Getting worse to get better

It's such a catch 22. You have to get sicker to get treatment. then you get better a little and everybody leaves you. I swear, that's why I stay stuck. Because I'm afraid to lose all my support if I get any healthier.

I went to an ED support group last night run by my treatment centre. There were about 12 people there, but they ALL knew each other from previous groups. It was a little unnerving being the odd one out. At this treatment centre they do groups in cohorts, so you kinda stay with the same group of people for 3 consecutive sets of group sessions. I'm technically supposed to be done the 3 sets of sessions, but my T still thinks I need the support so she stuck me in this group, hence me being the odd one out.

I was surprised to see a girl from work in the group. I don't know her well and we've only ever really said HI/BYE to each other. She has B.E.D. so she is not super skinny, but the odd thing is that even though she doesn't look emaciated, there was something about her than made me wonder if she was ED'd or not, way back when I first met her 2 years ago. I have heard this kind of intuition referred to as the "eating disorder underground (EDU)". That happens so often to me that I meet someone and a passing thought crosses my mind, I wonder, 'do they have an ED?" and probably 99% of the time I find out later on that I was right.

What is it that makes me (and other ED sufferers) so intuitive about OTHER PEOPLE? I don't get it? Like I said, this girl wasn't super thin or obviously sick. Then all this gets me thinking, I wonder what others see when they see ME. Do they know? Do they wonder? Any theories or experiences you guys have had with this?

Safety in Sickness

I find safety in feeling sick. Some days when I don't physically feel as crappy, I actually start getting worried that maybe somehow I'm getting healthier (read: fatter) without my consent.

This is day to day what I am used to:

-Cold hands
-Seeing stars and black spots when I stand up
-Being bone tired
-Fighting not to fall asleep in the afternoon (ie. right now, lol) at work
-Insomnia (waking up at 2:30 every night, tossing and turning until I can't take it anymore and get out of bed)
-Terrible stomach pains when I eat anything
-Reflux
-Leg cramps
-Can't stand up for too long without leaning against a supporting surface, my legs feel weak.

None of these things feels good physically, but they reassure me. Nothing else seems to soothe me the way bones and numbers on a scale can. I wish I could change my mind, but I'm getting older, I'm getting more set in my ways so to speak... change is not easy... I need to feel safe and unfortunately I don't know how else to do it, other than living in a hospital 24/7.

Signs of slippage

Signs I know I'm slipping:
I start to push my meals back later and later in the day, procrastinating, only getting around to eating at 5 PM.

I become more obsessive about everything. Both food and non food related.
I develop rituals and become irritable.

I start to eat candy instead of "real food".
Some days my only source of calories is pure hard candy. Because it feels safe. Because I don't feel "full" and "bloated" when I eat candy. I don't understand how candy could be a safe food - full of sugar, carbs, calories - but somehow my mind has accepted it so I'll just go with it I guess.

I ran into my doctor in the parking lot today. I have been avoiding him. He seemed very concerned and kept trying to get me to book an appointment. I don't see the point. He's not specialized in ED's, but he's known me since I was 9 years old, so I can understand his concern. He's a really really great man, very genuine and truly caring. He's also my son's doctor. I just wish he knew how to help me more, but then again, maybe nobody does. Not even 'the experts'.

"Good Job"

It's so hard for me to hear the words "good job" or "I can see you're trying really hard" from my treatment team. I saw my therapist today who I haven't seen in 3 weeks (due to her holidays, my IP, etc). She said she received good feedback from the hospital regarding my hospitalization. Compared to my last admission where I fought all the staff tooth and nail over every little thing, this time I was much more compliant and much less defiant. Maybe they see it as progress, but I just see it as my will, my spirit being eroded due to tiredness and apathy. Not due to a change in mental perspective.

Instead of hearing her words as good and genuinely positive feedback, I got offended by it. I felt like all of a sudden I had to watch every word and every action, like I'm a performer who has to please her audience. It angered me so much. (and now i'm angry at myself for getting angry at people for nothing all the time).

