Today has been really tough. I don't know why.
I couldn't bring myself to eat anything before 1pm when finally I had some clear broth. Then the feeling of fullness triggered me to purging. After that I was weak/shaky/drained so I took a nap until 5pm.
I lay in bed for 1 hour trying to sort things out in my head. Eat, don't eat, what to eat, if I eat I might feel full again and then purge then that would be worse than not eating in the first place. I had such a hard time getting out of bed, I just wanted to lay there and never leave.
Finally the logical, practical Tia won over and I went downstairs to steam some broccoli for dinner. The whole time, the battle raged on - "it's not too late, you can still forgo dinner" vs. "you need to eat something because that's what people do. eat."
I ate the broccoli. Then promptly freaked out and purged. Now I'm back at square one. Maybe I should just go to bed, try again tomorrow.
I have been there and I truly feel for you. I know it sounds impossible, but sitting through that uncomfortable feeling after you eat is the only way things will change. There isn't really a way around it. Have you seen the "ocd project" on VH1, where the people with ocd have "exposure therapy" to face their fears, and they have to do it without doing their rituals? It's kind of like that. It sucks at first but then it gets easier. I had times after meals where I just cried and cried and hyperventalated and all that. I'm not saying its easy. But I don't see how you can get better without facing it.
ReplyDeleteI know it doesn't feel like it, but you CAN do it!
Thanks lisa. I needed to hear that. I just wonder if there's a way to sit thru the discomfort in a non ip setting
ReplyDeleteIs there someone who could sit with you? Maybe a friend, even someone who is a little farther along in recovery and knows what it is like? Maybe you could start with one small meal and work at it?
ReplyDeleteI used to have a friend who I called on the phone when I felt like that. It helped a lot. She never had an ED, but somehow was the most understanding person. We'd talk about all sorts of things, namely running, and it was just happy and took my mind off of things.
ReplyDeleteI'd also highly suggest just immediately going to sleep afterward. That was a HUGE help to me. Laying down makes you feel better usually, for one, and sleeping makes it easier too. Don't know if I'd recommend this or not, but I used to try to eat A LOT and then take sleeping pills to knock myself out. It might not be the best idea, but it really helped me to get through that re-feeding time with the awful feelings. Other than that, it just sucks. You sit and cry because you're trying so hard actually eating and yet you're still not normal. I hated that so much, and if not for your post, I wouldn't even remember that I went through it! You are going to be that way too someday, I just know it. You can get past this and be healthy and happy and you won't remember this anymore either. In the meantime ((hugs)) I'm so proud of you for eating, even if you couldn't keep it down, because that is the first step, and often the hardest.
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteI just discovered your blog and have been catching up on your last posts. I'm so sorry that you've been having a rough time, but I know that you are strong, even if you get down sometimes.
I totally sympathize with you about how intolerable a full stomach feels when you're used to emptiness in your mid-section. Something that helps me (and prevents me from purging) is having activities ready for me to do after I eat. When I'm feeling full and want to distract myself, I color, draw, do yoga, walk, watch a movie, or blog. Before I know it, I have digested a bit and feel better.
Stay strong! Tomorrow is a new day, and I know that you can make healthy decisions! I am new to the blogging community and have loved connecting with others who are in recovery from an eating disorder. I look forward to following your journey!
-Emily
Keep trying Tia and know that there are people supporting you.
ReplyDeletei agree with the above commenters, having a distraction, whether its a movie, drawing, playing with your son, calling a friend, etc.. might help get through that first couple of hours after eating.. that might help :)
ReplyDeletekeep trying girl.. you can do it!