Today is a fat day. I look at myself in disgust. How can others who are normal sized or bigger be happy. They look so content and they allow themselves to be happy even at a normal weight. This kind of thinking is so foreign to me. I wonder what it is like not to hinge your entire existence on weight.
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That would be to live without an eating disorder. You are so much more than your weight and what you look like. I wish you could see all the wonderful qualities you possess and focus on those.
ReplyDeleteI am at what I guess is a normal weight and I am not super-thrilled about my body. But even when I was underweight I STILL didn't like my body. To be honest, most days my body anxiety isn't any worse than it was when I was actively anorexic, which is kind of suprising to me.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I fantasize about losing a bunch of weight, but then I think "why bother?". Why would I want to put myself through that so I can end up weak, sick, and still unhappy with my body?
Lisa - I hope that my post didn't come across the wrong way - that I'm judging people who are normal weight or anything like that. You are totally right about still disliking my body at an extremely low weight and hwo that body hatred never goes away. thanks for reminding me of that.
ReplyDeleteMelanie - Thank you. You are a true encourager.
It is hard to hinge happiness or okay-ness with weight; but it's not even really hinged on that, if you think about it. there's no weight you are happy at when consumed by an eating disorder. and "fat days" aren't even dependent upon your actual weight, but your mood/state of mind. i guess that's why when you truly achieve happiness in life it has nothing to do with anything external.
ReplyDeletemy kids were being crazy and I didn't get to finish my train of thought. I think what I was getting at is that I'm guessing that being at a healthy weight for you might be less traumatic then you think, especially given that you are you are underweight and still "feel" fat. Also, it's amazing what proper nutrition can do for depression and anxiety!
ReplyDeleteNo, I didn't take your post to mean that you are judging people of a normal weight. Believe me, I have had the exact same thoughts when I was really sick. I couldn't imagine ever living day in and day out at a normal weight. Yet here I am.
I guess what I am trying to say is, sometimes the things that Anorexia tells you are scary aren't so bad.
ED is the only one who thinks that your self-worth is defined by your weight, and he will whisper that in your ear all day long if you let him. Tia is most beautiful when she is healthy, and her self-worth knows no size or shape. Tia is beautiful because she is strong and cares for the amazing body that she is living in.
ReplyDeleteI know that it's easier said than done, but take it one day at a time in saying NO to ED's way of thinking.
-Emily
Here's something to think about when you're having a fat day. Ask yourself- do i have my period? If the answer is no, then you're not fat. I know it's weird but it kinda helps me. And what also helps me is recognizing "the voice" aka, the eating disorder voice. I know whenever i start to count calories or argue with myself whether or not i should eat something or call myself fat then i know that's the eating disorder talking. If you stop listening to it, then you really do start to get better. That's true for me anyway.
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