This post is mostly in reponse to this post: Thank you for your honesty. I truly want people to be honest in their comments and I want people to be supportive. sometimes support means being brutally honest, but as usual, it's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it. I know that I am a less than stellar mother (I wholly admit that I'm a terrible mom!) and a not so great person overall. Maybe an ED is a really selfish disorder and maybe that makes ME really selfish too.
Sometimes I secretly wish I didn't have a son. I'm willing to give him to anyone who wants to watch him for a few hours of freedom. I look forward to work because I get some AWAY time from him. I do feel terrible for feeling this way, but I'm going to be honest. There's no use lying or pretending. I feel how I feel.
Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and I'm blessed to have such a loving and wonderful boy, but I'm under no delusions that any of this is healthy for him. The incredible push and pull between me and my mother, the intense fighting we engage in does not create a healthy environment. My son asked me the other day, "why does grandma hate you?" It's toxic.
I am not brave enough to kill myself and I'm not sure enough that I truly want to die. Some days I feel like that's the answer to everything but other days I can see a glimmer of light. It's days like those that flicker through my mind, behind my eyelids when I contemplate truly ending it all. I am so fucking indecisive that I can't even decide to die. I guess there are SOME positives to being indecisive. If I were a more impulsive person I would be dead by now. Instead, I live in a semi-alive/semi-dead state of constantly toeing the line between being dead and alive.
I'm afraid of walking this line for the next 40 years, if I live that long. I have no social life, I have no energy, but I'm not "sick enough" to be institutionalized. I'm close, but not quite. This has gotta be the worst place I've ever been. At least if I were "sick enough" I could resign myself to living in a hospital for a good long time, thus abdicating me of all responsibility. I might finally feel free. I'm a fucking mess in the head but I'm "high functioning" which often works against me.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
They're smarter than I think
I am THISCLOSE to being certified again.
I have gradually been evading my doctor's appointments. It's such a hassle to make the trek in to see them, often spending more time on the bus to and fro than in the appointment itself. I cancelled a few and when nobody said anything, I cancelled some more. Well, they've noticed now.
I got a phone call today which came loaded with a whole ton of appointments booked far into the future.
"Tia, you MUST see a doctor at least once a week. This is NOT an option. It is MANDATORY and if you do not come in voluntarily we will have to bring you in against your will." (or something along those lines). GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.
Grreeeat. I'm already trying to get the HR people at work off my back. I'm on the "attendance management" program and potentially the "disability management" program for all of the sick time I keep taking to go for appointments. I often think, they must think I’m lying. I mean, I don't 'LOOK' like I have an ED (to me anyway). I get super embarrassed feeling like they might be judging the validity of the reason for my appointments. Worse than that, I'm afraid they might think I’m just trying to skip out of work which is completely not true.
Running away the other day was like another nail in my coffin. Another reason for them not to trust me. I saw my T and while her reaction was indeed disappointment (as I had feared it would be), she still wants to work with me and she still believes in me. Sometimes I think she's the only one.
"There's a difference between giving up on someone and respecting someone's wishes. If you really don't want to recover, you are an adult now and I must respect your wishes - to a point - when it becomes a medical liability, that's a whole other ball game."
Ouch. That statement kinda stung. But… I needed to hear it. I keep wanting someone to save me, to convince me that recovery is worth it, but nobody can do that but me. The truth often is hard to hear.
I have gradually been evading my doctor's appointments. It's such a hassle to make the trek in to see them, often spending more time on the bus to and fro than in the appointment itself. I cancelled a few and when nobody said anything, I cancelled some more. Well, they've noticed now.
I got a phone call today which came loaded with a whole ton of appointments booked far into the future.
"Tia, you MUST see a doctor at least once a week. This is NOT an option. It is MANDATORY and if you do not come in voluntarily we will have to bring you in against your will." (or something along those lines). GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.
Grreeeat. I'm already trying to get the HR people at work off my back. I'm on the "attendance management" program and potentially the "disability management" program for all of the sick time I keep taking to go for appointments. I often think, they must think I’m lying. I mean, I don't 'LOOK' like I have an ED (to me anyway). I get super embarrassed feeling like they might be judging the validity of the reason for my appointments. Worse than that, I'm afraid they might think I’m just trying to skip out of work which is completely not true.
