3 events this weekend:
1) Chinese New Year
2) Valentine's Day
3) 2010 Winter Olympics in my very own city
There's so much activity going on in this city right now it makes me feel even more alone and apart from everyone. Watching them celebrate, eat, be NORMAL while I grow more and more aware of how uncomfortable I feel in my own skin and its paralyzing effect on me. For God's sake, the olympics are at right here at my doorstep. People from all over the world travelled miles to Vancouver and I have the luxury of living right here, but I didn't do a damn thing this weekend.
I did have the opportunity to go out with friends but I couldn't drag myself out of the house. Instead I spent 4 hours straight bingeing and purging. From junk food to frozen pizza to extravagant dishes. Everything in the house is gone, no food is safe around me. I'm disgusting. Wasting food when people are starving, shutting myself up in the house into the shadows and out of the light.
Exhausted, dizzy and shaky, I crawled into bed and took a 5 hour nap - I couldn't believe it. My body must have been so sleep deprived. Let me tell you, it felt amazing. That was the highlight of this weekend. I want to want to get better, but I'm still so ambivalent most of the time. This is not a life, rather it's a helf life. If I an doomed to living the rest of my life like this, I'd rather die.
:(
ReplyDeleteaw hun i am so sorry to hear that you had a rough weekend, to say the least. you are NOT disgusting, please believe me when i say that. you have a disease, one that is currently taking over your life. you deserve so much better than this,b ut it's not your fault and there is nothing wrong with who you are. i pray that things get better soon. you're not alone, i can't even begin to tell you how many holidays/fun things i've misesd out on because i was at home alone with my ED either starving or binging and purging my brains out and then feeling like hell afterward.
ReplyDeleteIt's scary how much this tortures us, and yet it seems unthinkable to let it go.
ReplyDeleteIt's so lonely to be on the outside, watching everyone enjoy themselves when you don't have the energy or room in your brain for anything else. Even if you aren't ready to let go of ED, at least you don't want to live like this. That's something to hold onto, even if it doesn't feel like it now. I know for myself that I feel stuck; wanting to throw up my hands and let in help, but not allowing myself to let go of my ed. but some days push me closer to saying "enough; nothing is worth this hell." I hope that you get even just glimmers of rationality where you can see that you don't deserve any of this; no one does.