Cut cut cut.
My brain is screaming at me. I cannot give in. I cannot afford any more scars on my body. Especially not with summer coming up. I hate fighting myself.
I got the keys to my condo today. It should be a day of celebration, joy, excitement. But I feel empty and hollow.
Why am I always chasing something and when I get it, I'm not happy. I have reached my ultimate goal of my house hunting journey and I expected to feel differently.
Logically everything should be happy for me. New guy, new house, not in the hospital... but I feel blank.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think those of us with EDs are hardwired to think that if we do _____, then we will be happy. Sometimes we think this is being skinny, binging and purging, or it can be other things like having a new place. Then when we get them, we realize it doesn't solve our problems. I relate with the cutting. You should be proud of being able to maintain things like a new place and relationship. That in itself is an accomplishment!
ReplyDeleteDon't do it!
ReplyDeleteFocus on the great things you have going - there are a lot -and go with those things. Are you still doing counselling?
oh Tia, I read your hole blog a couple of times now, and couldnt wait for you to post again. I dont know if u even read what people are writing- in case U do; I just wanne say how you keep amazing me with your insight.
ReplyDeletePlease stay strong- in a healthy way.
Lots of thoughts from Maya
I always feel this exact same way when I build something up in mind ahead of time... then whatever it is comes and goes and I feel awful because it didn't live up to the way I imagined it in my mind -- or it did, but just ended too quickly. The nice thing with having your own condo is that you will be able to enjoy it day after day after day. So even if getting the keys wasn't as exciting as you thought it would be, you'll have all sorts of surprises -- maybe it will be more exciting to wake up to sunlight streaming in through the windows at your own place, you never know. For me, I usually enjoy moving somewhere new the most once I'm done unpacking and get the moving boxes out of the way :) I hope that you were able to resist the urges and that you'll really enjoy having your own place. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteRemember you deserve a happy and healthy life! Don't allow these self-destructive thoughts to make you act upon them. You can - and - will - get better each day. I am praying for you!!!
ReplyDelete{{{Hugs}}}
Angela