Running away the other day was like another nail in my coffin. Another reason for them not to trust me. I saw my T and while her reaction was indeed disappointment (as I had feared it would be), she still wants to work with me and she still believes in me. Sometimes I think she's the only one.
"There's a difference between giving up on someone and respecting someone's wishes. If you really don't want to recover, you are an adult now and I must respect your wishes - to a point - when it becomes a medical liability, that's a whole other ball game."
Ouch. That statement kinda stung. But… I needed to hear it. I keep wanting someone to save me, to convince me that recovery is worth it, but nobody can do that but me. The truth often is hard to hear.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Running from the doctors
Yesterday I caused a bit of a scene at group.
We were sitting in the waiting room before group and then when we got called in I stood up a little too quickly and felt dizzy, shaky and lightheaded so I was hanging onto the wall while walking. Dammit, when will I ever learn that I have to move slowly going from lying or sitting to standing because of the abnormal orthostatic blood pressure thing.
The group facilitator freaked out and made me sit down in a separate room and wanted me to see a doctor, ASAP. All the doctors in the building were gone for the day so I would have to either get someone to pick me up (no way in hell! I'm not inconveniencing someone for something that's really not an issue, since I get lightheaded all the time) or she would call an ambulance to take me to emergency just to get checked out (what an effing ordeal for nothing!) why do people blow things out of proportion all the time? Sometimes I think it's just to cover their asses so if something were to happen to me no one would come back at them for being irresponsible. She said she would not let me leave let alone drive home. "Not over her dead body".
Anyways, I told her to go ahead and get the group settled (they were all waiting in the group room). The moment she left, I bolted for the door. I ran to my car, heart pounding, jumped in and drove away. I know it was incredibly wrong but in the moment I felt so trapped. I am terrified of being certified back into the hospital, my rights and decision-making taken away from me. When that happened back in September 09 and I was in IP, it was one of the most traumatic things. I know that I'm not sick enough to be certified at the moment but still, any indication of that happening has me running for the door. Literally.
I bet the group leader told my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon). I've got knots in my stomach thinking about how I'm going to face her and what her reaction might be. Anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment. I think her being disappointed in me would be the worst of all because I respect her and I truly like working with her. I don't want her to give up on me like so many have before.
*I'm fine by the way, the dizziness went away as it always does*.
We were sitting in the waiting room before group and then when we got called in I stood up a little too quickly and felt dizzy, shaky and lightheaded so I was hanging onto the wall while walking. Dammit, when will I ever learn that I have to move slowly going from lying or sitting to standing because of the abnormal orthostatic blood pressure thing.
The group facilitator freaked out and made me sit down in a separate room and wanted me to see a doctor, ASAP. All the doctors in the building were gone for the day so I would have to either get someone to pick me up (no way in hell! I'm not inconveniencing someone for something that's really not an issue, since I get lightheaded all the time) or she would call an ambulance to take me to emergency just to get checked out (what an effing ordeal for nothing!) why do people blow things out of proportion all the time? Sometimes I think it's just to cover their asses so if something were to happen to me no one would come back at them for being irresponsible. She said she would not let me leave let alone drive home. "Not over her dead body".
Anyways, I told her to go ahead and get the group settled (they were all waiting in the group room). The moment she left, I bolted for the door. I ran to my car, heart pounding, jumped in and drove away. I know it was incredibly wrong but in the moment I felt so trapped. I am terrified of being certified back into the hospital, my rights and decision-making taken away from me. When that happened back in September 09 and I was in IP, it was one of the most traumatic things. I know that I'm not sick enough to be certified at the moment but still, any indication of that happening has me running for the door. Literally.
I bet the group leader told my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon). I've got knots in my stomach thinking about how I'm going to face her and what her reaction might be. Anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment. I think her being disappointed in me would be the worst of all because I respect her and I truly like working with her. I don't want her to give up on me like so many have before.
*I'm fine by the way, the dizziness went away as it always does*.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Out of control - Family gone to NY
**Trigger warning ** Talks about binging and purging and ED behaviors**
I feel like a teenager whose parents have gone away for the weekend. Queen of the house, able to do anything I want. Or to be as self-destrictive as possible.
