Went on a b/p spree today.
It was like I was on auto-pilot.
'They' tell me that everything I do is a choice, but it sure as hell didn't feel like it.
It was like watching myself from above. Like watching someone else. I wish it were not me. Crash and burn.
If everything was a choice, plain and simple, none of us would have an ED to begin with... at least not most of us I suppose. You do have choices, but sometimes multiple small choices lead up to the bigger ones. If you keep making good choices here and there it will start to add up to something bigger. This doesn't have to hurt the choices you make tomorrow or the next day. Even so, I know it must really suck, for lack of better words. You are strong though, and it sounds like you've really been fighting. Just keep trying to have some good days here and there until a time comes when there are more good days than bad. sending ((hugs)) your way!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteIn my coaching course, we discussed the notion of "secondary gain:" that every "bad" habit has an underlying good intention, which is what causes you to keep on doing it. On the surface, a habit - be it anything from nail-biting to drug addiction - may be detrimental, but it serves to protect a deeper, more important part of you.
ReplyDeleteOf course, it's not an easy thing to face the part of you that you're avoiding with those habits. But the first step is to accept that part, and actually LOVE it, like you would a child, rather than hate it and try to push it away. The harder you push, the more it will rear its ugly head.
Strength doesn't always mean fighting - it can also mean letting go.