Today is our last day in NY. My feet feel like they are going to fall off from walking so much, but the obsessive side of me says to walk more! burn off more calories! this is the perfect excuse!
I can't believe the number of skinny girls here. I keep comparing and feeling bad about myself. There is an empty feeling in me right now. Sad/lost/anxious?
I still feel somewhat crippled by ED. I don't want to try on clothes and go shopping because I feel fat. but overall it has been a good trip. I don't want to go home and face reality and all the pressures of real life. :(
Friday, September 30, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Summer's Over
This summer has been a whirlwind of activity. I have managed to stay pretty happy and healthy and avoid all appointments with my treatment team. I am realizing now that I am slowly making peace with weight gain, that being around a waiting room of extremely emaciated girls is not healthy. I found I was getting more triggered and my anxiety was spiking in the days before my appointments. For now I am going to stay away from the hospital unless things get bad. It's better for my mental health.
Every weekend I've been spending time with my bf, either here or in Washington. I got Nexus pass so the border wait times are greatly reduced, which makes it bearable to cross on a Saturday morning. I am at his parent's place in Port Angeles right now. It is about a 4 hour drive from Bellingham. Very peaceful, serene, secluded. I made it through dinner last night with the family and even had a cookie for dessert without too much anxiety. Best of all, I kept it down.
I hate my body intensely but I'm trying to keep pushing through, knowing the alternative. I do fear that I am unable to EVER diet "just a little" because I will be triggered into the ED again. It is a fine line and once you have gone down that path it is too easy to get sucked back in. I feel like I'm just on the other side of the ED madness and I'm actually at a point where I have things to look forward to other than watching the numbers go down on the scale. I have other things to make me happy.
I am by no means recovered or OK with my weight, but I am less anxious about it and I can see a bit of hope now (on a good day) that maybe happiness does not always have to come from being the skinniest person.
Every weekend I've been spending time with my bf, either here or in Washington. I got Nexus pass so the border wait times are greatly reduced, which makes it bearable to cross on a Saturday morning. I am at his parent's place in Port Angeles right now. It is about a 4 hour drive from Bellingham. Very peaceful, serene, secluded. I made it through dinner last night with the family and even had a cookie for dessert without too much anxiety. Best of all, I kept it down.
I hate my body intensely but I'm trying to keep pushing through, knowing the alternative. I do fear that I am unable to EVER diet "just a little" because I will be triggered into the ED again. It is a fine line and once you have gone down that path it is too easy to get sucked back in. I feel like I'm just on the other side of the ED madness and I'm actually at a point where I have things to look forward to other than watching the numbers go down on the scale. I have other things to make me happy.
I am by no means recovered or OK with my weight, but I am less anxious about it and I can see a bit of hope now (on a good day) that maybe happiness does not always have to come from being the skinniest person.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
purging safe foods
Even when my brain is telling me that logically I do not need to purge something as low calorie as salad or steamed veggies, the mere feeling of fullness/bloating/distended stomach makes me panic. I must be rid of it. I can't have it sitting in my stomach.
The fact that I purged steamed zucchini tonight signifies a new low. Either purging has gotten easy enough that I figure, "I might as well" or my brain is freaking out more than ever before and eliminating previously safe foods.
It's probably actually a combination of those 2 things.
There are no words to describe the calmness and stillness that follows a purge. My mind is able to rest. It's like a blanket of sedation is wrapped around my brain immediately post purge. Finally I can sleep.
The fact that I purged steamed zucchini tonight signifies a new low. Either purging has gotten easy enough that I figure, "I might as well" or my brain is freaking out more than ever before and eliminating previously safe foods.
It's probably actually a combination of those 2 things.
There are no words to describe the calmness and stillness that follows a purge. My mind is able to rest. It's like a blanket of sedation is wrapped around my brain immediately post purge. Finally I can sleep.
Monday, July 25, 2011
fear of losing my ED-ness.
i'll admit - I do appreciate the things i can do now that i'm not completely starving all the time... but i look atk my body and i HATE HATE HATE it. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. This feeling is overwhelming and I'm getting to the point where i'm ready to turn back to ED ... i'm sick of being fat. i'm practically vibrating inside with anxiety about how i look. i have officially failed at ED but i haven't succeeded at anything else either. i'm a giant failure. i let myself eat more a little at a time and now my body disgusts me so much. i'm afraid i will never be the weight i once was. what bugs me the most is that i might look more normal than before but my head is absolutely fucked. more fucked than before. more depressed, more upset, more lost. it makes me want to cry... i know i need to do this... but i'm so scared to not be ED. that is the only constant ive had in my life. and now it's slipping away.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Fat and Unhappy
Tomorrow is my birthday. I hope no one insists on taking pictures. I don't want to remember this repulsive body I am in. Not this year. I think I was literally 20 lbs lighter on my birthday last year.