My family's gone to New York for 10 days. So, I am home alone (with my son). Ever since they left on Thursday, it's been one big blur of b/p-ing. I have NEVER been so out of control with b/p before mainly because I haven't been able to logistically with someone always at home. They knew I did it but i still tried to do it discreetly. Now, there's no one to keep an eye on me. The house looks like a tornado went through it.
I can't focus on anything other than going from kitchen to bathroom again and again. I hate myself so much right now. The thing is, despite all the food I'm going through, I'm losing weight. I'm a little scared abour my next appointment with my treatment team. I'm afraid to do bloodwork because I'm sure things aren't looking so good on that front right now.
I've made a list of things to do to keep myself occupied - read, journal, watch TV, do homework, bake - to keep my mind off food, but it's NOT WORKING. Outside it's a gorgeous 60 degrees outside (15 deg C) and the sun is shining. I'm cooped up inside with the doors/windows closed and the curtains drawn, wasting food.
In the past 3 days I've gone through (among other things):
-7 bake at home pizzas
-2 A&W Papa Burgers
-2 loaves of white bread toasted with butter and jam
-2 bags chocolate almonds
-1 bag Costco sized salted kettle chips
-1 bag mini Caramilk easter eggs
-Yam Fries and Chipotle Mayo
-Poutine (fries with melted cheese curds and gravy)
I'm seriously hoping that the novelty of being home alone will wear off soon and this will come to an end. I'm getting so physically worn out and mentally, I'm hating myself for becoming this monster that I don't even recognize.
I feel like a teenager whose parents have gone away for the weekend. Queen of the house, able to do anything I want. Or to be as self-destrictive as possible.
My family's gone to New York for 10 days. So, I am home alone (with my son). Ever since they left on Thursday, it's been one big blur of b/p-ing. I have NEVER been so out of control with b/p before mainly because I haven't been able to logistically with someone always at home. They knew I did it but i still tried to do it discreetly. Now, there's no one to keep an eye on me. The house looks like a tornado went through it.
I can't focus on anything other than going from kitchen to bathroom again and again. I hate myself so much right now. The thing is, despite all the food I'm going through, I'm losing weight. I'm a little scared abour my next appointment with my treatment team. I'm afraid to do bloodwork because I'm sure things aren't looking so good on that front right now.
I've made a list of things to do to keep myself occupied - read, journal, watch TV, do homework, bake - to keep my mind off food, but it's NOT WORKING. Outside it's a gorgeous 60 degrees outside (15 deg C) and the sun is shining. I'm cooped up inside with the doors/windows closed and the curtains drawn, wasting food.
In the past 3 days I've gone through (among other things):
-7 bake at home pizzas
-2 A&W Papa Burgers
-2 loaves of white bread toasted with butter and jam
-2 bags chocolate almonds
-1 bag Costco sized salted kettle chips
-1 bag mini Caramilk easter eggs
-Yam Fries and Chipotle Mayo
-Poutine (fries with melted cheese curds and gravy)
I'm seriously hoping that the novelty of being home alone will wear off soon and this will come to an end. I'm getting so physically worn out and mentally, I'm hating myself for becoming this monster that I don't even recognize.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Doctor - confidentiality discussion
I talked to my doctor for 1 hour yesterday. He squeezed me into his busy schedule because I was so upset about the confidentiality thing. He assured me that he, personally, has never shared any of my info and would never do such a thing. He also said that my feelings are definitely valid and he was shocked that his staff would divulge any info. He also said they're going to crack down on training and remind everyone of the importance of NOT sharing info with unauthorized people.
The down side of all this is that my mom refuses to speak to me. She feels that I'm rejecting her because I got so upset about the whole thing. She thinks now the clinic will look at her negatively for asking for the info and she's embarassed about facing them in the future (she goes to the same dr. office as me). For my mom, it's all about appearances and the public's opinion of her. We could be screaming at each other in the car but the moment we get to our destination and there are other people around, it's all rosy and wonderful. The image of a picture perfect family. It drives me nuts. I wish we could just BE REAL and be allowed to be who we are - human.
I don't really have anything else constructive or important to say today. Just an observation and because I'm in a rambling mood.
Everything, including food, has its trends. A few years ago it was all about healthy eating, now it's moving into organic foods and then there's also this wave of nostalgic, high calorie/fat, "Fuck the health food" mindset that seems to glorify artery clogging foods all for the sake of 'whatever tastes good'. This new KFC Double Down sandwich is the perfect example. Instead of a bun it has 2 chicken patties which sandwich bacon and cheese in the middle. First of all, EW!!! Can you imagine even just holding this sandwich with its 2 deep fried chicken patties? Grease galore. Maybe we're going back to the Atkins days of no carbs, lol.