I just have something cute I had to share:
Today as I was putting my son to bed, he turned to me spontaneously and said, "Mommy, you are the most beautiful daisy in the world."

... If only I were truly the beautiful person he sees... :(

Energized?

I have all this energy, but not in a good way. In a kind of crazy, frenetic, OCD kind of way. I have never been a super-tidy person but lately I cannot stand anything being out of place. I cannot sleep either. After eating a late dinner from 9-11:30 PM (I prefer to eat later in the day, the earlier I eat the more I have to battle food throughout the day), I read and journal for a bit then I try to sleep but I can't. Then when I finally fall asleep, I wake up every hour until I can't take it anymore and I get outta bed at 5 AM. FULL OF ENERGY and wanting to equally tidy the house or cook.

The good thing is that I have also been making extra efforts to devote energy to Zach. I took him to Science World yesterday (took public transit too!) and that was exhausting but sooo worthwhile. It was a full day of walking, standing, (and not having time to eat). He missed me so much he wanted me to piggy back him everywhere.

On an intellectual note: I picked up an interesting book. It's called Severe and Enduring Eating Disorders (SEED) by Paul Robinson. It's somewhat clinical in nature but a relatively short read. It mentions condiment abuse which I am totally guilty of. I knew my salt/pepper/spice kick was outta hand, I just never knew it had a name until now :)

Outta IP

I'm out of IP. I ran out of sick time at work and I was also getting anxious about the weight gain (of course). I can barely look at myself in the mirror.

I'm glad I went in and I think I did learn some new skills to cope, but I also know this will not be my last round of IP treatment. Like so many I am caught in the "revolving door". My doctor pointed out that at least I'm being realistic. Even the team feels that I've been pushed as far as I can go this admission, and I'm back on the referral list for IP again, probably in 4 months or so I will go back in for a little bit. Short, frequent stays rather than long ones. I'm OK with that. Kind of like a bi-yearly tune-up you give your car or like "topping up" gas in your car. lol.

I have still yet to complete a whole meal without replacing 50% of it with Boost. I have thus drunk Boost (Vanilla is the only flavor I can tolerate) 3x per day for over 2 weeks.

I've been doing OK by my standards. I've been eating exactly 1/2 of my mealplan. No Boost. The only problem is that each meal takes me 2 hours to get through. No joke. By the time I'm done eating one meal, it's almost time for the next. The only really 'safe' food right now for me is cottage cheese. I've never understood my rationales for picking my 'safe foods' and I still don't.

I'm going to take my Zopiclone now and hit the sack. Going back to work tomorrow.

The outside world on a pass

I miss my bones.
The one thing that gives me peace of mind amidst all this weight gain is that I don't have my period back. It has now been 2.5 years since I stopped getting it. I don't mind. I don't want to have any more children anyway.

Mealplan increase - more Boost at every meal, since I'm having such a hard time with the actual food but I can deal with the Boost. I'm so full after every meal. The food just sits there in my stomach and even 2 hours after the meal I can feel it there. After lunch the food doesn't get a chance to move down before I know it, it's snack time and then dinner. It feels like I can't breathe from the anxiety of it and the physical reality that my torso is experiencing a loss of space due to the food.

I got a surprisingly long pass yesterday - 2.5 hours to spend with my son in the park. I was pretty anxious before the pass because I have only seen him two times in the past couple of weeks and I didn't know how he would react to me. I also remembered being so overwhelmingly exhaused by looking after him in the past, so that piece caused some anxiety too for sure. Today I expended more energy playing in the park and chasing after Zach than I have since the beginning of IP where all I've done is walk 10 feet from the kitchen to my room and back.

The pass went smoothly, but there's still a big ball of anxiety in me around looking after my son. I'm terrified of the physically draining effect it has on me but at the same time I'm overcome with guilt at even THINKING that I wouldn't want to spend 100% of my time devoted to him. I also got lots of looks from other parents at the park. Typical of people being curious, they glanced at me, saw my still somewhat bony appearance, glanced at the hospital band and the IV saline lock still in my arm and then kept staring while trying to appear that they weren't staring.

