Signs I know I'm slipping:
I start to push my meals back later and later in the day, procrastinating, only getting around to eating at 5 PM.
I become more obsessive about everything. Both food and non food related.
I develop rituals and become irritable.
I start to eat candy instead of "real food".
Some days my only source of calories is pure hard candy. Because it feels safe. Because I don't feel "full" and "bloated" when I eat candy. I don't understand how candy could be a safe food - full of sugar, carbs, calories - but somehow my mind has accepted it so I'll just go with it I guess.
I ran into my doctor in the parking lot today. I have been avoiding him. He seemed very concerned and kept trying to get me to book an appointment. I don't see the point. He's not specialized in ED's, but he's known me since I was 9 years old, so I can understand his concern. He's a really really great man, very genuine and truly caring. He's also my son's doctor. I just wish he knew how to help me more, but then again, maybe nobody does. Not even 'the experts'.
You have to want and accept help. It isn't a matter of the drs knowing what to do. Pick yourself back up and get back on track a little step at a time. Do it for YOU and for your son, you deserve more, you are depriving yourself of so much. Regret is the only thing that will come of it. All the best to you...
ReplyDeleteYou know, candy is "safe" for me, too. It's kind of relieving to know that someone else has the same neuroses ;). I think, like you said, it's the fact that I don't feel full after eating it...like if I don't feel full, then I haven't eaten too much...or something.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, hang in there. I'd like to say all these inspiring things, tell you you can do it (which you can, btw!), but the truth is, no amount of pushing yourself is going to help until YOU'RE ready, until you come to it naturally. Even in my lowest periods, I always said "it'll happen on its own." People would tell me I was gonna die, that I'd never recover, that I needed to do this, that, or the other, but honestly, the only way I've ever made progress is by taking the hand of that invisible force that guides me and blindly following. Not that it's been easy, but that said, it just feels "right." As opposed to the hospital, where nothing feels that way. Life cannot and should not be controlled - contrary to both ED and the hospital's belief. (Funny how our illness and the place that's trying to rid us of it both use the same tactics, only one makes us ill and the other quote-on-quote better. Huh...)
Take care of yourself...
vanessa
Tia you should really accept help. Well, i guess you really really have to want it badly first. It took me so long to realize that i needed help and when i did get help, i was so glad. My ED brainwashed me into thinking that i didn't need help and i continued on with my horrible eating habits. I hope you get help, you'll make your son so proud.
ReplyDeleteTake care
-Danielle
They know how to help you. You have to let them help you. Ultimately it is YOU who has to do the work to get better. Not them.
ReplyDelete