I feel like when I am healthy, I am a nobody. I have nothing to offer. I blend into the background. My self esteem plummets. I wonder why I ever thought that recovery would be worth it. I toyed with the idea and did the work of gaining some weight back, but I have yet to reap the rewards. All I have gotten is more unhappy. My mood is really low and I am feeling more helpless than ever. At least when I was very underweight I could use that as soothing mechanism. Now that is gone too.
My weight now is not in the danger zone but my edema is almost as bad as when I was at my lowest weight. I don't understand! I have been doing things right (eating better but still purging) and gaining weight. I have been eating protein… I shouldn't have edema, right? Especially not to this horrible degree. This is fucking with my mind. On top of being close to a healthy weight (fat fat fat!!!) my ankles and calves are swollen with water, making them look even fatter. Pitting edema. Disgusting. I can poke my finger in 1/2" deep into my calf and it leaves an indent. I can feel the water squishing under my skin.
I don't want to see anybody. My clothes actually "fit" me again and are not hanging off. I hate my body. I hate myself. All this weight is stuck around my stomach right now since it hasn't had a chance to redistribute itself yet. Ha! And I don't plan on giving it a chance to do that. The past few months I have been trying to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I've been tolerating the body hatred, telling myself that I will get used to it, that the pros of recovery outweigh the cons, that I CAN deal with this. But it is too much. I can't deal with feeling this shitty, this ugly, this FAT!!! All this weight has got to come off.
I am reaching that frenetic, high anxiety level and I'm ready to throw in the towel and head down the ED road again. Just a little bit.
Being healthier has not made one single difference in my life. I am still impatient with my son, I still think he deserves a way better mother. I want to cry when I think of how much time I have lost in raising him. All the years that he has wanted mommy there, mommy to play with him, mommy to be a real mommy. And how I have failed him and continue to fail him. Even with the xtra weight on me, I am still a zombie. He loves me so so so much and his face is filled with hope time and time again, that maybe this time I will play with him and devote 100% of my attention to him. But I can't. My mind is always pulled in so many directions: Weight, Food, Applying for jobs, Home Renos, Boyfriend. The guilt I feel is immeasurable. His sweet little face and unconditional love. I didn't earn that love. He loves me because I am his mother, but all I have done is literally given birth to him. I'm ashamed of the rest of my inferior mothering skills. I want to be better, but in all honesty, I don't have a fucking clue how to. I often wonder why I was given a child. I don't deserve a child like him. The easy route out would be to starve. Then nobody would expect anything of me. I would have an excuse for being a zombie-mom. But if I am healthy, I have no such excuse. Cop-out…
To end this depressing post, I will finish by talking about the one positive aspect in my life. Things are going well with my bf. I have been able to share everything with him (he even knows about b/p, which I have barely shared with anyone in real life!). He is so sweet and his personality is just what I need to keep me grounded. Thankfully I have managed not to go BPD-crazy with him. Whenever we see each other the time flies by and I get a glimpse of what it is like to be genuinely happy. But even this positive thing has a flip-side. He lives in a different country. The hoops we would have to jump through if we eventually decided to be together… it could take years. I am afraid to invest more of myself into this relationship. I want to know where he sees things going but it's only been a few months, so I don't want to jump the gun either. I'm trying to be brave but protect myself at the same time. <3
I feel like when I am healthy, I am a nobody. I have nothing to offer. I blend into the background. My self esteem plummets. I wonder why I ever thought that recovery would be worth it. I toyed with the idea and did the work of gaining some weight back, but I have yet to reap the rewards. All I have gotten is more unhappy. My mood is really low and I am feeling more helpless than ever. At least when I was very underweight I could use that as soothing mechanism. Now that is gone too.
My weight now is not in the danger zone but my edema is almost as bad as when I was at my lowest weight. I don't understand! I have been doing things right (eating better but still purging) and gaining weight. I have been eating protein… I shouldn't have edema, right? Especially not to this horrible degree. This is fucking with my mind. On top of being close to a healthy weight (fat fat fat!!!) my ankles and calves are swollen with water, making them look even fatter. Pitting edema. Disgusting. I can poke my finger in 1/2" deep into my calf and it leaves an indent. I can feel the water squishing under my skin.
I don't want to see anybody. My clothes actually "fit" me again and are not hanging off. I hate my body. I hate myself. All this weight is stuck around my stomach right now since it hasn't had a chance to redistribute itself yet. Ha! And I don't plan on giving it a chance to do that. The past few months I have been trying to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I've been tolerating the body hatred, telling myself that I will get used to it, that the pros of recovery outweigh the cons, that I CAN deal with this. But it is too much. I can't deal with feeling this shitty, this ugly, this FAT!!! All this weight has got to come off.
