I am under a ton of stress right now… so I have not been updating much.
There's a HUGE due date coming up - the final report for my Accounting designation.
If I pass this (last year's pass rate was 70%), I will be done done done with school. I will be a full fledged accountant!
I've been doing a bit better with eating…
I've gained a bit of weight - which is driving me crazy because I feel like hiding under a rock because I Feel so ugly all the time now - but I'm trying to rationalize it in my mind by telling myself not to throw away the last 3 years of hard work because of the ED. Just hang on and eat a little better at least until June 12 (the exam). I'm trying to cement that as my priority in my head right now.
… but it's tough when it seems like everyone can see how fat I am. I have a doctor's appointment today at the hospital and maybe with this weight gain I won't have to go into IP…
The problem is that when I gain weight I feel unworthy of treatment so I stop going to appointments. Then when I stop going I slip back into old habits and get myself into trouble. Back and forth, back and forth, spinning my wheels. I think the "cure" would be to be able to still feel worthy of treatment even when I am gaining weight.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
People Commenting on your Food
Sorry for the rant, but I had to get this out. I was THISCLOSE to snapping at my overly-friendly-super-nosy-coworker when she came into my office to peek at what I was eating and commented, "Oh, that's nice, you're having a VARIETY of vegetables instead of just lettuce like you usually do." It took so much self control for me to not snap at her and comment back, "Well, while we're on this topic, great job! I noticed that you only had 1 chocolate bar with your coffee today instead of 2! Tee hee".
That is such a huge pet peeve: People commenting on your food.
Whether it's what you are eating or what you are buying at the grocery store or the WAY you are eating it. Just because somebody is skinny does not make it any more okay to comment. You would NEVER say something about the greasiness or fat content of an obese person's meal. People just don't see it the other way around.
Especially when you're trying to keep ANY food down, period, let alone with knowing that other people are keeping an eye on what you're eating. Makes for a pretty awkward situation for me anyways.
Mind your own business you nosy little b-iotches!
That is such a huge pet peeve: People commenting on your food.
Whether it's what you are eating or what you are buying at the grocery store or the WAY you are eating it. Just because somebody is skinny does not make it any more okay to comment. You would NEVER say something about the greasiness or fat content of an obese person's meal. People just don't see it the other way around.
Especially when you're trying to keep ANY food down, period, let alone with knowing that other people are keeping an eye on what you're eating. Makes for a pretty awkward situation for me anyways.
Mind your own business you nosy little b-iotches!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Unsure what I really want
It's 4:00 PM. I'm feeling a little sick from not eating. I haven't had a single calorie today, only black coffee so far. I woke up feeling really swollen with water. The skin around my fingers was tight. I had a lot of salt yesterday so I kinda expected this suffering and brought it upon myself. I just like salt way too much for my own good. I pour it on more than liberally.
I'm so mad at myself for being so out of control and weighing so much. For taking up so much space. People don't understand how the love/hate relationship I have with b/p. I can hate it 100% but there are parts that are actually enjoyable, like those few moments where you let yourself taste a forbidden food, just before the reality sinks in that you must throw it up and rinse for an hour until you feel 'clean' and the water runs clear. It's like a drug. I wake up in the morning so full of willpower and zest to break the cycle but as the day goes on my willpower falters and wanes.
Nighttime is the witching hour. It's like some loss of control comes over me or my mind is abducted. It sounds extreme but it's truly how I feel. Then I go to bed, exhausted, and wake up the next morning and the cycle goes on and on, again and again. The words to Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" keep coming to mind.
If you want something bad enough, where there's a will there's a way right? Does this mean that I don't *really truly completely* want to stop b/p? I think I do but the fact that it seems near impossible to go one single day without 'engaging in behaviors'... makes me second guess myself.