The other trend I cannot understand is BACON. Bacon in desserts and chocolate chip bacon cookies and bacon smores to name a few. My feeling is that people are rebelling against the healthy eating movement and embracing the return of FAT.
The down side of all this is that my mom refuses to speak to me. She feels that I'm rejecting her because I got so upset about the whole thing. She thinks now the clinic will look at her negatively for asking for the info and she's embarassed about facing them in the future (she goes to the same dr. office as me). For my mom, it's all about appearances and the public's opinion of her. We could be screaming at each other in the car but the moment we get to our destination and there are other people around, it's all rosy and wonderful. The image of a picture perfect family. It drives me nuts. I wish we could just BE REAL and be allowed to be who we are - human.
I don't really have anything else constructive or important to say today. Just an observation and because I'm in a rambling mood.
Everything, including food, has its trends. A few years ago it was all about healthy eating, now it's moving into organic foods and then there's also this wave of nostalgic, high calorie/fat, "Fuck the health food" mindset that seems to glorify artery clogging foods all for the sake of 'whatever tastes good'. This new KFC Double Down sandwich is the perfect example. Instead of a bun it has 2 chicken patties which sandwich bacon and cheese in the middle. First of all, EW!!! Can you imagine even just holding this sandwich with its 2 deep fried chicken patties? Grease galore. Maybe we're going back to the Atkins days of no carbs, lol.
The other trend I cannot understand is BACON. Bacon in desserts and chocolate chip bacon cookies and bacon smores to name a few. My feeling is that people are rebelling against the healthy eating movement and embracing the return of FAT.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Breach of Confidentiality
I am fuming, seething… soooo angry. There aren't even words to describe it. My blood pressure must have just shot through the roof. I have not felt this much emotion in a long time - it hit me so suddenly and now I have a terrible headache.
My mom called my doctor's office to find out about whether or not my Magnesium infusions had been set up with the hospital and they gave her the information over the phone. THEY GAVE HER THE INFORMATION about ME! What the hell happened to privacy laws and patient confidentiality? How the hell do they even know who she is on the phone? It could have be anybody calling. WTF… I am so angry that my information was not protected. I'm probably overreacting but I'm going to follow this through and report it to whatever authorities take care of these things.
My mom called me "the most vengeful person [she] knows". Maybe that is how it appears but those laws were put into place for a reason and all I’m doing is what's within my right as a patient seeking confidentiality.
In this case, I am not a harm to myself or a harm to anyone else so there is no legitimate reason my information should have been disclosed. I'm going to make damn sure it never happens again.
My mom called my doctor's office to find out about whether or not my Magnesium infusions had been set up with the hospital and they gave her the information over the phone. THEY GAVE HER THE INFORMATION about ME! What the hell happened to privacy laws and patient confidentiality? How the hell do they even know who she is on the phone? It could have be anybody calling. WTF… I am so angry that my information was not protected. I'm probably overreacting but I'm going to follow this through and report it to whatever authorities take care of these things.
My mom called me "the most vengeful person [she] knows". Maybe that is how it appears but those laws were put into place for a reason and all I’m doing is what's within my right as a patient seeking confidentiality.
In this case, I am not a harm to myself or a harm to anyone else so there is no legitimate reason my information should have been disclosed. I'm going to make damn sure it never happens again.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Alone with my ED
5 days until my family leaves for NY and I will be alone - just me and my son. I am so looking forward to it. The space will be truly welcomed as my mom and I fight like cats and dogs all the time.
I fear how out of control my eating disorder could potentially get. No one to watch me or keep me accountable. No one to say, "hey... that's not ok". As it stands, being alone even for 2 hours flicks a switch in my head that screams: Binge/Purge! What more 10 whole days? I know I can look after myself pretty much OK but in the back of my head I think, don't have a heart attack when you're home alone or else what will happen to Zach? (my 3 y/o son). I have a few extra appointments booked in during this time with my T and tx team. The passive agressive side of me wouldn't mind getting really ill while they're gone, sorta like an "eff-you for leaving me."
