Medical appointments are like the ticking, whirring clock of my life. Everything revolves around my appointments. Which hospital, which doctor, what therapist, what group... those are the first things that get inked into my calendar. Everything else must fit between those gaps. Sometimes I get sick of spending all this time being poked and prodded at and questioned to death, but underneath it all, I would be terrified NOT to have any appointments to go to. For example, living without therapy is a completely foreign concept to me.
Being Anorexic, the girl who's always in treatment, the girl who always has "special exemption" from doing stuff for medical reasons, the emaciated girl, the girl who's always in therapy... that's the only "me" that I know for certain. That's the only constant identity I have had all these years. In some ways I have never grown up past the time I first got sick - age 10. Even though I am a "functioning" adult - I got a degree, I'm still doing more school, I work full-time, I am a mother - there are still traces of the little girl who never grew up. I throw tantrums, I don't cope well with a lot of things, I never really LIVED my growing up or teenage years. I was too busy being sick.
That hopeless, fragile shell of a person was what I knew, was all that I thought I had to offer this world whose idea of a beautiful woman is an emaciated woman. And now I'm 25 years old. I envy other women because they are WOMEN and they have embraced their womanhood, curves, femininity. They are real, vibrant, and beautiful. I want this for myself but I'm scared. What if the Tia I discover does not fill me the way my anorexic self did? What if I can't find anything else to be good at? What if I no longer can use being sick as an excuse for things that make me unhappy?
I hope you trust your therapist enough to share this with her. I think the "identity" of anorexia is one thing that might be keeping you sick.
ReplyDeleteI am really worried for you. I wish you could get some realy intensive, long term treatment. More than the few days you spent
IP last year. Some place where you can be restored physically, and get some hardcore therapy so you can really get the upper hand.
Hugs
I want to thank you for your honesty in posting this because it hit SO unbelievably close to home with me in so many ways. I am totally right there with you and it's THESE thoughts and feelings and identity that are continuing to keep us sick...
ReplyDeleteI agree completely with everything Lisa said. I am worried about you too girly, and we need to find a way to get you back into an IP facility. Weight restoration is so important because when you are so underweight you cognitive mind is not able to think well AT ALL and process therapy effectively, you know?
I am here for you if you ever need to talk or vent! I am praying for you and stay strong and keep believing in yourself!