IP has opened my eyes to the fact that I like arts and crafts. I've been painting little wooden boxes and wooden plaques here. An inspirational quote I found (a proverb) that I painted was, "Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams".

Confined and controlled

According to my treatment time, I'm not allowed to have any passes.

I can understand not having any snack passes (I'm still not completeing meals, still struggling a lot), but they aren't giving me ANY at all. I don't understand. I'm not on bed rest, I'm somewhat stable medically (there are other more unstable people than me who get to go on passes. not FAIR!!!) and I have been pretty compliant with everything. I just feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. It's so frustrating to give up your power and have people - docs, nurses, 'the team' - decide all the tiny details of your life. They are responsible for granting my wish which is a simple desire to go out for 15 minutes for some fresh air.

I'm getting so sick of meal support people being inconsistent and the rules changing constantly. The trays come up late for meals then WE have to take the hit by mealtimes being cut short and having to drink the Boost replacements in 2 mins flat. Chug chug chug. I feel like this ball of anxiety is welling up inside me. I feel like I can't breathe.

Mealtime Stresses

I don't want visitors, I haven't seen my son since I dropped him off at daycare before being admitted here. I am finding it really hard to socialize with the girls here even though last time that was one of the best parts about being here - making connections.

This time I feel like an outcast. I don't connect with a lot of them. They've already formed close friendships before I got there. So I retreat to my room between groups and meals. I think I trigger one of the girls at the table. She keeps giving me the evil eye and when we talk about table rules she always points out things that I do that aren't 'following the rules'.

It doesn't help that I'm the only one replacing at every single meal and I can feel the pressure on me (real or imagined, I'm not sure) while the time ticks away on the clock. 30 mins for breakfast, 45 mins for lunch and dinner, 15 mins for snacks. Awkward silence takes on a whole new meaning. The silence as we wait for the nurse to check our trays, to count out how many servings we need to replace, to go and measure and pour out the Boost Plus and then the worst part: everyone sits and waits for me to sip up the thick, sugary, vanilla flavored liquid.

Nobody is very talkative at mealtimes because I guess we've got one huge thing on our minds and on the table: the food. I feel this huge wave of anxiety wash over me about halfway through the meal when I see how much is left of my plate in relation to the amount of time that's left.

I wish I understood why it's easier to replace with Boost than to just eat the food. It's probably the same number of calories food or replacement, so why can't I do the food? Why can't I just take normal bites? I'm not the newest person here yet my spot is still stuck right beside the nurse at the table. Just like last time, they're suspicious. Maybe I can't be trusted. I guess that would be pretty accurate to say.

I survived IP day 1

Day 1 is always the hardest. And I survived Day 1. Ya! Being pulled in all different directions by the nurses, psychiatrists, nutritionist, lab techs (blood), IV therapy, doctors, pharmacists... It took us 4 tries just go get through the initial intake interview because of all the interruptions.

I did OK today I think. Definitely less anxiety than during my last admission... but maybe that's due to the high dose of Serequel I took. Being my second time, I knew what to expect and I was already familiar with the environmemt. Not a lot has changed since the last time I was in, they have just become more strict with a bunch of rules.

Lunch was a bit stressful - the first meal I ate after being admitted - I didn't manage to eat everything on my meal plan at any meal, even though it is a pretty small meal plan, or so they say. I managed 1/2 piece of dry toast and the steamed broccoli. I have a feeling I will be soooo sick of Boost pretty soon. I am proud to announce: NO NG TUBE!!! Even if I can't eat "food-food" at least I'm drinking the Boost rather than tubed, right?

I didn't get a chance to talk to the nutritionist before I was admitted so she had ordered my trays for me and that probably added to the anxiety I felt, not knowing what would be on the tray ahead of time.

My Meal Plan (I estimate this to be about 1500-1800 cals)
B: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit
morning snack: none
L: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
afternoon stack: 1 item
D: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
eve snack: 1 item (cannot be fruit/veg)