I am reaching that frenetic, high anxiety level and I'm ready to throw in the towel and head down the ED road again. Just a little bit.
Being healthier has not made one single difference in my life. I am still impatient with my son, I still think he deserves a way better mother. I want to cry when I think of how much time I have lost in raising him. All the years that he has wanted mommy there, mommy to play with him, mommy to be a real mommy. And how I have failed him and continue to fail him. Even with the xtra weight on me, I am still a zombie. He loves me so so so much and his face is filled with hope time and time again, that maybe this time I will play with him and devote 100% of my attention to him. But I can't. My mind is always pulled in so many directions: Weight, Food, Applying for jobs, Home Renos, Boyfriend. The guilt I feel is immeasurable. His sweet little face and unconditional love. I didn't earn that love. He loves me because I am his mother, but all I have done is literally given birth to him. I'm ashamed of the rest of my inferior mothering skills. I want to be better, but in all honesty, I don't have a fucking clue how to. I often wonder why I was given a child. I don't deserve a child like him. The easy route out would be to starve. Then nobody would expect anything of me. I would have an excuse for being a zombie-mom. But if I am healthy, I have no such excuse. Cop-out…
To end this depressing post, I will finish by talking about the one positive aspect in my life. Things are going well with my bf. I have been able to share everything with him (he even knows about b/p, which I have barely shared with anyone in real life!). He is so sweet and his personality is just what I need to keep me grounded. Thankfully I have managed not to go BPD-crazy with him. Whenever we see each other the time flies by and I get a glimpse of what it is like to be genuinely happy. But even this positive thing has a flip-side. He lives in a different country. The hoops we would have to jump through if we eventually decided to be together… it could take years. I am afraid to invest more of myself into this relationship. I want to know where he sees things going but it's only been a few months, so I don't want to jump the gun either. I'm trying to be brave but protect myself at the same time. <3
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Fighting the urge
Cut cut cut.
My brain is screaming at me. I cannot give in. I cannot afford any more scars on my body. Especially not with summer coming up. I hate fighting myself.
I got the keys to my condo today. It should be a day of celebration, joy, excitement. But I feel empty and hollow.
Why am I always chasing something and when I get it, I'm not happy. I have reached my ultimate goal of my house hunting journey and I expected to feel differently.
Logically everything should be happy for me. New guy, new house, not in the hospital... but I feel blank.
My brain is screaming at me. I cannot give in. I cannot afford any more scars on my body. Especially not with summer coming up. I hate fighting myself.
I got the keys to my condo today. It should be a day of celebration, joy, excitement. But I feel empty and hollow.
Why am I always chasing something and when I get it, I'm not happy. I have reached my ultimate goal of my house hunting journey and I expected to feel differently.
Logically everything should be happy for me. New guy, new house, not in the hospital... but I feel blank.
Fail
Went on a b/p spree today.
It was like I was on auto-pilot.
'They' tell me that everything I do is a choice, but it sure as hell didn't feel like it.
It was like watching myself from above. Like watching someone else. I wish it were not me. Crash and burn.
It was like I was on auto-pilot.
'They' tell me that everything I do is a choice, but it sure as hell didn't feel like it.
It was like watching myself from above. Like watching someone else. I wish it were not me. Crash and burn.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
triggering people
I'm at the teddy bears picnic with my son and there's a super triggering woman here. Another mom. She is sooo skinny and she keeps looking at me, sneaking glances and probably sees me doing the same. I have this huge ache of jealousy in me and longing for that thinness. I want her body. I feel like a perv but I can't stop looking.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Fucked up Forever
It is 4am and I'm still awake. I'm so fucked up... just when I think things are looking a little better, I get smacked in the face with the realization that I am caught in the grips of this ED and it's no less strangling than it was before.
I literally spent the last 7 hours b/p. It wasn't even a binge though. It started with dinner - the first meal of the day. Earlier I had some gummy candy to keep my blood sugar up through the day at work. So, I tried to eat a piece of bread, but then it made me feel nauseous and heavy and leaden like a rock in my stomach. So the bread came up. Then I felt shaky from throwing up, and thought I was going to pass out. Then I ate some jujubes once again to up my blood sugar. Then I felt super guilty about eating the candy, so I decided I would purge. To make it worth my while, I ate a box of Ritz mini cheese sandwich crackers --> purge. Shakiness. Tried to eat to stabilize myself --> purge. For 7 fucking hours up until this point. I've gone through so much food, I am so disgusted with myself.
