn't" - but I know that eating disorders are... I dunno. She wasn't strong enough. She gave me 21 years, and was a wonderful Mom (and person - my mom was incredibly self-sacrificing) - particularly when she wasn't so sick. I like to thinkhope that I'm strong enough, stronger than her.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is it WILL be hard on your son. You can't help that, and you can't feel guilty about that. You didn't choose to have an ED, he didn't choose to have a mom with an ED. He'll probably grow up tougher than others do - hopefully with a pretty good body image. Or hey - maybe he'll hardly remember it. Maybe by the time he's older you'll be recovered and it'll just be something that occasionally comes up. Dear lord, I hope you don't end up leaving him as my Mom did. I don't think you will - you're strong enough. You are.