The outside world on a pass

I miss my bones.
The one thing that gives me peace of mind amidst all this weight gain is that I don't have my period back. It has now been 2.5 years since I stopped getting it. I don't mind. I don't want to have any more children anyway.

Mealplan increase - more Boost at every meal, since I'm having such a hard time with the actual food but I can deal with the Boost. I'm so full after every meal. The food just sits there in my stomach and even 2 hours after the meal I can feel it there. After lunch the food doesn't get a chance to move down before I know it, it's snack time and then dinner. It feels like I can't breathe from the anxiety of it and the physical reality that my torso is experiencing a loss of space due to the food.

I got a surprisingly long pass yesterday - 2.5 hours to spend with my son in the park. I was pretty anxious before the pass because I have only seen him two times in the past couple of weeks and I didn't know how he would react to me. I also remembered being so overwhelmingly exhaused by looking after him in the past, so that piece caused some anxiety too for sure. Today I expended more energy playing in the park and chasing after Zach than I have since the beginning of IP where all I've done is walk 10 feet from the kitchen to my room and back.

The pass went smoothly, but there's still a big ball of anxiety in me around looking after my son. I'm terrified of the physically draining effect it has on me but at the same time I'm overcome with guilt at even THINKING that I wouldn't want to spend 100% of my time devoted to him. I also got lots of looks from other parents at the park. Typical of people being curious, they glanced at me, saw my still somewhat bony appearance, glanced at the hospital band and the IV saline lock still in my arm and then kept staring while trying to appear that they weren't staring.

IP has opened my eyes to the fact that I like arts and crafts. I've been painting little wooden boxes and wooden plaques here. An inspirational quote I found (a proverb) that I painted was, "Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams".

Confined and controlled

According to my treatment time, I'm not allowed to have any passes.

I can understand not having any snack passes (I'm still not completeing meals, still struggling a lot), but they aren't giving me ANY at all. I don't understand. I'm not on bed rest, I'm somewhat stable medically (there are other more unstable people than me who get to go on passes. not FAIR!!!) and I have been pretty compliant with everything. I just feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. It's so frustrating to give up your power and have people - docs, nurses, 'the team' - decide all the tiny details of your life. They are responsible for granting my wish which is a simple desire to go out for 15 minutes for some fresh air.

I'm getting so sick of meal support people being inconsistent and the rules changing constantly. The trays come up late for meals then WE have to take the hit by mealtimes being cut short and having to drink the Boost replacements in 2 mins flat. Chug chug chug. I feel like this ball of anxiety is welling up inside me. I feel like I can't breathe.

Mealtime Stresses

I don't want visitors, I haven't seen my son since I dropped him off at daycare before being admitted here. I am finding it really hard to socialize with the girls here even though last time that was one of the best parts about being here - making connections.

This time I feel like an outcast. I don't connect with a lot of them. They've already formed close friendships before I got there. So I retreat to my room between groups and meals. I think I trigger one of the girls at the table. She keeps giving me the evil eye and when we talk about table rules she always points out things that I do that aren't 'following the rules'.

It doesn't help that I'm the only one replacing at every single meal and I can feel the pressure on me (real or imagined, I'm not sure) while the time ticks away on the clock. 30 mins for breakfast, 45 mins for lunch and dinner, 15 mins for snacks. Awkward silence takes on a whole new meaning. The silence as we wait for the nurse to check our trays, to count out how many servings we need to replace, to go and measure and pour out the Boost Plus and then the worst part: everyone sits and waits for me to sip up the thick, sugary, vanilla flavored liquid.

Nobody is very talkative at mealtimes because I guess we've got one huge thing on our minds and on the table: the food. I feel this huge wave of anxiety wash over me about halfway through the meal when I see how much is left of my plate in relation to the amount of time that's left.

I wish I understood why it's easier to replace with Boost than to just eat the food. It's probably the same number of calories food or replacement, so why can't I do the food? Why can't I just take normal bites? I'm not the newest person here yet my spot is still stuck right beside the nurse at the table. Just like last time, they're suspicious. Maybe I can't be trusted. I guess that would be pretty accurate to say.

I survived IP day 1

Day 1 is always the hardest. And I survived Day 1. Ya! Being pulled in all different directions by the nurses, psychiatrists, nutritionist, lab techs (blood), IV therapy, doctors, pharmacists... It took us 4 tries just go get through the initial intake interview because of all the interruptions.

I did OK today I think. Definitely less anxiety than during my last admission... but maybe that's due to the high dose of Serequel I took. Being my second time, I knew what to expect and I was already familiar with the environmemt. Not a lot has changed since the last time I was in, they have just become more strict with a bunch of rules.

Lunch was a bit stressful - the first meal I ate after being admitted - I didn't manage to eat everything on my meal plan at any meal, even though it is a pretty small meal plan, or so they say. I managed 1/2 piece of dry toast and the steamed broccoli. I have a feeling I will be soooo sick of Boost pretty soon. I am proud to announce: NO NG TUBE!!! Even if I can't eat "food-food" at least I'm drinking the Boost rather than tubed, right?

I didn't get a chance to talk to the nutritionist before I was admitted so she had ordered my trays for me and that probably added to the anxiety I felt, not knowing what would be on the tray ahead of time.

My Meal Plan (I estimate this to be about 1500-1800 cals)
B: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit
morning snack: none
L: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
afternoon stack: 1 item
D: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
eve snack: 1 item (cannot be fruit/veg)

The eve of IP

In less than 12 hours I will be temporatily giving up my freedom to the treatment team at the hospital. Today was a crazy rush of activity as I tried to get my things in order and as up to date as I can before I go in.

