The tension in here is rising, especially around mealtimes. That nice, comfortable setting I talked about before, well that's rapidly being eroded.
I am triggering to people. I have been told this directly. Why?
1) I eat too slowly
2) My bite sizes are too small
3) I push food around my plate
4) I replace at every meal
5) I use a teaspoon to eat instead of a regular sized spoon.
6) I break my crackers into little bits
Mind you, the meal support person has not called me out on a single thing and I'm sitting right beside her. I'm not trying to disobey the rules here, maybe I'm just not 100% conscious of what I'm doing to be triggering. Everyone does furtive, eD shit here. I'm not the only one. So why do I feel like I'm being singled out?
I have also been told that one girl here does not like me and I should stay away from her. This came as a complete shock to me - I have barely had any interaction with this person - definitely no negative interactions that I know of, so how could she possibly dislike me? The person who told me said she doesn't know exactly why I'm disliked, but she knows for sure that this is the case. I'm taken aback... It bothers me. It shouldn't... I shouldn't care who likes or doesn't like me because I'm supposedly in here for ME but it still gets to me. ESPECIALLY since she doesn't know me at all and doesn't have any grounds for not liking me. Literally less that 5 mins of conversation have happened between us.
In such a confined space with only 8 girls I wish everyone could just get along.
I could speculate on why she doesn't like you (you're winning the skinnier game, you're winning the most disordered game, etc...), but I honestly wouldn't take it too personally because, well, correct me if I'm wrong, but is an eating disorder not classified as a mental illness? Quite often also combined with a social anxiety type of disorder? What I am getting at is that you can't expect these girls to act like the more 'normal' people in your life. Not that all ED girls are so judgmental, and not that this excuses her behaviour. I don't really see how it's effective to put you girls together because none of you have a grasp on reality. Not that it's your fault, and maybe 'reality' isn't the right word. I think other illnesses are helped by having the support of others who are experiencing the same symptoms, but I just don't see how this is supposed to work. But I am not there to see how the rest of the program works, so I'm probably totally ignorant here. You have the strength to do this. You did it for your son when you were pregnant. Can you not do it again for yourself?
ReplyDeleteWhat Shannon said. Nobody in there is completely sound of mind (including the staff, I reckon), and we all know it's one big competition in the world of ED. Never mind the fact that confining a bunch of girls to a small space for an extended period of time will nearly always result in chaos!
ReplyDeleteYou are right in that you're in there for YOU; it's counter-productive to let the (real or perceived) judgements of others get in the way of your recovery. Not that it's easy - TRUST ME, I know what this is like. Remember me and my pacing?! Ugh.
All I can say is this: remain as honest as possible, with others and especially yourself. Live by this every single moment of every day, and when others come up against you, you can take pride in the fact that you're doing so. It's like how they say if you don't fall, you're not trying hard enough - in this case, you may not be perfect but at least you're being authentic.
Stay strong Tia - I feel a shift in you this time, for the better :).
In Finnish IP the eating rules are fairly strict.. If a nurse catches you taking too small bites, eating in order, cutting things in small pieces or breaking bread you're immediately being scold. Of course not every nurse is so strict and people secretly perform their ill habits. However, in here nobody's allowed to replace meals or eat with a smaller spoon.. If you don't finish up in time then the other patients may rise from the table and for "motivation" your permission to go out/participate in groups/therapy sessions/trips may be taken away until you'll eat in 30mins.
ReplyDeleteBut I know what you mean by being singled out.. I've been there myself a few times, I've annoy people with my "ill behaving" and because I'm not usually part of any girl cliques.. But trust me, they're not mean because of you but because they're ill and having it hard too. Usually when one sees someone else struggling they get "jealous" because they "have to" eat with larger spoon/take bigger bites/etc. Hang in there and take care of yourself, I'm sure that it'll be alright soon if the people have any sense of empathy in there. *hugs*
stay honest with your treatment team- because you are there to get better- your time is precious and they are professionals- I understand how hard it can be and frustrating but you can do this. You're there for a reason and your time there is so important.
ReplyDeletestay strong babe. I know you've got the strength
love x 10000
-Lisa
and sorry I've been so MIA...some personal shit that has kept me away from blogger
Focus on getting better and shut everything else out. Don't let the junior high behavior derail you. You are there for you alone, and to get better. This is your chance.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
ugh, I do not miss that treatment drama at all! I guess that my best advice it to focus on yourself and remind those girls to do the same! I mean, you are there because you have an eating disorder, and all those symptoms don't magically dissappear as soon as you are admitted. Normalization of eating habits takes time. I would agree with the other commentors and guess that you are triggering some jealousy and competition to be the "sickest".
ReplyDeleteAlso, it has been my experience that sometimes a girl will be singled out and ganged up on by others as a way to take the focuse of of what THEY are doing. Like, if they can keep the staff focused on your behaviors, they can fly under the radar.
Hang in there!
this is too bad.. ive been hospitalized where there has been a lot of drama, and it can really exacerbate the stress and pressure. i hope things get a little better as time passes. i wish you the best!
ReplyDelete