In some ways recovery from an ED is so much harder than recovery from drugs/alcohol. You can't abstain 100% from food whereas you can "just say no" to drugs or alcohol. Every day, every occasion, every event, you're faced with food. You need to eat SOMETHING to survive. The problem is when that SOMETHING triggers a binge or the feeling of fullness causes so much anxiety. I'm feeling hopeless today.
I'm so mad at myself for being so out of control and weighing so much. For taking up so much space. People don't understand how the love/hate relationship I have with b/p. I can hate it 100% but there are parts that are actually enjoyable, like those few moments where you let yourself taste a forbidden food, just before the reality sinks in that you must throw it up and rinse for an hour until you feel 'clean' and the water runs clear. It's like a drug. I wake up in the morning so full of willpower and zest to break the cycle but as the day goes on my willpower falters and wanes.
Nighttime is the witching hour. It's like some loss of control comes over me or my mind is abducted. It sounds extreme but it's truly how I feel. Then I go to bed, exhausted, and wake up the next morning and the cycle goes on and on, again and again. The words to Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" keep coming to mind.
If you want something bad enough, where there's a will there's a way right? Does this mean that I don't *really truly completely* want to stop b/p? I think I do but the fact that it seems near impossible to go one single day without 'engaging in behaviors'... makes me second guess myself.
In some ways recovery from an ED is so much harder than recovery from drugs/alcohol. You can't abstain 100% from food whereas you can "just say no" to drugs or alcohol. Every day, every occasion, every event, you're faced with food. You need to eat SOMETHING to survive. The problem is when that SOMETHING triggers a binge or the feeling of fullness causes so much anxiety. I'm feeling hopeless today.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Call for IP round 2
OMG... the hospital called today and said they have an IP date for me. In 2 weeks. 2 measly effing weeks. Eek... I can't go! How can it be so soon? It's been less than 9 months since I've been out of IP. I'm surviving... sorta...
Why I am having a hard time going:
1) I'm heavier this time around than last time I went in = feel unworthy / not sick enough / afraid the other gals will judge me in there
2) This time around there will be free will involved (ie. I won't be certified/sectioned) which is scary too because I would have to actually make a CHOICE here, ya know?
3) Bad timing. May 31 is my big huge very important due date for my final accounting project. Then June 12 is my sorta thesis defense type thing - the last step needed to get my full fledged accounting designation. I've worked towards this for 3 years. I cannot let it all go to waste in a matter of weeks.
I want to push it back 2 months ideally. Scared, anxious, angry at myself for not being sick enough.
3)
Why I am having a hard time going:
1) I'm heavier this time around than last time I went in = feel unworthy / not sick enough / afraid the other gals will judge me in there
2) This time around there will be free will involved (ie. I won't be certified/sectioned) which is scary too because I would have to actually make a CHOICE here, ya know?
3) Bad timing. May 31 is my big huge very important due date for my final accounting project. Then June 12 is my sorta thesis defense type thing - the last step needed to get my full fledged accounting designation. I've worked towards this for 3 years. I cannot let it all go to waste in a matter of weeks.
I want to push it back 2 months ideally. Scared, anxious, angry at myself for not being sick enough.
3)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Shutdown in Group
My next IP date is coming up… in about 4-6 weeks…
In my head the date was a lot further than it actually is in real life. Good God, I am not ready for this. Cliché but true: I'm TOO FAT for IP… compared to all the stick girls in there I will be the hugest one. I cannot do this. If I were 10 lbs lighter then maybe I feel like an imposter if I were to go in right now. An ED faker. I'm getting cold feet. One of my friends went into IP today. She's pregnant and it is her first IP stay. It brought up all kinds of feelings for me, reminding me of the day I went in and the jumble of emotions that were running through me at the time. Her admission today affected me a lot and I’m not quite sure why.
In other news… I was SO mad at Sonia, the psychologist and group facilitator for the ED group I go to (part of the "overall" treatment plan). I messed up again and left group before it even started. The thing is, I WANTED to be there and I went fully prepared to be there. I don't know what's wrong with me...