I don't know how long it'll be. 1 week, 3 weeks? more?

I've brought lots of books and crosswords. I'm afraid of being bored. All that free time means time to think and get depressed or wallow in my pessimistic mind. I normally fill my days running from work to home to mommyhood to bed. There's no time to think and I prefer it that way.

I know the first day will be the hardest. I'm afraid of being judged by the other people in there. Maybe I don't deserve this spot. After all, I'm not being certified this time. It's voluntary. The whole "voluntary" part makes me cringe: By not refusing treatment I'm CHOOSING to put myself through one of the toughest things ever.

I don't wanna be tubed this time. Even if I can't manage the solids, I will try to drink the Boost orally. Don't wanna mess up my sinuses with the ng, although it really is mentally easier to just lie there and let it drip into you. Less guilt around eating since you're not really "eating". Fucked up rationale. I'm bringing a whole bunch of baggy clothes. To hide my fatness. Oh God, I hope I don't outgrow all my clothes while I'm there.

Just like last year, my bags aren't packed yet. I'm pretending that tomorrow is a normal day, that I'm not going to be hospitalized. My mind won't accept it until it actually happens. Shit, that's gonna be soon.

No regrets

I am in no man's land "between living and existing" (a line I stole from another blog). I thought time flies when you're having fun. Well, it's sure flying and I'm not having so much fun.

I live in the past. Always missing what was rather than appreciating what is. Until it's gone.

The biggest regret of all would be if I am stupid enough to miss out on my son's childhood because of this. He still adores me. I can do no wrong. I am MOMMY - his world. In his eyes I am not a chronic slave to ed. I am worth something to him. My heart will shatter to pieces the day he realizes that I am flawed.

I want to remember the way he glances over for my approval when he tries a new trick on the playground or just to check that I'm still there cheering him on. These days won't last forever. How can I be so stupid.

Reunion

I saw my son today after not seeing him for a week. The hospital is only 1 hour drive from my house but that's still far for a 3 yr old on a regular basis. He was so happy to see me - he kept jumping on me, wrapping his arms around my neck, kissing me spontaneously and being on his best behavior.

I feel so loved by him but I feel guilty, like I don't deserve it. I often wonder if he loves me just b/c i'm his mom. I feel fake, like I was thrown into the role of "mother" as a joke, because I have no idea what I'm doing and I can barely even look after myself!

In the hospital they have family therapy which is sooo good for me and my mom. Our relationship is volatile, enmeshed and a perpetual roller coaster. My one hope and goal of this admission is to work through some of that in a mediated setting so hopefully the 3rd person, the counsellor, will be able to provide some objective and constructive criticism.

I can't look in the mirror. I disgust myself, but I'm telling myself that I dont' have a choice right now, it's outta my hands, so "suck it up" and hand control over to the higher powers (treatment team) at least temporarily... I can always revert to old behaviors right? So for now let's try something different.

Trying to make a new ending

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

I was so sad to say goodbye to my son. Going IP I will not see him much and right now he's with his dad for this week anyway. I'm glad he's not around and I am really hesistant having him visit me in the hospital because of all the machines, tubes, IV's, etc. He's older this time (3.5 yrs) and he will remember more. I don't want him to be exposed to all that right now. I want to protect his innocence.

I feel bad putting my mom and family in such a bind having to juggle their own full time jobs and commitments to watch my son while I am doing nothing more than sitting around in a hospital and struggling through each meal. It sounds so silly, mundane and PATHETIC that someone would reduce their life to eating vs. not eating. There is a whole world out there yet tons of girls (including me) choose not to experience it because thinness is more important.

What a stupid way to think. But it's the only way I know. And what you know is safer than what you don't know.

"Are you who you want to be?"

"This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be."

This song by Switchfoot makes me want to cry. If I were capable of crying, the tears would be streaking down my face, but I have not been able to cry for a few years now. It's like my feelings are disconnected from my body. I can say "I feel sad" and logically know that I am sad but I don't truly feel anything in my soul. Everything is stuck in my head. I want more than anything to be able to touch those feelings on a deeper level.

I have wasted so many years being focused on eating/not eating. Eating Disordered thinking. I have not been the mom that I should have and could have been to Zach. I am most definitely not who I want to be or expected to be and yet I feel stuck and powerless to change.

When I look into the future I get depressed because of all the wasted years and unfulfilled potential. I wonder,
"How can I accomplish anything worthwhile when I can't even do the simplest of things that comes so normally to most of the population: EAT."

why my self esteem is zero

I have this underlying feeling that my mother disapproves of me. It was my birthday on the 21st and all she barely said a word to me except to remind me what a hard labor she had with me.

Nothing I do is ever right. This is just thr tip of the iceberg:

I don't clean right, I am too lazy, I am not sociable enough, I'm not married yet, I am not virtuous enough, I'm not a good enough christian, I am not appreciative enough... In a nutshell I am a bad person and an even worse daughter.

Now that I've been cast in this negative light I can do no good. Period. Her outlook towards me is shitty now and it feels like there's no hope of redemption. Then again I don't know if I really want to be "redeemed". I don't know if I truly want to be the person she wants me to be. I want to be ME - whoever that is. I am so busy always trying to draw the boundary against what she wants me to do that somewhere along the way I lost who *I* want to be.

Here's the kicker. Today we were talking about Zach and I commented on some similarity between us.

Me: he's just like me!
My mom: oh god, I hope not.

She said that without an ounce of humor. She was dead serious. Thanks mom. Now I feel even more worthless.
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