How is it that I manage to be such a terrible daughter all the time?
I constantly disappoint my mom, cause her so much pain and sadness and ruin all family get togethers. All she does is love me but her love is suffocating me. I know I am the reason our family is dysfunctional. They say I'm selfish and manipulative... and that everything's always gotta be about me. Me me me. Then on the other hand my treatment team says to work on my self esteem and to standing up for myself and my needs. They say I don't ask for what I want enough of the time. Well, what the hell am I supposed to believe when these are 2 completely opposite points of views about me? Can they both be right?
Tonight's big fight resulted from the Valentine's gift my mom gave me. I should have just smiled and thanked her but instead I tried to approach her about the effect the gift had on me. She got me chocolate. Not a few pieces of chocolate, but 3 huge boxes. No kidding - 1 box of turtles, a box of toblerone and a box of Lindt hearts. OMG. To an anorexic/bulimic that's like handing them a loaded gun. I was so shocked and hurt that she'd give me such a thing. It felt like she was totally dismissing the fact that I have an ED and trivializing it. You wouldn't give an alcoholic a case of beer, so why would you give a bulimic a shit-load of chocolate? She tells me to stop purging cold turkey and then gives me a huge trigger food... I don't get it. I still wish I had bitten my tongue and just given the chocolate away. I feel like an ungrateful bitch.
The broccoli I ate for dinner is sitting like a rock in my stomach. God, I better go to sleep before I engage in some more self-destructive behaviors. This morning I was spitting blood... this is getting insanely out of control and for once even *I* can see that living like this is NOT normal.
Ugh.... first of all, I'm sorry your mom gave you that for V-day. I would think a sweater or something TOTALLY not food related would have been much more appropriate considering. :( I'm sorry that she didn't/doesn't understand that, and I'm sorry that it didn't go well when you tried to explain (for what I'm sure has to feel like the millionth time). It really seems like your mom WANTS you to be well, and so she tries to act as though you are...as though acting will make it so.
ReplyDeleteI know the two opposing views of who are you seem very odd, but I think that both sides may be a bit right. On the one hand, your self-esteem is dangerously low -- you have trouble seeing the very real value you have as a person, as a woman, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, as a mom, as a dedicated employee (though I think that one's easier for you -- not too surprising, since it's not an intimate relationship). You don't see how beautiful you are on the inside and the outside, and you don't have faith in yourself that your value remains constant, sick or well.
And because all of this good self-esteem is missing (or buried), I think that sometimes you must come off to those close to you as pretty self-centered. Because THEY see your value, and they see how much you have to offer if you could only get well and continue to live a healthy, productive, well-rounded life. They probably don't understand much about how your head works, and so to them the "choice" that you're making to remain sick looks extremely selfish.
And so the vicious cycle continues... because they put you down, you stop being able to ask for what you need, your much-needed self-esteem sinks lower, you become more focused on yourself as a means of survival, they see you as self-involved and me-centric and accuse you of such, you feel like a baby daughter/sister/friend/etc. and get sicker to prove your value, etc.
At least that's the way it looks from the outside.....
I wish I had suggestions for you -- but I would just say to try to trust your treatment team. Even if they disagree with your family... they are the ones trained to understand more of what you're going through.
And try also to trust yourself. You are a GOOD person, T -- and even if your mom says and does things that hurt, I can bet, as a mom myself (and you can probably relate, too!) that she loves you SO much and she's just completely lost at how to deal right now.
At some point you have to stop blaming and accept your mom for who she is...shortcomings and all. Accept, move on, love.
ReplyDeleteHappily - Thank you for your really thoughtful response. It made a lot of sense, especially helping me to sort out the opposing points of view. it helps me understand her a lot better by your comment that "acting as if" might make it so that I am actually better. You're so insightful and wise.
ReplyDeleteShane - I am not blaming her for being sick. I just think there are certain things that you can do to either help a person or condone/enable their disorder. The chocolate was NOT helpful.
you're not a terrible daughter, you're a daughter who is having a really hard time with a powerful illness. please don't beat yourself up and make yourself feel even worse than you already do!
ReplyDeleteGeez. i get the very same opposing views, from my family and from my psychiatrist...so, what are we supposed to do? Once, when i had just gotten out of the Psych ward, i got a letter from my mom calling me a monster and saying i was hurting my husband and son soooo much. Like i didn't already know that and i needed more HORRIBLE guilt to deal with.....swell.
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