Sonia was so patronizing and wouldn't even LISTEN TO ME. Before group she pulled me aside and said that I must see a doctor once a week or else I cannot go to group. She kept saying "this is not up for debate" when I wasn't trying to debate anything. She basically told me if I don't, then I'm not welcome at group.
I understand why she wants me to be closely medically monitored, I just felt like I wasn't even free to voice my feelings around it. By voicing my feelings, it isn't me disagreeing or saying "no, i won't go to the doctor". I felt so shut down and like I said - patronized.
She wasn't even interested in hearing what I had to say. Even when I said, "I am not arguing about it, can I just say something". She flat out said no. I don't get it... they try to enourage us to express ourselves and then in a situation where I really was trying to do just that very thing, i got shut down and made to feel like I don't even deserve any of her time or airspace to say what I feel. I was NOT trying to debate about the medical monitoring thing but if she had even tried to listen to me for one minute she would have realized that. It's too bad she didn't want to hear me.
I don't know what to do. I truthfully did enjoy going to group and will miss the support I could have been getting from REAL people who I can talk to and not feel so isolated from. But now even more than ever I can't go back to group. I don't know what to do. On one hand I need that support from the group but on the other hand I'm too afraid she'll shut me down and I already feel bad enough about what happened without her treating me like i'm an irresponsible person who needs to be given an ultimatum.
In my head the date was a lot further than it actually is in real life. Good God, I am not ready for this. Cliché but true: I'm TOO FAT for IP… compared to all the stick girls in there I will be the hugest one. I cannot do this. If I were 10 lbs lighter then maybe I feel like an imposter if I were to go in right now. An ED faker. I'm getting cold feet. One of my friends went into IP today. She's pregnant and it is her first IP stay. It brought up all kinds of feelings for me, reminding me of the day I went in and the jumble of emotions that were running through me at the time. Her admission today affected me a lot and I’m not quite sure why.
In other news… I was SO mad at Sonia, the psychologist and group facilitator for the ED group I go to (part of the "overall" treatment plan). I messed up again and left group before it even started. The thing is, I WANTED to be there and I went fully prepared to be there. I don't know what's wrong with me...
Sonia was so patronizing and wouldn't even LISTEN TO ME. Before group she pulled me aside and said that I must see a doctor once a week or else I cannot go to group. She kept saying "this is not up for debate" when I wasn't trying to debate anything. She basically told me if I don't, then I'm not welcome at group.
I understand why she wants me to be closely medically monitored, I just felt like I wasn't even free to voice my feelings around it. By voicing my feelings, it isn't me disagreeing or saying "no, i won't go to the doctor". I felt so shut down and like I said - patronized.
She wasn't even interested in hearing what I had to say. Even when I said, "I am not arguing about it, can I just say something". She flat out said no. I don't get it... they try to enourage us to express ourselves and then in a situation where I really was trying to do just that very thing, i got shut down and made to feel like I don't even deserve any of her time or airspace to say what I feel. I was NOT trying to debate about the medical monitoring thing but if she had even tried to listen to me for one minute she would have realized that. It's too bad she didn't want to hear me.
I don't know what to do. I truthfully did enjoy going to group and will miss the support I could have been getting from REAL people who I can talk to and not feel so isolated from. But now even more than ever I can't go back to group. I don't know what to do. On one hand I need that support from the group but on the other hand I'm too afraid she'll shut me down and I already feel bad enough about what happened without her treating me like i'm an irresponsible person who needs to be given an ultimatum.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Response to reader comments
This post is mostly in reponse to this post: Thank you for your honesty. I truly want people to be honest in their comments and I want people to be supportive. sometimes support means being brutally honest, but as usual, it's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it. I know that I am a less than stellar mother (I wholly admit that I'm a terrible mom!) and a not so great person overall. Maybe an ED is a really selfish disorder and maybe that makes ME really selfish too.
