It's so hard for me to hear the words "good job" or "I can see you're trying really hard" from my treatment team. I saw my therapist today who I haven't seen in 3 weeks (due to her holidays, my IP, etc). She said she received good feedback from the hospital regarding my hospitalization. Compared to my last admission where I fought all the staff tooth and nail over every little thing, this time I was much more compliant and much less defiant. Maybe they see it as progress, but I just see it as my will, my spirit being eroded due to tiredness and apathy. Not due to a change in mental perspective.
Instead of hearing her words as good and genuinely positive feedback, I got offended by it. I felt like all of a sudden I had to watch every word and every action, like I'm a performer who has to please her audience. It angered me so much. (and now i'm angry at myself for getting angry at people for nothing all the time).
I just have something cute I had to share:
Today as I was putting my son to bed, he turned to me spontaneously and said, "Mommy, you are the most beautiful daisy in the world."
... If only I were truly the beautiful person he sees... :(
You are the beautiful person he sees. You just need to see it.
ReplyDelete{{{Hugs}}}
i relate to this a lot. My therapist and I have had it out many times because I take any positive feedback or comments that I'm doing better as offensive, as something bad. why is it so hard to admit when we do something good for ourselves, or that we've taken a small step? I hope you can acknowledge it, and know that it doesn't take away from the struggle. it doesn't mean everyone thinks you're all better or even doing great. I've had a lot of fears that my treatment team will stop caring if i'm not in constant crisis, that if I do better in one aspect that i don't need help and am fine. you know that's not the case, that this is a long road. your treatment team knows this too.
ReplyDeleteTia you are the beautiful person he sees! Your son sees YOU and nothing else. And some day you will realize that too.
ReplyDeleteI had a psychiatrist (not at SPH) once compliment me on gaining two pounds while I was IP for refeeding, and I just about fell off my chair. Not, "How do you feel about it?" or anything like that, but "Congratulations!"
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to be told that we are doing well I think because it's always a struggle and it's hard to see what comes next after "doing well". Will you still be there to help me when you think I am "all better"?