I had honest-to-god 100% good intentions to stay on track with my meal plan during my long (4hr) pass on the weekend. Then the moment I got out of the hospital, I fucked up. I purged. It was as though my brain clicked into "habit" mode and it was a train-wreck heading for disaster. I thought I could do this. I really believed in myself.
On the ward I was doing so well. Under controlled, supervised conditions, I can do this. With freedom comes fear. Everything slipped through my fingers like sand all within moments.
i know the feeling. in hospital i get renourished and become motivated and think 'this is it, this time's the last time' and then as soon as i'm out i crash. it's a hard experience to not be able to trust oneself to do what's right. but you're making progress. maybe your next long pass will be diferent....you can make it different.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't "fuck up," you just let your guard down. I know the feeling all too well: like you said, the hospital feels so safe, and it's 100% controlled. You sail along, adjusting to life-in-a-box, all the triggers removed for you. Then you're let out of the box and everything hits you all at once - stimuli, triggers, and emotions from both within you and without - how can you be expected to cope in a positive way having gone from one extreme to the other?
ReplyDeleteTake this experience and learn from it - what could you do differently next time in order to prevent a slip-up? Try and recognize feelings that come up on your passes rather than automatically trying to push them away using ED behaviours. How else could you cope? Even if you can delay using those behaviours, it's a start, right?!
Tia, maybe you should consider long-term treatment. It may be the only way to save yourself. For the record you are worth it. You are also capable of changing. You have such a golden opportunity right now given you've been in IP and have got your thinking a bit clearer to make some changes for yourself. Please don't let this moment pass. Please reach out for all the support you can possibly get your hands on to make the progress you've made not only last but turn into even better progress.
ReplyDeletexo
Can you try to use the frustration of "fucking up" on your recovery as motivation not to do it again? The next time you want to revert to bad habits maybe remember how crappy you felt from purging.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Cat above.. please reach out for all the support you can get!
I also agree with Cat...I think long-term treatment might be your only answer. This continuous in-and-out of IP doesn't seem to be working for you. You need strong recovery tools to keep you from relapsing once you are out of treatment, and IP just isn't the place to get those tools.
ReplyDeletePlease think about it. You are worth it!!!
*Hugs*