The most frustrating part is that each time I eat, I am not intending for it to turn into a purge. I genuinely want to keep the food down, my intentions are pure - but I keep failing. Fail fail fail again and again. And tomorrow I'm driving down to the States to see my bf. I pray that my legs don't cramp up and that I don't pass out because I don't have any extended travel medical. Oh God, I just don't know what to do because every night is the same old routine. Eat, feel sick, throw up, feel shaky, eat, feel sick, throw up... this is too hard to fight. Why not just give in and go with it. At least then every day won't be a battle in my mind.
I literally spent the last 7 hours b/p. It wasn't even a binge though. It started with dinner - the first meal of the day. Earlier I had some gummy candy to keep my blood sugar up through the day at work. So, I tried to eat a piece of bread, but then it made me feel nauseous and heavy and leaden like a rock in my stomach. So the bread came up. Then I felt shaky from throwing up, and thought I was going to pass out. Then I ate some jujubes once again to up my blood sugar. Then I felt super guilty about eating the candy, so I decided I would purge. To make it worth my while, I ate a box of Ritz mini cheese sandwich crackers --> purge. Shakiness. Tried to eat to stabilize myself --> purge. For 7 fucking hours up until this point. I've gone through so much food, I am so disgusted with myself.
The most frustrating part is that each time I eat, I am not intending for it to turn into a purge. I genuinely want to keep the food down, my intentions are pure - but I keep failing. Fail fail fail again and again. And tomorrow I'm driving down to the States to see my bf. I pray that my legs don't cramp up and that I don't pass out because I don't have any extended travel medical. Oh God, I just don't know what to do because every night is the same old routine. Eat, feel sick, throw up, feel shaky, eat, feel sick, throw up... this is too hard to fight. Why not just give in and go with it. At least then every day won't be a battle in my mind.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Ana Nostalgia
It pains me to look at the photos of myself at my lowest weights. I miss those bones so much. I know my mind wasn't functioning properly - I could barely concentrate or carry on a conversation - but it sometimes seems like it was worth it. I miss my bones. I miss being able to pick up any piece of clothing in a store - size 0 or 00 or kids sizes - and have it hang on my body. I miss being "different" and "better" and "purer" by virtue of my visible bones. I felt emotionally invincible. Nobody could touch me or hurt me because no matter what, I was thin and that's all that mattered. Now, life is so much messier. Now I have to face some of the feelings that were hidden and numbed out through the side effect of malnutrition.
My weight now is higher than it has been in 3 years. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.
I'm still 15lbs underweight (according to my doc and those stupid ht/wt charts) but I feel like I’m 15lbs overweight instead. The weight that I have gained has yet to distribute itself properly, so I feel like I'm carrying all around my waist.
I don't dare to even try on a pair of jeans right now. It's all flowy, summery dresses and other loose fitting clothing. I hate my body so much.
I've been cutting again. Maladaptive coping mechanisms. I still haven't learned the "healthy way" of doing things. When I'm severly restricting, I don't cut. When I begin to feel again, I start cutting again. The one thing that I am hanging on to to keep my weight from plummeting is my new boyfriend. We only see each other once a week (he lives in WA and I’m in BC) but the time spent together makes me so happy. I told him about the ED and about cutting and he's STILL here. I don't want him to worry about me and I don't want to be lethargic and cranky. I know I need to eat (and keep down) a certain amount otherwise I won't have the energy to "be there" in a relationship.
I still engage in purging every night - it's more a routine than it is a coping mechanism I think. But at least during the day I can keep some food down. The black thoughts tug at me every day. Every hour, every minute, it's a struggle not to give in. But I think that for now at least, I'm doing an ok job of toeing the line.
My weight now is higher than it has been in 3 years. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.
I'm still 15lbs underweight (according to my doc and those stupid ht/wt charts) but I feel like I’m 15lbs overweight instead. The weight that I have gained has yet to distribute itself properly, so I feel like I'm carrying all around my waist.
I don't dare to even try on a pair of jeans right now. It's all flowy, summery dresses and other loose fitting clothing. I hate my body so much.
I've been cutting again. Maladaptive coping mechanisms. I still haven't learned the "healthy way" of doing things. When I'm severly restricting, I don't cut. When I begin to feel again, I start cutting again. The one thing that I am hanging on to to keep my weight from plummeting is my new boyfriend. We only see each other once a week (he lives in WA and I’m in BC) but the time spent together makes me so happy. I told him about the ED and about cutting and he's STILL here. I don't want him to worry about me and I don't want to be lethargic and cranky. I know I need to eat (and keep down) a certain amount otherwise I won't have the energy to "be there" in a relationship.
I still engage in purging every night - it's more a routine than it is a coping mechanism I think. But at least during the day I can keep some food down. The black thoughts tug at me every day. Every hour, every minute, it's a struggle not to give in. But I think that for now at least, I'm doing an ok job of toeing the line.
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