On the topic of treatment, I'm getting referred to Homewood in Guelph, Ontario, a 2-4 month IP program. It's something like $500/day but I think our basic medical plan might help out a bit depending on the doc's recommendations. I've never paid for treatment (other than individual therapy) before as I've been lucky to access the local & free prograns and hospitals, but now I'm feeling like it's not enough. I would love the chance to go to Renfrew or Remuda but that is WAY too expensive. Maybe I'n just biased because of the HBO documentary "Thin" (2006?) about Renfrew. There's also Mercy Ministries (free, 6 mo. program, locations in USA and Canada) but I'm a little leery because of its Christian focus.
During my OP hospital visit 3 days ago I ran into a friend from my Fall IP stay. She's back in IP. Immediately I felt like shit for not being in IP myself. I must not be thin enough/sick enough why am *I* out here and she's in there. I don't deserve to be healthier than her. Blah blah blah. All these thoughts flying a mile a minute. A touch of envy also flashed in my mind.
Isn't it ironic, I feel like being in an institution would be liberating. What kind of sick and twisted logic is that!? I would welcome the relinquishment of control for a little while, which tells you just how overwhelming my life is.
I fear how out of control my eating disorder could potentially get. No one to watch me or keep me accountable. No one to say, "hey... that's not ok". As it stands, being alone even for 2 hours flicks a switch in my head that screams: Binge/Purge! What more 10 whole days? I know I can look after myself pretty much OK but in the back of my head I think, don't have a heart attack when you're home alone or else what will happen to Zach? (my 3 y/o son). I have a few extra appointments booked in during this time with my T and tx team. The passive agressive side of me wouldn't mind getting really ill while they're gone, sorta like an "eff-you for leaving me."
On the topic of treatment, I'm getting referred to Homewood in Guelph, Ontario, a 2-4 month IP program. It's something like $500/day but I think our basic medical plan might help out a bit depending on the doc's recommendations. I've never paid for treatment (other than individual therapy) before as I've been lucky to access the local & free prograns and hospitals, but now I'm feeling like it's not enough. I would love the chance to go to Renfrew or Remuda but that is WAY too expensive. Maybe I'n just biased because of the HBO documentary "Thin" (2006?) about Renfrew. There's also Mercy Ministries (free, 6 mo. program, locations in USA and Canada) but I'm a little leery because of its Christian focus.
During my OP hospital visit 3 days ago I ran into a friend from my Fall IP stay. She's back in IP. Immediately I felt like shit for not being in IP myself. I must not be thin enough/sick enough why am *I* out here and she's in there. I don't deserve to be healthier than her. Blah blah blah. All these thoughts flying a mile a minute. A touch of envy also flashed in my mind.
Isn't it ironic, I feel like being in an institution would be liberating. What kind of sick and twisted logic is that!? I would welcome the relinquishment of control for a little while, which tells you just how overwhelming my life is.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The World Keeps Spinning
It is so embarrassing going into the lab every week for bloodwork. It's the same girls working there all the time. After > 1 year of doing this, most of them know me. Some of them are the same age as me. I've always hated that part of treatment: the med students and nurses and lab techs who are the same age or younger than me, making me feel even worse about being so stuck in my illness that i'm missing out on life. The longer I stay stuck, the further apart I will feel from the world as everyone continues moving on and growing up. The world won't stop for me to give me a chance to catch up. More and more I've been feeling that maybe I never will. I don't even know where to start. It's so daunting that I hardly dare to try.
It says right on my standing order card: Anorexia Nervosa. Every time I hand that card over I feel like whoever's reading it is going to judge me. ie. she's not skinny enough, how could SHE be anorexic, blah blah blah. They're subtle about it but I can see them inadvertantly giving my body a quick once-over when they read my diagnosis. It's almost like a business card, except instesd of the letters PhD. or M.A. (hah I wish), I have the letters A.N. lol.