Sometimes I secretly wish I didn't have a son. I'm willing to give him to anyone who wants to watch him for a few hours of freedom. I look forward to work because I get some AWAY time from him. I do feel terrible for feeling this way, but I'm going to be honest. There's no use lying or pretending. I feel how I feel.
Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and I'm blessed to have such a loving and wonderful boy, but I'm under no delusions that any of this is healthy for him. The incredible push and pull between me and my mother, the intense fighting we engage in does not create a healthy environment. My son asked me the other day, "why does grandma hate you?" It's toxic.
I am not brave enough to kill myself and I'm not sure enough that I truly want to die. Some days I feel like that's the answer to everything but other days I can see a glimmer of light. It's days like those that flicker through my mind, behind my eyelids when I contemplate truly ending it all. I am so fucking indecisive that I can't even decide to die. I guess there are SOME positives to being indecisive. If I were a more impulsive person I would be dead by now. Instead, I live in a semi-alive/semi-dead state of constantly toeing the line between being dead and alive.
I'm afraid of walking this line for the next 40 years, if I live that long. I have no social life, I have no energy, but I'm not "sick enough" to be institutionalized. I'm close, but not quite. This has gotta be the worst place I've ever been. At least if I were "sick enough" I could resign myself to living in a hospital for a good long time, thus abdicating me of all responsibility. I might finally feel free. I'm a fucking mess in the head but I'm "high functioning" which often works against me.
Sometimes I secretly wish I didn't have a son. I'm willing to give him to anyone who wants to watch him for a few hours of freedom. I look forward to work because I get some AWAY time from him. I do feel terrible for feeling this way, but I'm going to be honest. There's no use lying or pretending. I feel how I feel.
Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and I'm blessed to have such a loving and wonderful boy, but I'm under no delusions that any of this is healthy for him. The incredible push and pull between me and my mother, the intense fighting we engage in does not create a healthy environment. My son asked me the other day, "why does grandma hate you?" It's toxic.
I am not brave enough to kill myself and I'm not sure enough that I truly want to die. Some days I feel like that's the answer to everything but other days I can see a glimmer of light. It's days like those that flicker through my mind, behind my eyelids when I contemplate truly ending it all. I am so fucking indecisive that I can't even decide to die. I guess there are SOME positives to being indecisive. If I were a more impulsive person I would be dead by now. Instead, I live in a semi-alive/semi-dead state of constantly toeing the line between being dead and alive.
I'm afraid of walking this line for the next 40 years, if I live that long. I have no social life, I have no energy, but I'm not "sick enough" to be institutionalized. I'm close, but not quite. This has gotta be the worst place I've ever been. At least if I were "sick enough" I could resign myself to living in a hospital for a good long time, thus abdicating me of all responsibility. I might finally feel free. I'm a fucking mess in the head but I'm "high functioning" which often works against me.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
They're smarter than I think
I am THISCLOSE to being certified again.
I have gradually been evading my doctor's appointments. It's such a hassle to make the trek in to see them, often spending more time on the bus to and fro than in the appointment itself. I cancelled a few and when nobody said anything, I cancelled some more. Well, they've noticed now.
I got a phone call today which came loaded with a whole ton of appointments booked far into the future.
"Tia, you MUST see a doctor at least once a week. This is NOT an option. It is MANDATORY and if you do not come in voluntarily we will have to bring you in against your will." (or something along those lines). GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.
Grreeeat. I'm already trying to get the HR people at work off my back. I'm on the "attendance management" program and potentially the "disability management" program for all of the sick time I keep taking to go for appointments. I often think, they must think I’m lying. I mean, I don't 'LOOK' like I have an ED (to me anyway). I get super embarrassed feeling like they might be judging the validity of the reason for my appointments. Worse than that, I'm afraid they might think I’m just trying to skip out of work which is completely not true.
Running away the other day was like another nail in my coffin. Another reason for them not to trust me. I saw my T and while her reaction was indeed disappointment (as I had feared it would be), she still wants to work with me and she still believes in me. Sometimes I think she's the only one.
