Last night was the worst night ever in terms of binging and purging. Or, perhaps I should say binging but NOT purging. It's like my stomach had a mind of its own and decided that it would not let me bring anything up. I was in so much pain, pain and discomfort like I have never felt before but no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much hot water I drank, jumped around, every trick I knew in the book, nothing would come up. I thought my stomach was going to explode.
I am usually OK purging any food. Some people have problems with chocolate or bready things (like pizza) but not me. Except for last night. I think it was the doughnut holes that did me in and refused to come back up. I swear right now - I am never eating another doughnut.
After (honest to god) 2 hours of trying, finally, relief. I bet I ended up digesting a bunch, but by that point, I was so exhausted I just wanted to be over. I finally crawled into bed at 4AM, throat raw, eyes pulsating and heart beating a mile a minute. I don't want it to be like this. I can't keep on like this and if I do, the only way to go will be downhill. Our bodies were not made to throw up daily so why oh why is it so difficult to stop!?
When I really think about it, b/p is a strange addiction. At least if you are addicted to alcohol or drugs, you get a high from it - aka. some kind of enjoyment - but I don't know anyone who ENJOYS purging, or ENJOYS sticking their head in the toilet.
oh, this sounds so awful! I remember times like these! I still struggle with eating and purging, but not like i used to when I had those big awful binge/purge sessions that went on for hours.
ReplyDeleteI so wish you could go to a really good treatment program! I really worry that something bad will happen to you if you don't stop soon, and I fear you are at the point where stopping on your own seems unlikely. I am NOT saying there is no hope, there is always hope. I just think you need more support with the behaviors right now, so you can be safe and work on the issues underneath.
Please take care and be safe!
i may not enjoy the actual process of purging, but i sure as hell enjoy the distraction from my feelings, the release, and the empty feeling after...there is a benefit somewhere, otherwise we wouldn't do it.
ReplyDeletereading your post really struck me....I feel the same. As disgusting as it seems to everyone else, there is something about it that leads me back time after time. It is a release, a distraction, a numbness....but why do we choose this? that is the part I do not understand.
ReplyDelete