It says right on my standing order card: Anorexia Nervosa. Every time I hand that card over I feel like whoever's reading it is going to judge me. ie. she's not skinny enough, how could SHE be anorexic, blah blah blah. They're subtle about it but I can see them inadvertantly giving my body a quick once-over when they read my diagnosis. It's almost like a business card, except instesd of the letters PhD. or M.A. (hah I wish), I have the letters A.N. lol.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Recovery Musings
I’ve never ever been able to really and truly recover. The word RECOVER makes me shudder to begin with. Recover what and from what? I am painfully aware that I can never recover those wasted years where my life was consumed with nothing more than calories and weights and numbers and mirrors? The eating disorder has become so much a part of me that I wonder what is me and what is the disorder. We've been living together for 15 out of 25 years. EDs change you and shape you and I'm sure it will always be there to some degree in my life. It might not be optimistic but I'm being honest when I say that my best hope is for me to be able to ignore the voices that I know will always be there. Being able to bat away the thoughts that flutter like butterflies all the time in my head.
So many of my friends and family members have already retreated and withdrawn their support unintentionally, to protect themselves and because they cannot stand to see me the way I am and continue to be year after year: sick and not getting better. Some friends have severed all connections, refusing to have me in their wedding party, not inviting me out because it's "too painful" for them. Others act like it doesn't exist although it's the elephant in the room.
I'm afraid to admit defeat by going IP again or by telling the truth when people ask "How is recovery going?". I just smile and say everything's fine. Deep down I wonder, what if I fail again? Who else will leave me and who am I going to disappoint? This fear keeps me from trying, keeps me perpetually stuck. If you don't try you can't really fail... or so it goes in my head.
I want to be more than this disorder. I want my son to grow up and be proud of his mother instead of end up abandoning me too when this gets to be too much for him to bear. I don't want him to ever blame himself for me being sick or to shoulder the burden of a sick parent. I want him to remember good times together and not to remember me being too weak and tired to do anything or to depressed to go anywhere with him. If this disorder does kill me I at least want him to see that I fought a good fight and didn't give up.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Failing miserably
The more you try not to think about something, the more you end up thinking about it.
I've been putting so much energy into trying NOT to purge that it ends up being on my mind constantly and I've thus been failing miserably at it.
I feel like such a failure (again) and I cancelled my T appointment 2 days ago because I couldn't face her. I feel like my last T gave up on me after 9 years of working together. She basically said that if I keep going like this I will die from my ED and unless I want to really change there's no point us continuing to work together. It was a huge slap in the face because I in fact DO want to change. I'm not sure I am ready to let go of the restricting part of my ED but I am sure as hell trying to stop the purging part.
Yes, I'm not ready to get 100% better but I'm ready to get a little bit better. I don't want my current T to see me as a hopeless case too. I have been sick for 15 years now, almost 16 years. I can't blame people for thinking I'm a lifer, however, it still stings when people give up on you.
Here's another reason I feel like shit. My ex just moved in with his new girlfriend yesterday. In the meantime, I am still single and nowhere near dating anyone let alone moving in with anyone. I have no desire to be with my ex at all - I think the smartest move I ever made was breaking up with him - but I feel left behind by everyone around me who leads normal lives. In some ways I envy the really sick ED girls who are locked up in institutions because at least they don't have to be present in the world and feel that loneliness of being left behind. Instead they are contained within the safe walls of a hospital, on a very predictable schedule, support 24/7, a place to feel safe in.
I've been putting so much energy into trying NOT to purge that it ends up being on my mind constantly and I've thus been failing miserably at it.
I feel like such a failure (again) and I cancelled my T appointment 2 days ago because I couldn't face her. I feel like my last T gave up on me after 9 years of working together. She basically said that if I keep going like this I will die from my ED and unless I want to really change there's no point us continuing to work together. It was a huge slap in the face because I in fact DO want to change. I'm not sure I am ready to let go of the restricting part of my ED but I am sure as hell trying to stop the purging part.
Yes, I'm not ready to get 100% better but I'm ready to get a little bit better. I don't want my current T to see me as a hopeless case too. I have been sick for 15 years now, almost 16 years. I can't blame people for thinking I'm a lifer, however, it still stings when people give up on you.
Here's another reason I feel like shit. My ex just moved in with his new girlfriend yesterday. In the meantime, I am still single and nowhere near dating anyone let alone moving in with anyone. I have no desire to be with my ex at all - I think the smartest move I ever made was breaking up with him - but I feel left behind by everyone around me who leads normal lives. In some ways I envy the really sick ED girls who are locked up in institutions because at least they don't have to be present in the world and feel that loneliness of being left behind. Instead they are contained within the safe walls of a hospital, on a very predictable schedule, support 24/7, a place to feel safe in.
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