"There's a difference between giving up on someone and respecting someone's wishes. If you really don't want to recover, you are an adult now and I must respect your wishes - to a point - when it becomes a medical liability, that's a whole other ball game."
Ouch. That statement kinda stung. But… I needed to hear it. I keep wanting someone to save me, to convince me that recovery is worth it, but nobody can do that but me. The truth often is hard to hear.
I have gradually been evading my doctor's appointments. It's such a hassle to make the trek in to see them, often spending more time on the bus to and fro than in the appointment itself. I cancelled a few and when nobody said anything, I cancelled some more. Well, they've noticed now.
I got a phone call today which came loaded with a whole ton of appointments booked far into the future.
"Tia, you MUST see a doctor at least once a week. This is NOT an option. It is MANDATORY and if you do not come in voluntarily we will have to bring you in against your will." (or something along those lines). GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.
Grreeeat. I'm already trying to get the HR people at work off my back. I'm on the "attendance management" program and potentially the "disability management" program for all of the sick time I keep taking to go for appointments. I often think, they must think I’m lying. I mean, I don't 'LOOK' like I have an ED (to me anyway). I get super embarrassed feeling like they might be judging the validity of the reason for my appointments. Worse than that, I'm afraid they might think I’m just trying to skip out of work which is completely not true.
Running away the other day was like another nail in my coffin. Another reason for them not to trust me. I saw my T and while her reaction was indeed disappointment (as I had feared it would be), she still wants to work with me and she still believes in me. Sometimes I think she's the only one.
"There's a difference between giving up on someone and respecting someone's wishes. If you really don't want to recover, you are an adult now and I must respect your wishes - to a point - when it becomes a medical liability, that's a whole other ball game."
Ouch. That statement kinda stung. But… I needed to hear it. I keep wanting someone to save me, to convince me that recovery is worth it, but nobody can do that but me. The truth often is hard to hear.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Running from the doctors
Yesterday I caused a bit of a scene at group.
We were sitting in the waiting room before group and then when we got called in I stood up a little too quickly and felt dizzy, shaky and lightheaded so I was hanging onto the wall while walking. Dammit, when will I ever learn that I have to move slowly going from lying or sitting to standing because of the abnormal orthostatic blood pressure thing.
The group facilitator freaked out and made me sit down in a separate room and wanted me to see a doctor, ASAP. All the doctors in the building were gone for the day so I would have to either get someone to pick me up (no way in hell! I'm not inconveniencing someone for something that's really not an issue, since I get lightheaded all the time) or she would call an ambulance to take me to emergency just to get checked out (what an effing ordeal for nothing!) why do people blow things out of proportion all the time? Sometimes I think it's just to cover their asses so if something were to happen to me no one would come back at them for being irresponsible. She said she would not let me leave let alone drive home. "Not over her dead body".
Anyways, I told her to go ahead and get the group settled (they were all waiting in the group room). The moment she left, I bolted for the door. I ran to my car, heart pounding, jumped in and drove away. I know it was incredibly wrong but in the moment I felt so trapped. I am terrified of being certified back into the hospital, my rights and decision-making taken away from me. When that happened back in September 09 and I was in IP, it was one of the most traumatic things. I know that I'm not sick enough to be certified at the moment but still, any indication of that happening has me running for the door. Literally.
I bet the group leader told my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon). I've got knots in my stomach thinking about how I'm going to face her and what her reaction might be. Anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment. I think her being disappointed in me would be the worst of all because I respect her and I truly like working with her. I don't want her to give up on me like so many have before.
*I'm fine by the way, the dizziness went away as it always does*.
We were sitting in the waiting room before group and then when we got called in I stood up a little too quickly and felt dizzy, shaky and lightheaded so I was hanging onto the wall while walking. Dammit, when will I ever learn that I have to move slowly going from lying or sitting to standing because of the abnormal orthostatic blood pressure thing.
