Even when my brain is telling me that logically I do not need to purge something as low calorie as salad or steamed veggies, the mere feeling of fullness/bloating/distended stomach makes me panic. I must be rid of it. I can't have it sitting in my stomach.
The fact that I purged steamed zucchini tonight signifies a new low. Either purging has gotten easy enough that I figure, "I might as well" or my brain is freaking out more than ever before and eliminating previously safe foods.
It's probably actually a combination of those 2 things.
There are no words to describe the calmness and stillness that follows a purge. My mind is able to rest. It's like a blanket of sedation is wrapped around my brain immediately post purge. Finally I can sleep.
Don't feel bad, I've been there too. I remember getting that feeling after eating an apple once -- and, of course, I knew that the apple was healthy. I guess, that just shows you all the more that the purging isn't even about the food half of the time.
ReplyDeleteEvery day is a new day though, so don't let it get you down too much!!
((hugs))
Yes yes yes...I know EXACTLY what you're talking about because I have been there for so long. I'm still there. I can't tolerate the feeling of fullness, even if it's just salad that I've eaten, because it immediately makes me feel worthless and guilty.
ReplyDeleteI'm gradually getting better at waiting out the fullness until it goes away. It helps me to watch TV. I don't like feeling like I'm watching TV all the time, but I guess it's better than purging. It also helps me to remind myself that the feeling is normal, and it just feels horrible because I'm not used to it.
You are so not alone in that feeling!! I understand completely, and it's a horrible feeling. Keep fighting. It'll be worth it.
-Emily H.
I'm starting to wonder if you even read the comments you receive?
ReplyDeleteBababas - why r u being so bitchy. Sometimes I write to vent and it can be hard for me to reread what I wrote. Nothing personal to the commentors. If u have such an issue with me, then don't comment! I appreciate the comments a lot and they make me think and encourage me. Even if I don't write back
ReplyDeleteThanks for finally answering. I've just noticed that people ask you questions in the comments that you never ever address. I mean, if you're going to blog, and you have followers and they comment, you should at least read the comments (I think). If you didn't want people commenting, there's no point to having a public blog (again, I think). Since I'm being "bitchy" I want to be clear that I'm only speaking for myself.
ReplyDeleteWhy do I get bitchy? Because other people don't get bitchy enough! I don't know. I don't know how to be supportive of someone so into their behaviors and I'm often shocked how much people coddle you. Now if you were finally saying you were going to treatment or something, I could be like, "right on! go go go! yay!" but weight gain means pretty much nothing as far as recovery goes when that's all you've done. Sorry to tell you that, but it's true. Your behaviors scare a lot of people... and I'm just speaking as this "bitchy" girl you don't even know. I can't even imagine how scared your friends are. :( It's just sad. Really, really sad. Seriously, if someone that doesn't even talk to you is this concerned, then I hope that makes you think.
Maybe it's time for me to stop following your blog. I've tried to be supportive and ask questions and shit, but clearly it's not appreciated at all. Even if I come across as bitchy, I still took the time out to read and comment... that's more than a lot of people do. In essence I've cared about you even though I don't even know you.
I'll delete my bookmark though. Good luck.
I have felt the same way with restricting. But I know it is not healthy, and I try to fight it each day. Please get help so you can enjoy the good things in your life - your son, your job, and your boyfriend. You *can* recover!
ReplyDeleteBtw, I was wondering why you still have your profile picture as one with you connected to a feeding tube. You are so much prettier than that picture. Is it a connection to your ED and fear of losing it? I understand that, as I struggle with the fear of losing my eating disorder identity at times too. But in order to heal you have to let go of the eating disorder identity, and I think letting go of that picture would be one step.
I hope you take my comments in the spirit intended - that you deserve better and you can recover, but you need to have help to do that.
Feeding tube picture = attention. ED "bragging." It's sad and very, very sick.
ReplyDelete