I wonder if social situations make me anxious because of the ED or if I would be nervous regardless of ED. I wonder if I hide behind this disorder to avoid being in these situations. I used to be able to fake it, nobody could tell that I was uncomfortable because I hid behind the alcohol at social gatherings. I counted on everyone else getting drunk and therefore their vision/perception/memory being blurred. I also used my cheap-drunkenness to dull my jittery nerves.
I have not had alcohol for almost 4 years now. My son is 3 1/2. I (obviously) didn't drink when I was pregnant and then even after having him I didn't drink much. They I started down the weight loss path and ever since then I have been terrified of liquid calories, including alcohol calories. I wish I were normal enough to still be able to rationalize in my head keeping down the 67 cals in a shot of rum or vodka. Not letting it freak me out. Then I could calm my nerves and maybe even enjoy myself.
It's my best friend's birthday celebration tomorrow. Dinner & Drinks at a bar. I have been trying to psych myself up into going. I know I have to go out of obligation and I want to go too. I want to enjoy myself but it's 24 hours before the celebration and I *already* feel the apprehension of dealing with people, smiling on the outside when all I want to do is curl into a ball in my bed. I feel like such a loser.
I know that some people who are going tomorrow are going to be curious about me, about the hospital, about what I look like in person now since it's been a few years since I've seen them (outside of Facebook). A lot of this is probably in my head, but I also feel like a bug under a microscope. Will I measure up? Will I be thin enough? healthy enough? acceptable?
one thing i am sure, and that is you will be thin enough for your friends. another thing im sure of, is that they probably dont care how much you weigh, just that you are healthy :)
ReplyDeletei used to hide behind the same things when i was out, i used to drink all the time.. not anymore though.. it is a waste of my time and money. i drink 3 drinks, spend 40 dollars, what do i get? tripping over everything, falling asleep within minutes and im sick the next day. not worth almost 50 bucks.. lol
i think you should challenge yourself. have that ONE drink. Go to the scary place.
ReplyDeleteit's worth it. i promise.
let me know how it goes!
I agree with the post above, try to have one drink and see how it goes (unless you know one drink is bad -- I also quit drinking for the most part, and if I take a drink, anymore, I get the shakes worse than ever before and feel like a freak -- if that's the case with you, or even if you just don't want to drink, most people understand a simple "No thank-you" or "I've given up drinking" etc).
ReplyDeleteI do hope you can have a good time though! I feel the same way sometimes in these situations... it's so much easier to not go, you know, and then you usually get there and are glad you went. By best friend called me last week with the same type of predicament (minus the ED) so that makes AT LEAST three of us who think that way (she was wondering whether or not to go out with other friends, not me). Not to mention, I'll use my friend as an example here, this happens to people without EDs who have always been really social and outgoing. Just remind yourself of this, everyone feels this way at some point, so you're not the only one with apprehensions.
I totally sympathize with you about the whole being under the microscope sort of deal though. I've never been open to world about my ED but, even so, people start to get curious about whether or not you'll be thinner when they see you next etc. The worse scenario that comes to mind was going to a friend's bachelorette party where I knew the sister of my ex-boyfriend (who I broke up with pretty much because of the ED) would be there. It turned out to be a good time. If you know you're being watched, you can either: A. Don't give anyone any reason to watch and just be like everyone else, or B. Give them a reason to watch (you might guess that I'm devious at times and choose B in the under-the-microscope situations -- except I've never offered any hint of ED).
I hope you have a great time :)
PS> I'm sure your friends will think you're thin, but you also don't want to be too thin and scare them into one of those "intervention" type conversations... I'd tend to dress with that in mind (bring a jacket or something in case)
Hey I think your friends will be concerned about you. You don't have to tell them anything you aren't comfortable sharing.
ReplyDeleteYou also don't have to drink alcohol if it makes you uncomfortable. A few flags went up for me when I read your post- that you've used alcohol in the past to feel more comfortable in social situations in the past, using it to calm anxiety, and if your body isn't being nourished adequately alcohol can really screw around with your electrolytes (speaking from experience on that one- never fun being taken to the hospital by ambulance).
Anyway, take it for what its worth.
Social anxiety surely does blow. :(
ReplyDelete