The group facilitator freaked out and made me sit down in a separate room and wanted me to see a doctor, ASAP. All the doctors in the building were gone for the day so I would have to either get someone to pick me up (no way in hell! I'm not inconveniencing someone for something that's really not an issue, since I get lightheaded all the time) or she would call an ambulance to take me to emergency just to get checked out (what an effing ordeal for nothing!) why do people blow things out of proportion all the time? Sometimes I think it's just to cover their asses so if something were to happen to me no one would come back at them for being irresponsible. She said she would not let me leave let alone drive home. "Not over her dead body".
Anyways, I told her to go ahead and get the group settled (they were all waiting in the group room). The moment she left, I bolted for the door. I ran to my car, heart pounding, jumped in and drove away. I know it was incredibly wrong but in the moment I felt so trapped. I am terrified of being certified back into the hospital, my rights and decision-making taken away from me. When that happened back in September 09 and I was in IP, it was one of the most traumatic things. I know that I'm not sick enough to be certified at the moment but still, any indication of that happening has me running for the door. Literally.
I bet the group leader told my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon). I've got knots in my stomach thinking about how I'm going to face her and what her reaction might be. Anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment. I think her being disappointed in me would be the worst of all because I respect her and I truly like working with her. I don't want her to give up on me like so many have before.
*I'm fine by the way, the dizziness went away as it always does*.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Out of control - Family gone to NY
**Trigger warning ** Talks about binging and purging and ED behaviors**
I feel like a teenager whose parents have gone away for the weekend. Queen of the house, able to do anything I want. Or to be as self-destrictive as possible.
My family's gone to New York for 10 days. So, I am home alone (with my son). Ever since they left on Thursday, it's been one big blur of b/p-ing. I have NEVER been so out of control with b/p before mainly because I haven't been able to logistically with someone always at home. They knew I did it but i still tried to do it discreetly. Now, there's no one to keep an eye on me. The house looks like a tornado went through it.
I can't focus on anything other than going from kitchen to bathroom again and again. I hate myself so much right now. The thing is, despite all the food I'm going through, I'm losing weight. I'm a little scared abour my next appointment with my treatment team. I'm afraid to do bloodwork because I'm sure things aren't looking so good on that front right now.
I've made a list of things to do to keep myself occupied - read, journal, watch TV, do homework, bake - to keep my mind off food, but it's NOT WORKING. Outside it's a gorgeous 60 degrees outside (15 deg C) and the sun is shining. I'm cooped up inside with the doors/windows closed and the curtains drawn, wasting food.
In the past 3 days I've gone through (among other things):
-7 bake at home pizzas
-2 A&W Papa Burgers
-2 loaves of white bread toasted with butter and jam
-2 bags chocolate almonds
-1 bag Costco sized salted kettle chips
-1 bag mini Caramilk easter eggs
-Yam Fries and Chipotle Mayo
-Poutine (fries with melted cheese curds and gravy)
I'm seriously hoping that the novelty of being home alone will wear off soon and this will come to an end. I'm getting so physically worn out and mentally, I'm hating myself for becoming this monster that I don't even recognize.
I feel like a teenager whose parents have gone away for the weekend. Queen of the house, able to do anything I want. Or to be as self-destrictive as possible.
My family's gone to New York for 10 days. So, I am home alone (with my son). Ever since they left on Thursday, it's been one big blur of b/p-ing. I have NEVER been so out of control with b/p before mainly because I haven't been able to logistically with someone always at home. They knew I did it but i still tried to do it discreetly. Now, there's no one to keep an eye on me. The house looks like a tornado went through it.
I can't focus on anything other than going from kitchen to bathroom again and again. I hate myself so much right now. The thing is, despite all the food I'm going through, I'm losing weight. I'm a little scared abour my next appointment with my treatment team. I'm afraid to do bloodwork because I'm sure things aren't looking so good on that front right now.
I've made a list of things to do to keep myself occupied - read, journal, watch TV, do homework, bake - to keep my mind off food, but it's NOT WORKING. Outside it's a gorgeous 60 degrees outside (15 deg C) and the sun is shining. I'm cooped up inside with the doors/windows closed and the curtains drawn, wasting food.
In the past 3 days I've gone through (among other things):
-7 bake at home pizzas
-2 A&W Papa Burgers
-2 loaves of white bread toasted with butter and jam
-2 bags chocolate almonds
-1 bag Costco sized salted kettle chips
-1 bag mini Caramilk easter eggs
-Yam Fries and Chipotle Mayo
-Poutine (fries with melted cheese curds and gravy)
I'm seriously hoping that the novelty of being home alone will wear off soon and this will come to an end. I'm getting so physically worn out and mentally, I'm hating myself for becoming this monster that I don't even recognize.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Doctor - confidentiality discussion
I talked to my doctor for 1 hour yesterday. He squeezed me into his busy schedule because I was so upset about the confidentiality thing. He assured me that he, personally, has never shared any of my info and would never do such a thing. He also said that my feelings are definitely valid and he was shocked that his staff would divulge any info. He also said they're going to crack down on training and remind everyone of the importance of NOT sharing info with unauthorized people.
The down side of all this is that my mom refuses to speak to me. She feels that I'm rejecting her because I got so upset about the whole thing. She thinks now the clinic will look at her negatively for asking for the info and she's embarassed about facing them in the future (she goes to the same dr. office as me). For my mom, it's all about appearances and the public's opinion of her. We could be screaming at each other in the car but the moment we get to our destination and there are other people around, it's all rosy and wonderful. The image of a picture perfect family. It drives me nuts. I wish we could just BE REAL and be allowed to be who we are - human.
I don't really have anything else constructive or important to say today. Just an observation and because I'm in a rambling mood.
Everything, including food, has its trends. A few years ago it was all about healthy eating, now it's moving into organic foods and then there's also this wave of nostalgic, high calorie/fat, "Fuck the health food" mindset that seems to glorify artery clogging foods all for the sake of 'whatever tastes good'. This new KFC Double Down sandwich is the perfect example. Instead of a bun it has 2 chicken patties which sandwich bacon and cheese in the middle. First of all, EW!!! Can you imagine even just holding this sandwich with its 2 deep fried chicken patties? Grease galore. Maybe we're going back to the Atkins days of no carbs, lol.
The other trend I cannot understand is BACON. Bacon in desserts and chocolate chip bacon cookies and bacon smores to name a few. My feeling is that people are rebelling against the healthy eating movement and embracing the return of FAT.
The down side of all this is that my mom refuses to speak to me. She feels that I'm rejecting her because I got so upset about the whole thing. She thinks now the clinic will look at her negatively for asking for the info and she's embarassed about facing them in the future (she goes to the same dr. office as me). For my mom, it's all about appearances and the public's opinion of her. We could be screaming at each other in the car but the moment we get to our destination and there are other people around, it's all rosy and wonderful. The image of a picture perfect family. It drives me nuts. I wish we could just BE REAL and be allowed to be who we are - human.
I don't really have anything else constructive or important to say today. Just an observation and because I'm in a rambling mood.
Everything, including food, has its trends. A few years ago it was all about healthy eating, now it's moving into organic foods and then there's also this wave of nostalgic, high calorie/fat, "Fuck the health food" mindset that seems to glorify artery clogging foods all for the sake of 'whatever tastes good'. This new KFC Double Down sandwich is the perfect example. Instead of a bun it has 2 chicken patties which sandwich bacon and cheese in the middle. First of all, EW!!! Can you imagine even just holding this sandwich with its 2 deep fried chicken patties? Grease galore. Maybe we're going back to the Atkins days of no carbs, lol.
The other trend I cannot understand is BACON. Bacon in desserts and chocolate chip bacon cookies and bacon smores to name a few. My feeling is that people are rebelling against the healthy eating movement and embracing the return of FAT.
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